Dear Annie: My daughter and her husband present extremely well in public. In fact, they are foster parents to infants. But behind closed doors, things are very ugly.

The foster babies are well cared for and my daughter requires the extra income they bring. However, their own children bear the brunt of their parents' frustrations. My daughter often screams at her kids and uses painful physical force to get their attention. My son-in-law is usually passive, but I have occasionally witnessed him physically lashing out at his children, as well. I try to help my grandchildren by visiting them, but I come home crying and fearing for their emotional wellness. What else can I do? — Worried Grandmother

Dear Grandmother: For the sake of those children, you need to report your daughter to the authorities and let them investigate the abuse. (This can be done anonymously.) Can you babysit the kids in your home on the weekends or after school so Mom and Dad can get a break? Can you afford to hire someone to help them with child care? They sound overwhelmed and stressed, and they are taking it out on the children. Do whatever you can to help them.

Dear Annie: I am seven years into my marriage to "Jim." It was great until his ex-wife moved back to town six months after the wedding, with the express purpose of breaking us up.

Jim visits her home every other weekend to see his grandson and frequently calls her to talk about their three children, even though they all are adults. She does not acknowledge my existence, which makes the relationship between my husband's children and me very difficult.

I don't mind when Jim and his ex discuss the birth of a grandchild or an emergency situation, but why does he have to see her and call her so often at this stage of their lives? I think it only encourages her.

Jim's youngest son lives with us because he quit his job without having another lined up.

He moves in and out of our house as though it has a revolving door. When my daughter moved back home because she was unemployed, Jim threw her out. The only reason his son has his current job is because his father got it for him. He is otherwise totally unmotivated. Jim refuses to give him a deadline to move out.

I can't believe any other woman would put up with this. What should I do? — Odd Woman Out in Pennsylvania

Dear Odd: Jim's ex cannot break up your marriage unless your husband is cooperative. It is OK if he and his ex-wife are on friendly terms — it makes things easier when it comes to children, grandchildren and family events. Visiting every other weekend to see his grandchild is also not excessive. Phone calls, however, should be limited to necessary conversation, especially since this bothers you so much. As for the freeloading son, is he paying rent? He should be. It sounds as if Jim has marginalized you from decisions regarding his ex-wife and children, and this is unfair and potentially destructive to your marriage. Tell him the two of you must work on it together. If he won't cooperate, please talk to a marriage counselor.

Dear Annie: I recently lost a friendship. How? Thanks to my meddling. Please tell your readers to stay out of other people's lives and mind their own business. It's not worth it. — Sadder but Wiser in Florida

Dear Florida: We don't know what kind of "meddling" you did to end a friendship, but you are right that most people don't appreciate it when others stick their noses where they don't belong. Sometimes a sincere apology can help, so please give it a try.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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