Dear Annie: Recently, my mother told my wife that she and her husband will be unable to attend my 4-year-old daughter's birthday. The reason given is that my wife's mother showered my daughter with so many gifts last year that it made my mother's husband incredibly uncomfortable and they don't feel they have the money to "compete" with the other grandparents. Mom has asked us to make arrangements for them to celebrate our daughter's birthday on a different day, rather than be here at the same time as everyone else.

I feel this is an injustice to my daughter, and that no matter how the adults feel, everyone should be here on her day. I want to tell my mom, "It's not about you, it's about your granddaughter." Please help. — Parent with a Present Problem

Dear Parent: This does not have to be as critical an issue as you are making it. It's too bad your stepfather feels he is competing with your in-laws when, in reality, young children are fairly happy with all kinds of gifts and too much extravagance is overwhelming. It's also a shame your mother can't assuage his sense of inadequacy.

A separate party would be overkill, but there's no reason they cannot celebrate with their granddaughter on another day by taking her for ice cream or a day at the park. You are not shortchanging your daughter by giving her individual birthday time with each set of grandparents, instead of including all of them in a bigger celebration. If you don't turn it into a big deal, neither will she.

Dear Annie: I've had the same cleaning lady for over 20 years, with no problems until the last two. Lately, I have been missing jewelry and blouses. My husband couldn't believe "Corinne" was taking anything until one of his expensive gadgets went missing.

We are both in declining health and must have help in the home, as we cannot do it ourselves. I know Corinne is taking advantage of this. She is an excellent worker, but she always carries a large purse and it's easy to walk out with things.

What should I do? I'm afraid if I confront her about these missing items, she will quit. I've hidden my expensive jewelry, but even so, things continue to disappear. Any suggestions? — No Name, No State

Dear No Name: It's possible you are mistaken about the stealing, so first approach Corinne and say, "I can't seem to locate my pearl earrings. Can you find them for me?" This gives her notice that you are aware things are missing, and it provides an opportunity for her to "discover" them without making accusations. If she doesn't do so and things continue to disappear, it's time to find a new cleaning person or hire a cleaning service. We know you are accustomed to Corinne, but apparently, she costs more than you intended to pay.

Dear Annie: This is in response to "Disappointed in Louisville, Ky.," whose husband didn't want to get a vasectomy. When I found out at age 40 that we were pregnant with an "oops" baby, I had a tubal after he was born. I am now 44 and about to have my fourth child — another "oops."

It upsets me to know this could have been easily prevented if my husband had had a vasectomy. My doctor informed me that the chances of my tubes growing back together were 1 in 1,000. Not good enough odds if you don't want any more children.

I told my husband I will remain celibate until he gets his tubes fixed since it obviously didn't work for me. Hope this helps. — Been There, Done That, Won't Do It Again

Dear Been There: While both tubal ligations and vasectomies tend to be quite reliable, there have been instances where they didn't "take." This is not your husband's fault, but obviously, you've done what you can and it's his turn now.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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