W. Bruce Cameron from Creators Syndicate

Dumped By a Driver for 12/29/2007

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 00:00:00 -0800

I was hit by a car!

Now, please don't think that by using an exclamation point I am trying to communicate excitement. If I won the lotto, I would say, "I won the lotto!" but believe me, I would be much more excited to win the lotto than be run over by a Pontiac. What I felt at the time of impact was less like winning the lotto and more like winning knee pain.

The acciden ...

Updated: Sat Dec 29, 2007

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Spam-O-Gram for 01/05/2008

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0800

I am pleased to announce that I have recently received an offer via e-mail to transfer $25,589,000 directly into my bank account — I'm rich!

I have no idea why I, among the millions and millions of e-mail users, was singled out for such lavish treatment, but I assure you, I will not be selfish. Once I have the money, I plan to share it, generously spending it on highly visible luxu ...

Updated: Sat Jan 05, 2008

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Don't Touch That Pill! for 01/12/2008

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0800

I am aware that everywhere I go, people are having whispered conversations about me, saying that I'm paranoid. I've also been told by my doctor that I have hypochondria, which is just one of the many diseases she's treating me for. Between these two afflictions, I barely have time to be lazy, though I always manage to work it in somehow.

Being a practicing paranoid hypochondriac means th ...

Updated: Sat Jan 12, 2008

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Hounded into Office for 01/19/2008

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Now that the 2008 election campaign has officially begun, I'd like to publicly endorse the one candidate I believe has the character to be president: my dog.

My dog has never told a lie. When he gets into the trash can, he meets me at the front door with such a guilty expression I half expect to discover he has eaten the neighbors. He follows me into the kitchen with his head down, blink ...

Updated: Sat Jan 19, 2008

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Geek Orals for 01/26/2008

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0800

There seems to be some controversy amongst my children as to whether I am a geek or a nerd. (My son insists that we consider "dork," as well, but my daughters feel that is too pejorative.)

The argument is confusing to me, because neither of the two descriptions seems very manly. Shouldn't the dispute be whether I am a "he-man" or a "hotty"?

"No,& ...

Updated: Sat Jan 26, 2008

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A Laptop for Nobody for 02/02/2008

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0800

I believe that computers were invented to make our lives easier. My own computer doesn't agree.

We've tried relationship counseling through hours and hours of technical support. In the end, though, my computer just doesn't like me.

In shopping for a new PC, a video ad for a very popular laptop caught my eye. People in jumpsuits bounce weightlessly around inside an aircraft cabin, ...

Updated: Sat Feb 02, 2008

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Bath Boy for 02/09/2008

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0800

There comes a time in every teenage boy's life when the best thing he can do for the other members of his family is take a bath. His glands are producing testosterone, which is a hormone that causes deepening voices, body odors and "Jackass" movies.

When boys first start experiencing testosterone, they have no idea how to control the reckless impulses that will seize their brai ...

Updated: Sat Feb 09, 2008

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He Who Prints the Money, Spends the Money for 02/16/2008

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0800

People who accuse the U.S. government of being inefficient have no sense of humor. That's why the government has a Website, www.plainlanguage.gov, dedicated to "improving communication from the federal government to the public," with a whole section dedicated to humor. In the government's words, "Humorous material can help us illustrate some plain-language principles," which ...

Updated: Sat Feb 16, 2008

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Depending on My Dependants for 02/23/2008

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0800

The one thing I can say about my children is that I know if I really, really need them for something, they'll be there for me — unless they're busy.

A few days ago, I needed them, because I came down with the stomach flu and my insides were actively becoming my outsides. As a man, I am capable of suffering any illness in stoic silence as long as I know that other people are aware o ...

Updated: Sat Feb 23, 2008

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Time for Me to Fly for 03/01/2008

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0800

I have been waiting my whole life for the future, but it never seems to get here. I'm especially frustrated over the lack of flying cars, which I feel were virtually promised to us years ago by the science program "The Jetsons." Certainly I was led to believe that by the time the 21st century rolled around, technology would have advanced to the point where we could soar up into the sk ...

Updated: Sat Mar 01, 2008

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Things to Do in Poland When You're Undead for 03/08/2008

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0800

According to zombie legend, "undead" beings are slack, shambling creatures who stumble through life without motivation — sort of like a teenage boy asked to do household chores.

I suppose the term "undead" can also be applied to all sorts of hideous creatures — vampires, Frankensteins, women who have had too many facelifts — but it probably came as a ...

Updated: Sat Mar 08, 2008

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I, the Jury for 03/15/2008

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Once a year, I am proud to do my civic duty and take the time to go down to the courthouse to try to get out of jury service. Last week, I was not successful, however, even though I informed the judge that I couldn't serve because I had very important, highly critical stuff to do that I couldn't precisely identify.

A day of jury service is divided into three parts: waiting for lunch, wai ...

Updated: Sat Mar 15, 2008

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What the Dog Thinks for 03/22/2008

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0700

My dog believes it is starving and that I am the only person who can do anything about it. My vet says my dog needs to go on a diet. My dog thinks I should not listen to the vet, who is the man who "fixed" a certain part of canine anatomy that in my dog's opinion was never broken in the first place.

Instead, I should listen to my pet, who sits and stares at me during meals, qui ...

Updated: Sat Mar 22, 2008

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Romancing Sandy for 03/29/2008

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0700

From time to time, I like to leaf through my high-school yearbook, reflecting on the fact that the hair and clothing styles of the time made us all look like lunatics. In my own photo, my odd jacket and long, featureless haircut make it appear as if I'm hoping my class will elect me Bellhop of the Year.

A friend of mine from high school recently visited, and we opened the yearbook to tak ...

Updated: Sat Mar 29, 2008

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Losing Weight, the Ultimate Battle for 04/05/2008

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

I've always been perplexed by the fact that "diet" as a noun means "everything you eat," whereas "to diet" as a verb means "to not eat everything."

"I'm going on a diet," people will say, "just as soon as I develop some willpower or something equally implausible happens." Yet those same people will cheerfully admit that their &q ...

Updated: Sat Apr 05, 2008

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Old Age Is Inherited -- We Get It From Our Parents for 04/12/2008

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

According to pollsters, I am part of an "aging demographic." But who isn't?

I'm not worried about getting older; I'm worried that as I age, I will become more and more like my parents. I am, after all, the result of a scientific experiment in which their DNA was commingled by a process too hideous for any child to contemplate.

In my youth, I overrode any inherited traits ...

Updated: Sat Apr 12, 2008

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My Neighbor Tom for 04/19/2008

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

I've been good friends with my neighbor Tom ever since he got his new bass boat. He and I have spent many pleasant hours sitting in that boat, sharing memories and speculating on how much fun it will be if we ever get the boat out of his garage.

Tom purchased the boat the way most men make their important decisions: completely on impulse. As he tells it, it wasn't his fault — his s ...

Updated: Sat Apr 19, 2008

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Bruce the Country for 04/26/2008

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

In international news, while the Balkans seem bent on separating into distinct countries, Belgium waffles.

Belgium, you see, is divided between two distinct ethnic groups: the Flemings (pronounced "phlegm-ings") and the Walloons, famous for their network of large shopping centers called "Walloon-marts." Sometimes, these groups think they'd be better off if they broke ...

Updated: Sat Apr 26, 2008

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I Tube, You Tube, We All Tube for YouTube for 05/03/2008

Sat, 03 May 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Every single day, YouTube receives around 65,000 new videos, which is why mine is so unique.

That's right, I'm on YouTube because everybody else is. And yes, Mom, if everyone were jumping off a cliff, I suppose I would, too.

Let me tell you, making a video for YouTube that looks polished and professional is very difficult, which is why I didn't do that. For one thing, a YouTube vi ...

Updated: Sat May 03, 2008

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Spelling Boy for 05/10/2008

Sat, 10 May 2008 00:00:00 -0700

When I was in third grade, I was beaten up on the playground for winning the spelling bee.

Back then, I thought of myself as a pretty tough kid, but I didn't have a chance in this particular fight: I was at least an inch shorter and 10 pounds lighter than she was.

Apparently by besting the odds-on favorite — a girl we called "Linda Blotnick" because that was her na ...

Updated: Sat May 10, 2008

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