Dear Annie: I've been "kid-sitting" my three grandchildren this summer. I work all day, and they go to a day camp, which they love.

The oldest, at 13, is really sweet. However, the 11-year-old boy and 8-year-old girl constantly fight, hit, pinch, yell and call each other names. The boy has been in trouble many times for hitting at home and at school. I do not spank. I use time out, loss of privileges, etc., but it hasn't been working. This fighting drives me crazy, and I'm about ready to hit something myself.

My other concern is that when the kids get really upset, they say things like, "I hate being alive" or "I wish I was dead." This tears me apart. Their parents refuse to see any problem with this behavior and manner of thinking.

What do I do? Can I put them in therapy as long as they're here? I know the parents will not follow through. The youngest has ADD, but her mom gets the meds only when she has time. I am so very disappointed in how the parents have handled everything since the boy tried to stab a kid at school with a pencil when he was 7. Their answer is always, "They'll grow out of it." How can I help right now? — A Hurting Grammy

Dear Grammy: We're surprised the school didn't mandate counseling for the boy after the stabbing incident. A certain amount of sibling fighting is normal, as is the occasional angry, self-loathing comment, but this behavior seems extreme. It's possible they will "grow out of it," but only if they receive proper discipline and excellent parenting, and we're not sure that's the case. Parents often deny the possibility that their children require professional help, but you cannot put the kids into therapy without their parents' permission. We hope the school is keeping an eye on these children and seeing that the parents get them whatever help is required.

Dear Annie: I have been dating my best friend's ex-boyfriend. They have been separated for two years. Before I started seeing "Jason," I asked "Nancy" if it was OK, and she encouraged me, stating she would remain friends with both of us.

I have since lost my relationship with Nancy, yet she remains friends with Jason. They talk every day, and she relies on him when she needs anything. Jason is always there for her, which is fine, but I have trouble dealing with this since it has cost me my friendship with Nancy. Every time I ask Jason about it, we get into an argument. Any advice? — Not So Sure Anymore

Dear Not So Sure: Nancy became interested in Jason again because he was "forbidden fruit." And don't kid yourself — he is still interested in her, too. We suspect you know this relationship is headed for trouble. Our advice is to cut your losses and move on. Real friends, and boyfriends, should be loyal.

Dear Annie: Recently a woman wrote in and said she found out her husband, a trucker, was having an affair.

Why in the heck do you advice columnists always assume everyone under the sun will benefit from counseling? It's not free, it's not cheap, and many people don't even have medical insurance. Counseling is for a privileged few. What else ya got? — Valley, Wash.

Dear Valley: We often see only one side of the story. Counseling can be very effective in working through both, and guess what? It is available to everyone, regardless of income. Those with limited funds can look into their church, United Way, the YMCA, local hospitals, university psychology departments and graduate school counseling departments. Other organizations include the National Alliance on Mental Illness at 1-800-950-NAMI (1-800-950-6264) (nami.org); Recovery Inc. (recovery-inc.org), 802 N. Dearborn, Chicago, IL 60610; the American Association of Pastoral Counselors (aapc.org), 9504A Lee Highway, Fairfax, VA 22031-2303; and Samaritan Counseling Centers (samaritaninstitute.org), 2696 S. Colorado Blvd., Suite 380, Denver, CO 80222.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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