In international news, while the Balkans seem bent on separating into distinct countries, Belgium waffles.

Belgium, you see, is divided between two distinct ethnic groups: the Flemings (pronounced "phlegm-ings") and the Walloons, famous for their network of large shopping centers called "Walloon-marts." Sometimes, these groups think they'd be better off if they broke away from each other, while at other times they think they can make it work after a "time out" during which they may each date other countries.

The Flemings are more economically successful, while unemployment is higher among the Walloons, who are known for their cheerful expression, "When life hands you Flemings, accept Fleming aide."

They are also separated by language: The Flemings speak Dutch, the Walloons speak French, and occasionally an American tourist wanders in and demands everyone learn English.

It therefore appears that Belgium, despite its current state of indecision, may soon elect to become two independent countries. This will accelerate a trend that began with the breakup of the former Soviet Union, which is to enrich mapmakers, who will cheerfully redraw borders and manufacture new globes for those countries that, unlike the United States, teach geography in the classroom.

In the process, the citizens of the new countries can update their ethnic names to make them more meaningful to "Generation X" tourists — becoming, say, the "Go-Bots" and the "Transformers."

At any rate, and at the risk of sounding like a Walloonatic, I hereby declare the newly formed country of Bruceonia, which is a benevolent kingdom occupying a small but beautiful region of my living room. I will serve as interim leader of Bruceonia until such time as Jimmy Carter becomes available to certify the free and open election of king from a slate of candidates (me) by all eligible voters (me).

Bruceonia is a peace-loving country, amenable to free trade and Fleming aide. We have few laws, though the ones we do have are strictly enforced. Children must respect their parents.

Children must remove their stuff from the garage so the king can park his car in there. The palace dog must stop digging holes in the palace yard. The king's eldest child, the princess, must return the royal blender, the royal coffee pot and the royal toaster to their rightful places in the palace kitchen.

The king's throne shall have the seat up as much as the king wants.

The king's diet is strictly between the royal stomach and the royal refrigerator, and is certainly not the business of the royal children, who have lately gotten to be a royal pain in the royal backside. By royal decree, it is not the king who looks like he has gained weight — the fault lies with his pants, which are hereby exiled.

Unlike Belgium, whose separate languages divide the country, Bruceonia is united by language, in that everything uttered by the King should automatically be considered fact. In the event that his children wish to take issue with something, they can always appeal to the Supreme Court of Bruceonia (me), which will fairly consider every issue before rendering an opinion that shall be the final and complete authority on the subject. This is especially true of anything that could be considered criticism of the king, who is so certain in his righteousness that every four years he'll ask his subjects (me) to re-elect him (me) to office.

In international affairs, the country of Bruceonia will eagerly seek alliances with the Gobots, the Transformers and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, facing down the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) with the North American Cartoon Hero Organization (NACHO).

Our official motto: "We are NACHO typical organization."

Or how about: "When the chips are down — NACHO."

The sole military objective of NACHO will be to compel the royal children to quit messing with the king's life and his belongings — the Stop And Leave Stuff Alone initiative — because what is NACHO without SALSA?

That their country is fragmenting might be considered a blemish on the Flemish, but I don't think anyone will care much if the country of Bruceonia declares its independence from the United States.

I mean, you don't think the IRS will mind, do you?

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.

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