Dear Annie: My parents divorced 18 years ago, and Dad has had numerous partners and wives since. Three months ago, Dad found out he had stage-four colon cancer. Two weeks after his diagnosis, he married "Sue."
Here's the problem: Before he was sick, Dad didn't get along that well with Sue. They argued a lot, and my sisters and I thought he'd eventually break it off. Still, we were all polite to her and invited her to family gatherings. As soon as they married, Sue started pushing us away. Her family members had confrontations with my sisters at the hospital, telling us we were butting in too much.
Dad recently came home. We are determined to do whatever we can to help and be with him until his final day. We used to come over to take out the garbage and mow the lawn, but now Sue has hired people and says we don't need to come by anymore. When we told Dad how upset we were, he said he is too sick to argue with Sue and she can do whatever she wants.
Dad just had a birthday. We gave him a puppy since he told us in the hospital that he wanted one to sit with him through chemo. Sue got rid of it. We think she is emotionally abusive to him. I know he's terribly depressed because he keeps asking for his gun back. We don't want to create problems. We just want to be part of Dad's life before we lose him. Any ideas? — Confused in Michigan
Dear Confused: This type of situation is sad but not uncommon. Sue needs to control everything in your father's environment in order to cement her position as his wife. She fears you may influence him in a way that does not benefit her. If you think she is truly abusive, call the authorities. Otherwise, do your best to give Sue the control and respect she thinks she deserves in order to find a way to see your father and offer him some comfort.
Dear Annie: My 16-year-old sister has aplastic anemia, a rare bone marrow disorder.
She survives off weekly platelet and red blood cell transfusions. She was hoping to get a bone marrow transplant as soon as we could find a match, but none of her potential matches has panned out.
My lovely and amazing sister can only live off these transfusions for another two years, and then that's that. Please let your readers know they could save a life by donating bone marrow. All you have to do is have your mouth swabbed to be put into the system. If more people would do this, maybe we could find someone who is a good match for my sister. I would do anything to save her life, but I need help. — Carrie
Dear Carrie: You are a loving sister, and we hope a match will become available. Those who are willing to participate in this lifesaving procedure can get more information through the National Marrow Donor Program (marrow.org), 3001 Broadway Street N.E., Suite 100, Minneapolis, MN 55413-1753.
Dear Annie: I was angered by your answer to "Confused Mom in Omaha," whose husband told his boss their infant daughter had died so he could collect money. You asked, "In spite of his greed, is Alex otherwise a good father?" Are you kidding?
Yes, a child should have a father involved in her life, but only if he is a good, stable person. This father obviously is not. You should retract your advice, apologize and suggest "Confused" consult an attorney. — Angered in Tallahassee
Dear Angered: We understand, but disagree. Dad did not try to hurt his daughter. He was simply pulling a con job. And while that may not make him a very good person, it doesn't mean he doesn't love his daughter, and we don't believe he should be prevented from having supervised visits. For HER sake, not his.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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9 Comments | Post Comment
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LW3 - The ladies are off their rockers. Definitely. I remember the original letter. THE FATHER TRIED TO USE HIS DAUGHTER TO MAKE MONEY. He made up her DEATH. He is a scum bag; no - SCUM BAG. What is his next scheme going to be should the mother allow visitations? Selling child porn with the little girl as the main character? Poisoning her so that he could sue some company that would purportedly cause the damage? Buy a life insurance policy for her and then let her run into heavy traffic? For the sake of the child's safety, the mother should do her best to keep him away from the girl. The man has already proven that he is not averse to using his infant daughter for monetary gain. He started small, with just claiming she was dead and getting donations for the funeral from his colleagues. He was unrepentant when his con job was discovered. How exactly does it benefit the child to have a father like that in her life?
Comment: #1
Posted by: Ariana
Fri Nov 6, 2009 9:44 PM
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I agree, Ariana -- they are off their rockers.
And while I feel LW1's pain, and understand her impulse to give her dad what he says he wants (my own dad has been living with a similar diagnosis for several months), I also understand where Sue is coming from. However LW1 feels about her, when Sue married someone with this diagnosis, she signed on for what amounts to a full-time job of scheduling, transporting and accompanying him to various lab, doctor/specialist and chemo visits, sifting through mountains of paperwork and dealings on the phone with insurers to straighten out coding errors that deny funding for treatment, overseeing the medication regimen, preparing appetizing, nutritious meals that meet any dietary restrictions, helping him in the bathroom, trying to keep his spirits up, plus all normal household operation and maintenance. It's a huge, huge workload, and throwing a puppy (a living being that needs exercise, training, health care, supervision) into the mix was horrifically disrespectful. If this is how LW1 and sister routinely operate, no wonder Sue is disagreeable.
Give Dad visits from your OWN puppy or dog, or possible one of the visiting therapy dogs that are becoming more common.
Comment: #2
Posted by: hedgehog
Sat Nov 7, 2009 4:41 AM
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Hello, I am appalled that people know so little about man's best (friend?). Anyone with any general knowlege knows that puppies do not "sit" with people having chemo. Puppies romp and play. Old dogs of the right personality can sit with a sick person, and give great comfort and love. These children obviously care mostly about what they want, and Sue does not think they are good for the old man. I wonder about Sue's motives, but I know you catch more flies with honey.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Larry Milton
Sat Nov 7, 2009 6:18 AM
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LW3, I cannot believe these ladies are still claiming that same nonsense. How is having a father that conned people about her DEATH beneficial to a HER having him in her life? At what point does he stop the con and just insure her and do the deed for real? We all hear and read about how parents should never criticize the other parent to their kids. However, parents should not sugar coat the evil actions of the other parent either. And claiming his daughter was dead in exchange for money was and is evil.
LW1 I can understand dad wanting a puppy but amongst Sue's other chores and caregiving, when will she be able to walk the puppy? Plus a well behaved puppy needs lots of training. A puppy is not going to sit quietly through Dad's treatments without hours of training. As for hiring people to do the maintance chores, why not? When family comes over to do the chores does this turn into an all day visit with Dad? I realize they want to spend time with Dad but they need to understand that visits need to be kept short. Does Sue have to wait on them hand and foot while they visit? Do they offer their *helpful advice* while sitting talking with Sue growing more and more exhausted by the visitors? After their visits and most likely A LOT of reminiscing, does this throw Dad into a depressed mood that Sue has to work him out of? Do they help with Dad's care while they are there? The family has no idea what Sue is going through. Do they offer HER suppport? Or just say what she can be doing better?
Comment: #4
Posted by: Cathy
Sat Nov 7, 2009 6:22 AM
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Re: Cathy and everyone else. How right you are about Sue. Now that he is near death, he married her and all his care is now on her shoulders. They got a man that sick a PUPPY? Are they so blind that they didn't understand that the poor man wanted a dog to sit with him and they gave him a puppy who wants to play, needs to be trained, and has to be dealt with when dad gets too tired to want him around. I'll agree with all you that they come in with their "we know better" attitude and disrupt a sick man. He's already told them he's too tired to fight. Yet, they come around, complain, and then listen when he says he wants his gun back. They got a 24/7 caretaker when dad married Sue. What is she getting out of this? A sick husband and a group of in-laws who "never liked her and wanted around until dad dumped her." Dad apparently didn't want to be under their control and wanted Sue to be there for him. Leave them alone!
Comment: #5
Posted by: BB
Sat Nov 7, 2009 10:53 AM
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LW1 You may not like Sue, but are you willing to take on the fulltime care, 24/7, the appointments, etc. that she has taken on. And yes, dealing with either a chronically sick or terminally ill person often takes being a controller, whether you natually are one or not. You have to make them go to treatments when they don't want to, stand up to insurance companies, and sometimes even the doctors and nurses to make sure your loved one is getting the best treatment, not just lost in the system. You have to nag those who never visit to come (and never let the sick person know you had to) and remind those who do not to overtire the patient. As to the dog, arrange visits from a therapy dog, puppies are too much in need of attention and too lively. As to LW2, a dad who is trying to use his child in a scam shuld have supervised visitation only until the child is at least old enough she can tell what goes on with the visits. I've seen other parents use children for various scams, welfare benefits, etc. It is never good emotionally for the child to be with that kind of parent. People who would use a child that way care only for themselves. They may never physically harm the child, but the emotional damage can be devastating.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Elizabeth
Sat Nov 7, 2009 6:29 PM
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Re LW1: I think Sue married the man so she can collect his insurance check when he dies.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Paul
Sat Nov 7, 2009 11:57 PM
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Re: Elizabeth and all others. What you do not understand is when dad became sick until up to his last few weeks his children took time off work to take him to chemo appts. and we were the ones who spent time with him while Sue chose to go to work every day. We did the yard work so her and dad could relax and took the garbage so they did not have to spend extra money . Everything we did was to help both of them out. As far as the puppy maybe it wasn't the best choice at the time but our father wanted one and the one we got was a small very calm puppy. Sue could have helped out with the dog but chose to give it back to spite us. Sue made the comment before we gave it to him that it can stay where it's at. As his children we have made sacrifices to make sure dad was taken care of. I guess if you actually met Sue and spent one day in our shoes you would understand where we are coming from.
Comment: #8
Posted by: charlie
Wed Nov 18, 2009 6:02 PM
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well i can say to alll of you negitive people. my dad did want a puppy and she did not obviously.my sister has the puppy to this day she did take him over there on many occasions to wander and play. that puppy is a lap dog and is a very loving thing it will lay with you till you get up. dad liked it cause it was calm. my sisters took my dad to his chemo appointments not her. and my sisters and myself stayed overnight at my dads to help with his care. we slept at the hospital many times and stayed till he fell asleep so SUE could go home to get rest. we tried on numerious times to do what was best for him and HELPED her alot. she did not take care of my dad as all you claim and think she did. my dad spent most of the last few months in the hospital because he was not getting any better.he did pass away on november 10 . he decided he was ready a week before. so he layed in a morphine coma . and we were there everyday to the end .opinions are opinions . we know what he had to deal with for the last 6 months . we saw a strong man die before are eyes and the hell he was put threw. well it wasnt about her at all and im sorry to say that. i can sum up her in a few words but i wont. we loved are father . we did everything we possibly could for him . we always have. we knew more about colon cancer . the meds he was taken and the dates of appointments and doctors names . we made sure he understood .she didnt understand anything. even the day before his last surgery he was in alot of pain and she yelled at him that he was fakeing it so he didnt have to go home. why would he want to go home ,he knew what was there and what to expect . he knew he wasnt leaving the hospital after his final surgery.he was done fighting and was ready to give up.and we honored that.colon cancer,any cancer as bad as his was it was a loseing fight. he was ready to live in the beginning but after a few days home and 2 weeks in the hospital pattern he knew. we tried with SUE. but if it wasnt about her, she wasnt listening. she refused to here anything that she didnt benefit from. i hope none of you come across a sue in your life time .
Comment: #9
Posted by: strong
Wed Nov 18, 2009 7:08 PM
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