Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

LW1 - it's not clear why you want Richard to call you every night. It doesn't sound like you want to talk to him as much as you want to check up on him to make sure he made it home safely. I can imagine someone feeling a bit micro managed and untrusted by that. Maybe you can compromise on his texting you a good night wish or even responding to your good night text? You're still checking up on him, but it's less overhead than a phone call when you're both tired & don't seem to have anything new to say. However, you need to find some mutually acceptable way to communicate with each other when you're apart. If a nightly phone call isn't it, maybe it's email or texting or talking every few days instead of every night.
LW2 - agree with Annie on this. Your s-i-l and her kids have suffered an incredible loss. Losing your husband & your dad is not the same loss as losing a brother. If you want your sil and your brother's kids in your life, EVER, now is not the time to complain to her that she isn't looking out for your needs enough. Go see her. Let the kids know that they haven't lost their extended family along with their dad. Offer to help. You don' t have to give more money to help. A kind heart and someone to listen to her & the kids could be a lot of help. Don't add to her problems by complaining that she doesn't write thank you notes fast enough to suit you. Maybe she doesn't take your calls because she's in so much pain that talking to another person who wants something from her is more than she can deal with.

LW1 - it's not clear why you want Richard to call you every night. It doesn't sound like you want to talk to him as much as you want to check up on him to make sure he made it home safely. I can imagine someone feeling a bit micro managed and untrusted by that. Maybe you can compromise on his texting you a good night wish or even responding to your good night text? You're still checking up on him, but it's less overhead than a phone call when you're both tired & don't seem to have anything new to say. However, you need to find some mutually acceptable way to communicate with each other when you're apart. If a nightly phone call isn't it, maybe it's email or texting or talking every few days instead of every night.
LW2 - agree with Annie on this. Your s-i-l and her kids have suffered an incredible loss. Losing your husband & your dad is not the same loss as losing a brother. If you want your sil and your brother's kids in your life, EVER, now is not the time to complain to her that she isn't looking out for your needs enough. Go see her. Let the kids know that they haven't lost their extended family along with their dad. Offer to help. You don' t have to give more money to help. A kind heart and someone to listen to her & the kids could be a lot of help. Don't add to her problems by complaining that she doesn't write thank you notes fast enough to suit you. Maybe she doesn't take your calls because she's in so much pain that talking to another person who wants something from her is more than she can deal with.

LW1 - Your husband is either having an affair, or is avoiding calling you because he simply does not want to. Demanding a call every day seems like a lot to me. I travel out of province regularly and do not necessarily call my husband every single day. Sometimes I work until 11 and I truly have no energy to get on the phone - plus my hubby is a chatter, so if I call I'm signing on for at least 10 minutes. Is this the case with you? Do you have any other indications that he is having an affair? As kai archie said, it just isn't clear. You and your husband will have to sort this out together through open conversation.

LW2 - Wow, you perception is way off...
- How "recently" did your brother pass away? Your SIL may not have had the opportunity, desire or energy to write thank-you notes yet. Her husband, and the father of her children, just died. Her life is upside down. Have some compassion.
- It was generous of you to do so but you are holding what you paid over his family's head. Are you accusing your SIL of defrauding you? It sounds like she is in turmoil and is probably not tracking everything. Since you are willing to do pay it, do so, and do it with a kind spirit.
- Are you really begrudging her children new toys and clothes?
- Are you really begrudging a widow getting a car that you admit she needs?
- I'd avoid your calls, too. But it may simply be that that is easier for her - to communicate by text, instead of by phone. She is communicating with you, at any rate; don't fuss about the method.
- No. Your SIL and her children were your brother's family. She is under no obligation to include you in the card reading. Have you tried asking her? If you did so nicely, she may be quite willing to share them with you.
- Yeah, well, you know whose feelings hurt worse than auntie who didn't receive a thank-you note? Your SIL. Who just lost her husband and the father of her kids. Cut her some slack.

She and your brother were together for at least a few years before he passed away. Have you always disliked this woman, or is your grief getting the better of you? I like the Annies' suggestion that you should offer to help her and support her, instead of complaining that her kids got new toys and that she's texting you instead of calling you.

LW3 - Lady, you stayed with the guy for 22 years. Should have left him ages ago and went out to find your own slob.

From the letter itself...................

"The miles between us take away any control I have to check the possibilities."

Control ? Lady, cheating or not, you got issues, deep insecure issues. Justified or not, the key word here is "control", do you want your husband to call you to make sure he is okay or just to keep tabs on him, if he isn't cheating (and if he was, it would be no problem for him to still call you which leads me to the main point), he just doesn't want to deal with you. I'm noticing some buzzwords, you point out he is "good looking" (lets assume its true, but by pointing it out, what are you getting at ?), you say "roller coaster" and use words like "demand" and "control".

Lady, he wants to avoid you, he doesn't want to deal with your insecurities, after a long day, if he was cheating, he could still make time to call you and deal with you and move on, but he is choosing not to talk to you, maybe some reflection or therapy (how the hell didn't the Annies say this ? They recommend this for everything) might help.

I commented earlier, but it doesn't seem to have appeared...
My husband and I had to live apart for two full years (2000-2001 and 2003-2004) while I had fellowships out of state. We talked on the phone EVERY night. If one of us was exhausted we chatted for only 5 minutes or so, but often we talked for half an hour or more. Why? Because we love each other, missed each other, wanted to catch up, enjoyed nourishing our marriage.
We've been together 42 years now. Perhaps our attitude toward staying in contact when physically apart has contributed to this. My heart goes out to "Hands Tied." Her need for contact is normal and good.

2 things seemed to be forgotten with the responses to LW1:

1 - They are married, not dating. How is the marriage supposed to sustain itself over the distance without daily communication? To go from living together and communicating on a daily basis to seeing each other only on weekends seems like a surefire way to lose intimacy in the marriage.

2 - Most importantly, there is a 10-year-old child in the picture who she is now raising effectively by herself. By refusing to call her, he has abdicated all domestic responsibility to her. Why is he not calling to check on his son every single day? Why is he not calling to *talk* to his son every single day? Why is he not calling to make sure things are running fine around the house? Not only is he now free to spend every evening out drinking with his buddies, he can't even be bothered to check in with the person who his holding his household and family together?

She used an unfortunate choice of words when she said control, and people quickly jumped on it, but I get what she means. She's not trying to control *him*, she just wants to have some semblance of control of her own life, of which her marriage is a part. Any other woman who suspects she is being cheated on can take steps to find out the truth and make decisions about her future. LW1 suspects, but has no way of protecting herself by finding out the truth before she is blindsided by it.

Re: kai archie-re letter writer 2- you make some valid points, but i'm remembering a news feature from when jfk jr.'s plane went down...[who knows why some things get filed in one's memory?] the reporter and a psychologist were discussing the effect this would have on caroline kennedy schlossburg. it was said that the loss of a sibling is the most profound loss one can experience. i remember being surprised by this and wondering why, but do you think i can remember the 'why'?
let's not try to measure whose grief is greater. they have all suffered but they are each handling this differently.

LW1: Fantastic comments on this: I'm tending to agree more with kai on this one than on any affair conspiracy although it's entirely possible. It's just in how the LW sounds, extremely needy.

If the LW is reading BTL, I would be interested in learning what broke up wht relationship with the father of her 10 year old. Is that what is making her so scared now? Also, how long is this situation going to continue> If this is an indefinate assignment taking your husband out of town 5 days a week, wouldn't it make sense for you to move? Even if you have to change jobs, it would be worth it if you save your marriage. 18 months seems a long time for this type of situation to continue without any type of timeline.

We write a lot here about how hard it is to find jobs, but it's even harder to bring a dead marriage back to life. Mookster is right, the real issue is the lack of communication and counseling should have been suggested by the annies.

LW2: For goodness sakes, cut the woman some SLACK! What was your relationship like with her before HER HUSBAND died? Instead of asking if you can help write thank you cards (how lame is that, annies?) why don't you offer to help her out with the kids? take them to a movie or to the park. If they are young enough to need toys, they are probably in shock at losing their dad. Heck, I was in my 40s when I lost my dad and it took me about a year to really feel like myself again. Your sister in law lost her husband, and as other commenters have said, it's very different than losing a brother. Your SIL has lost her partner, best friend, and likely the primary source of income for the family. You need to stop taking this personally and try to help the family through the transition.

LW3: What Zoe said. I know there are some peole who think it is noble to stay in marriages like that, I think it's nuts. Life is too short.

Re: alien07110

I'm not at all surprised that losing a sibling is one of the worst losses.

Wives and children can, and often do, eventually find someone to fill that lost role - a new husband, a step-dad. Not that they no longer love and miss the person who passed away, but they don't carry that empty chair with them forever.

A sibling, however, will never meet someone who becomes their new brother/sister, and that chair will always be empty for them.

SopSop-
I never post here, but I had to this time. Your comment brought tears to my eyes! You're absolutely right. My sister and I live on opposite sides of the world, but we're always there for each other despite the distance and the time zones. The thought of her not being around is too much to contemplate. Men come and go, but sisters are forever.

Re: SopSop

I spent years away from my husband while we were both in the military. I was stationed in Nebraska and he was stationed in Georgia. We did not call every day quite simply because nothing would have changed and it gets repetitive and boring to call and say the same things. So we made a deal to call at leas twice a week. Forced intimacy by making these daily calls is not intimacy at all. I know a lot of military spouses who deal with their service member spending months away from them and often it is days between texts, emails, calls, and facebook posts. But they maintain the intimacy in their relationships. It usually takes maturity, trust, and mutual respect for the partner who is away. It really sounds like the LW has none of those for her husband. I suspect there were bigger issues at play here more related to his long term unemployment? She probably got used to him being at home all day every day to keep "control of". LW1 - sounds like a weak insecure brat, who can't handle that her husband is not calling her and lives outside her control. I hated that word in her letter. If some male letter writer had mentioned maintaining control in relation to a female, the ladies would be up in arms about the potential of an abuser.

Re: SopSop

excellent points. One of the things though that hit me about her letter was that the kid was barely mentioned and even then, the child was lumped with her three dogs. The LW seems really focused on the absentee husband yet seems like she has a lot going on in her own life. As you say, maybe she feels lke her life is out of control and that's why she is so focused on a phone call a day.

And I also agree with Lizzie in a way. My boyfriend and I are apart a great deal of the time: his business takes him all over the world and even his corporate offices are in two different states on two different coasts. We do however, have a ritual when he's on the road (about 2 weeks out the month). Depending on who wakes up first (time zone thing), we email every morning and since we both love to write, it's not just a short "Hey" email. Then he calls me right before he goes to bed and we talk for about 1/2 hour. I can't imagine a marriage where one spouse wouldn't care enough to call if they knew the other needed that communication.

However, again with my boyfriend and our sitation, we both give each other space when needed. My business team meets face to face once a week and usually right when he's going to bed when he's on the east coast. He usually texts me then to say goodnight and to tell me "Go kick butt honey!" And when he's on the west coast, he's often out at dinner with business associates when I'm going to bed, so i'll text him.

The key here is that something is really wrong with the communication in the LW's marriage and that needs to be addressed. The LW's neediness IS likely driving the husband away, but he needs to man up and try to address that issue as well. great posts from the BTL on this.

Re: Paula

Sorry, but when there's a child involved and a household to run, the daily calls are imperative. The husband is leaving all the responsibility on the wife, and that's not fair.

A man who couldn't be bothered to call and tell me "good night, I love you" at night while living apart form me wouldnt be my hubby very long. And I can say this as a wife whose husband was gone 9 of the 12 months last year. I never had to ask him to. he wanted to hear how the kids and I were doing. I can't imagine it being otherwise! LW, you are not being unreasonable.

And obviously there is a difference in people on deployment, and in someone a few hours over who just got back from dinner out.

LW1—“Richard says I'm overreacting and being childish.” Okay, let me see if I get this straight. You're married with children, yet your husband spends his weeks in a house he shares with four other coworkers. He's so “tired” after hanging out and having beers with his friends after work that he can't be bothered to pick up a phone to call or even text you that's he's home and settled in for the night. And he has the gall to call YOU childish? You're married to a teenager, not a man. What you have is a classic passive aggressive relationship. You're sitting at home seething because he doesn't answer the phone and he's out at the bar with his friend's defiant in refusing to call home to check in with you. Here's what you do: stop calling your husband and stop getting pissed off when he fails to call as expected. Let your husband know calmly that when he doesn't have the courtesy to call you to let you know he's home and okay, it makes you worry. I urge the two of you to get into couples counseling to work on your marriage which is currently setup so that neither of you seem married. My guess is it won't be long until you're not married any longer.

LW2—“A lot of hurt feelings are accumulating because of my sister-in-law's behavior.” What you have to understand is that your SIL just lost her husband; your nieces and nephews just lost their father; all of them just lost an extended family (if only in their minds.) It's a bit unfair of you to judge your SIL for spoiling her children with a few new toys or treating herself to a new car (which by your own admission, she actually needed.) Under the circumstances, it's perfectly understandable that your SIL is avoiding the administrative minutia of her late husband's death or his family as they are doubtlessly painful reminders of all she's lost. Your SIL is desperately trying to hold herself together for the sake of her struggling family in the wake of your brother's loss. Please don't hold it against her that she didn't follow Emily Post to the letter in responding to well-wishers or handling the paperwork.

I can see that people are falling on both sides of LW1, and it could be there's enough blame to go around -- but I'm not yet ready to solely blame the husband here. Part of the letter is very telling -- about giving up "control". That seems more important to her than the other things commenters are rightly saying daily communication would provide their marriage, and that's a warning bell to me -- that she's less interested in just talking with him and finding mutual support, she's more interested in monitoring his activities like a warden!

Has he done anything to make her suspicious in the past? Or is she simply a controlling wife who is a bit neurotic? So hard to tell from this letter.

And let's remember different couples handle their relationships in different ways. I think it's wrong to suggest that a married couple *has* to call each other once a day when apart or else something is wrong. That may be true for some couples but not others. The more important thing is that the level and frequency of communication is mutually agreed on and is cooperative, supportive, and honest.

LW1's worry about loss of control doesn't sound cooperative or supportive.

Clearly, she DOES need to have a talk with her husband, but maybe she should be ready to compromise a bit herself, or at least examine why she's really insisting on this frequency of communication.

Furthermore, maybe they need to consider a life change -- should he look for a new job? Should they perhaps look into moving her and the kids closer to the location of the apartment he shares with the 4 guys? They may need to think "outside the box" to change the situation if they can't both be happy with what's going on now.

LW2: She's still grieving her husband, who died "recently" according to you. At 46, taken too soon, and leaving children behind. If she buys them some toys because she feels like they need something to focus on other than losing their father, so be it. To feel like she's misusing the money or should have written thank you notes when HER HUSBAND JUST DIED AT AGE 46 is extraordinarily callous.

But I'll give you a pass, for now, because its quite possible you are also reacting uncharacteristically due to your own grief. Instead of trying to deal with your pain by redirecting it into suspicion and disdain towards your sibling's widow, perhaps you should think about continuing to be supportive to the woman your brother loved and had children with and built a life with.

You want to honor your brother's memory? Help his family out, without judgement.

Well, I was certainly wrong to set off some kind of "whose grief is greater" argument, but I have to say SopSop's comment that people find a new spouse or a step dad to fill that role and get over that empty chair is about the most insensitive thing I've ever read here, and that's saying something. Not everyone moves on like that or is so good at replacing their loved ones. I will never find another person who fills my dad's place in my life, and I know many, many people who would say the same about their fathers. You might just as well tell a parent who lost a child that they can always have another one.

@SopSop
I cannot speak for everyone who has lost a sibling but your words pretty much sum up how I feel.

LW1-
It is natural when two people who love each other are apart to want to connect in the closest way usable. However, people have different rhythms, and it is possible that your husband's span for longing is longer than yours. Also, perhaps he doesn't like talking on the phone, especially when there doesn't seem to be a lot to talk about. A phone conversation interspeded with long silences merely highlights this void without filling the longing.

However, there is the running of a household involved here, as well as a child. Not only conversation subjects should notbe lacking, but doesn't he want to talk to the child if he's so wonderful and caring? If his indifference is because she child is from a previous relationship, then this is a bigger issue than answers fro the Annies or posters BTL can address and family counselling would be in order.

So I understand both sides of the issue here. On the one hand, she's not necessarily clingy for needing daily contact, although I don't like her choice of words about it - this bit about only the distance preventing her from jumping into the car to go check on him... On the other hand, there are ways of going about this daily contact and it may be that he feels smothered, henpecked and like there's a camera-equipped helicopter hovering over his head. Watch it, dear - a man who feels on a leash may want to have an affair just to prove to you he can't be put in a cage. Which would be rather childish, but extremely dertrimental to your marriage. Again, family counselling would help. Funny that the Annies rarely mention it when it's plainly relevant. However, you need to find one that can see you on weekends.

Do you have ANYTHING at all that would suggest he has a woman on the side? Be aware that he could very well be calling you three times a day and be all attention, and still maintain a harem. Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him because you have clear evidence that you shouldn't, then you address that - in person when he comes home. But pushing the wrong way will only get you the opposite result.

P.S.: Is this job or its location something temporary? If it's permanent, perhaps you should consider relocating - after finding a job close to him, of course. If you own your home, then perhaps you can rent it out if you don't wish to sell it. But I wouldn't spring this on his unawares, TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. There seems to be a great lack of TALK in your marriage, on the phone or otherwise.

LW2-
Sigh. Your SIL just lost a 46 year-old husband, which is a very young age to die nowadays. Chances are this was sudden and completely unexpected. The poor woman is grieving, missing her husband acutely, still reeling from the shock and just about caving in under the sudden doubling of her workload, not to mention everything that had to do with the taking care of a funeral. I'll bet there are many days when all she feels like is crawling under a rock somewhere and crying her heart out for hours, but yet has to keep herself vaguely together for the dake of her children. No wonder thank you notes got lost in the shuffle.

Yes, in normal circumstances, you wouldn't be wrong to expect thank you notes, Like for a birthday gift or a baby shower. This is not normal circumstances. Her life is likely completely disorganised, still thrown into chaos by this sudden loss, there will be days when just holding her tears so she can fundtion will be a struggle. She's still trying to adjust. Cut her some slack - don't you wasn't to keep these children in your life? Then try to at least pretend that not everything is about you.

Instead of making petty demands like thank you notes, why don't you text her, asking if there is anything you can do to help? I'll bet there is plenty she could use help with, and I'll bet thank you notes will be pretty down the list of urgent needs.

LW3-
If he was such a rat, why did you stay with him for 22 years?

I don't like this attitude that if a woman's husband is less bad than yours was, then she has nothing to complain about. We're not under the Taliban here, where women are nothing without a husband. Nobody forced you to put up with his yurunda, so you can shelve the martyr number. I don't buy it - I know from having seen it many times that if you stayed that long in that rotten situation, it's because you were getting something out it.

Re: kai archie

But she is not saying that. What she is saying is that, although not everyone can move on after the death of a spouse, the possibility of remarrying does exist. And while a step parent never replaces the lost one (and that is not the purpose), what s/he can do is take over the parenting. A lost sibling is forever an empty chair indeed.

SopSop, thank you, thank you for saying that, you brought a lump to my throat. And I'm talking as someone who lost both a mother and a brother in a fire. I have come to terms with my mother's death, but the brother who remained behind in the burning house is the one I still miss after all these years.

Re: kai archie

I agree with your last post. How can anyone replace anyone?

Losing a parent at any age is traumatic, I can't even think about how hard it has to be on these young children. NOONE will ever take the place of their father. And for most people, losing a spouse is beyond devestating.

That said, if I lost any one of my brothers or sisters, or my close friends, I would hurt deeply too, but in a different say. Each loss is different because each person is different.

Re: kai archie

I agree with your last post. How can anyone replace anyone?

Losing a parent at any age is traumatic, I can't even think about how hard it has to be on these young children. NOONE will ever take the place of their father. And for most people, losing a spouse is beyond devestating.

That said, if I lost any one of my brothers or sisters, or my close friends, I would hurt deeply too, but in a different say. Each loss is different because each person is different.

LW1: Nothing more to say than HE is selfish. He loves his freedom beyond YOUR FAMIY HOME. If the balance weighed in YOUR FAVOR he would not hesitate to call--esp to talk with his child at least once a day.


Even my grandchildren who come on Friday and go home on Monday afternoon (4 day school week) call me every day they are home. And my own kids who do not live with me call or text at least once a day. And my neice is a daily texter. Nothing more sometimes than just HI. I don't do FB but have regular emailers every morning that I open with HI how is your day? And a tidbit info--. And since my husband leaves for work at 5 am till 5 am, he goes to bed very early so I send him an email to open when he gets to his office. And he calls at noon. Maybe at break time. Most often with Whatca doin'?

So any words that he is busy is not valid. It is a past he wants to forget.
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The comments about who you would miss more. My dad died this last spring, my little brother in 2007. Yet, I miss my brother more cause at 83, I grieve but the shedule of time brings our lives to a close in our later years. Not at age 49. And since my special needs brother was a child WE as siblings raised all our lives--everything we did with him was formative of his daily life--even if we did not see him daily. He had his life within his special needs culture, friends, social life, but that was a slide over from ours. A sibling. Secrets. Memories. Fun. Christmas. Birthdays. Teaching him to walk. To throw a ball. To ROLLER SKATE!!
My dad talked in memories of being a kid with his siblings. And they would joke and laugh and giggle about the silliest things. Laughter is contagious--watched a conversation with dad and his sisters--you laughed till you peed your pants.
That is what makes siblings best friends. Memories.
As I write this, the tears are rolling--missing my brother.
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LW3 is comparing apples and oranges. You can take ANY problem and dismiss it as less serious than a cheating alcoholic husband. That doesn't make it logical to do so.

LW2 If you want to see her or hear more from your SIL try offering to make a meal, do laundry or take the kids to give her a break. She probably doesn't have the energy to talk on the phone. My husband died suddenly when I was 45 and the last thing on my mind was thank you notes, although I did get to them eventually. I had my son at home, my foster son at home and my son's girlfriend, who had a terrible home life, at our house for all the waking hours of the day. They looked to me to see how i was going to deal with my husband's death and honestly that's what got me out of bed every morning. I couldn't eat or sleep and since there was very little insurance money I was very worried how I was going to keep the house that was our home ( I ended up losing it). I slept in his jacket for 3 months because it smelled like him. It took the better part of a year to even begin to come to terms with how much my life was changing so please give your SIL a break. I'm sure she's going through some of the same issues.

Re: Kate

AMEN! I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did. But I agree completely with your post.

Re: Kate
My condolences for your loss. As you can read BTL, there ARE some people who understand. You are not alone.

Ummmm.... creators? Why are you being so slow lately?

LW1 - Do what the Annies say but actually I think your marriage is over. You excpect a call every night not because you love him, miss him or want to talk to him but because you want him to check in. This dog has slipped his leash and he likes. Doesn't matter what he's doing or who's he's doing it with. You're uptight, insecure and he's now away from it. Sit down and talk but I bet little will change. I also bet if you asked him for a divorce he wouldn't fight it. By the way, it's been my experience that all good looking men named Richard are gay. Just my experience. That goes for Mike too. Just so ya know.


LW2 - The woman's husband just died for chrissake!! I'd stay away from you too you petty, cold hearted harpy.


LW3 - I'll buy new pots everyday for the guy who wants to cook for me. Hell yeah!

@Rick, aside from being good-looking, you are an incredibly insightful man as well.

LW1, your husband is either cheating, stupid, really tired, or a combination of all three. He agreed to call you every night, and he's not living up to his end of the bargain. Since he has a ten-year-old son, that alone should make him call you (not to mention your child). At the very least he should call in and say, "I've had the day from hell, and I'm going to sleep. Good night." If he has a camera phone, he should show himself alone in his second home's bedroom. This way, you know he's safe and more importantly alone.

TheRichcraft, I doubt that the LW would allow her husband to say, "I've had the day from hell and I'm going to sleep. Good night." My hunch, from the underlying anxiety in her letter and her choice of words, is that she would worry and pester and probe and demand that he talk to her more about his horrible day, then tell him about hers. And stress him out more in the process, and ruin his sleep, and drive a deeper wedge between them. Then panic and go into the routine again when he doesn't call her on time the next night. I may be mistaken, but if this scenario is roughly accurate, I can understand why he would want a few breaks from calling her.

BTW my husband and I went through two years living apart. At first we connected by phone every night. Later it became every week. It worked out fine. I did not suspect him of cheating or expect him to. If a man cheated on me I'd consider myself well rid of him and move on.

And if LW1's husband has to use a camera phone to prove that he's alone, every night, their marriage is in deeper trouble than "Dear Annie" could ever solve. Maybe he should also hire someone to videotape his actions during the day, all day, every day, to totally reassure her.

LW2: The sister is bothered because she sent a check to cover the death notices but later got a bill for them. She doesn's say if the newspaper sent the bill directly to her or the widow forwarded it to her. She was surprised that the widow hadn't paid it from the money she sent, but if it came directly to the sister, the widow didn't see it. So paying it and then sending a copy "for your records" is probably what I would do. If the two women are reasonably decent friends, the sister might offer the widow some help with the paperwork.
I have found that my deceased husband's siblings find it hard to see me because I remind them of their brother. It doesn't help that he was the oldest, so had been around (and a parental figure for most of them) their entire lives, where I ented the family much later, and there are all sorts of implications to that. I find that his nieces and nephews do keep in close touch, I think partly because they've known me all their lives.
I do miss my older brothers but again, am very close to their kids, again because they grew up with me and "adopted" me as a big sister. in fact, one nephew has told people "technically she's muy aunt, but really she's my sister." All of the family and friends have suffered a loss, and the internal dynamics of that vary with families.

LW2: The sister is bothered because she sent a check to cover the death notices but later got a bill for them. She doesn's say if the newspaper sent the bill directly to her or the widow forwarded it to her. She was surprised that the widow hadn't paid it from the money she sent, but if it came directly to the sister, the widow didn't see it. So paying it and then sending a copy "for your records" is probably what I would do. If the two women are reasonably decent friends, the sister might offer the widow some help with the paperwork.
I have found that my deceased husband's siblings find it hard to see me because I remind them of their brother. It doesn't help that he was the oldest, so had been around (and a parental figure for most of them) their entire lives, where I ented the family much later, and there are all sorts of implications to that. I find that his nieces and nephews do keep in close touch, I think partly because they've known me all their lives.
I do miss my older brothers but again, am very close to their kids, again because they grew up with me and "adopted" me as a big sister. in fact, one nephew has told people "technically she's muy aunt, but really she's my sister." All of the family and friends have suffered a loss, and the internal dynamics of that vary with families.

LW2: The sister is bothered because she sent a check to cover the death notices but later got a bill for them. She doesn's say if the newspaper sent the bill directly to her or the widow forwarded it to her. She was surprised that the widow hadn't paid it from the money she sent, but if it came directly to the sister, the widow didn't see it. So paying it and then sending a copy "for your records" is probably what I would do. If the two women are reasonably decent friends, the sister might offer the widow some help with the paperwork.
I have found that my deceased husband's siblings find it hard to see me because I remind them of their brother. It doesn't help that he was the oldest, so had been around (and a parental figure for most of them) their entire lives, where I ented the family much later, and there are all sorts of implications to that. I find that his nieces and nephews do keep in close touch, I think partly because they've known me all their lives.
I do miss my older brothers but again, am very close to their kids, again because they grew up with me and "adopted" me as a big sister. in fact, one nephew has told people "technically she's muy aunt, but really she's my sister." All of the family and friends have suffered a loss, and the internal dynamics of that vary with families.

LW2: The sister is bothered because she sent a check to cover the death notices but later got a bill for them. She doesn's say if the newspaper sent the bill directly to her or the widow forwarded it to her. She was surprised that the widow hadn't paid it from the money she sent, but if it came directly to the sister, the widow didn't see it. So paying it and then sending a copy "for your records" is probably what I would do. If the two women are reasonably decent friends, the sister might offer the widow some help with the paperwork.
I have found that my deceased husband's siblings find it hard to see me because I remind them of their brother. It doesn't help that he was the oldest, so had been around (and a parental figure for most of them) their entire lives, where I ented the family much later, and there are all sorts of implications to that. I find that his nieces and nephews do keep in close touch, I think partly because they've known me all their lives.
I do miss my older brothers but again, am very close to their kids, again because they grew up with me and "adopted" me as a big sister. in fact, one nephew has told people "technically she's muy aunt, but really she's my sister." All of the family and friends have suffered a loss, and the internal dynamics of that vary with families.

I can't believe the people here who think it's appropriate to not speak to a spouse every day. What the hell.

Oh and sarah morrow? " If a man cheated on me I'd consider myself well rid of him and move on."

Very easy to say with the word "if" in there.

I'm just gobsmacked by the astronomical asshole selfishness of LW2 to continue....

By -not making any effort to call shows a lack of concern for his wife. While he spends his liesure time with dinner and drinks (in other words, at liesure) the wife is home alone with her kids. I see no point in them remaining in such a relationship.

What is your reasoning for reading the cards people sent? Do you just want to see how much money your SIL received? Don't forget that she might have just lost 1/2 her income and she is probably worried how she will survive longer than next month let alone next year. I find it hard to believe that you even comment on the purchase of toys and clothes for the kids. You must be a wonderful aunt. I'll bet you never cared for your SLH. As far as texting, it's easier than crying everytime you talk on the phone. I'm sure you remind her of her husband. When is the last time you lived under the same roof as your brother? Sisterly love and spousal love are two different things. Why are you and all the relatives sitting around talking about your SIL? You seem to be overly concerned with money, I'll bet there's another side to this story!
Been in your SIL shoes!