Your Mother-in-Law by Doug Mayberry on Creators.com

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Your Mother-in-Law

Q: I am married to a man whose mother is into everything we do. She invites herself to spend the night, has our house key and interferes in things with our kids. My husband's reaction to my complaints is that he listens to her because she has been through a "tough life." He says he will talk to her about how I feel but never does. I am on the brink of leaving. What should I do? Help!

A: The critical issue is to make it clear to both your husband and his mother that she is not your mother. You and she have a different relationship. What appears to be going on is that your mother-in-law and you are battling for your husband's love, household control and your grandchildren. She may be lonely and unwilling to let her son go! When you marry someone, you get a husband or wife and a second family. It takes time to determine if it is good match.

However, before marriage, many couples do not have a chance to meet their future in-laws Though, each partner has already formed their personality based on his or her background, upbringing, their likes and dislikes, formed religious attitudes, and habits. For example, did you know he started snoring at age 15?

In reality, your mother-in-law will probably not change her ways. How can you solve your disagreements then? Together you and your husband must agree and set new boundaries for his mother. Ask him to call her and explain your situation and that if things do not change you may divorce him. That should be a real wake-up call! Hire a sitter and invite your mother-in-law to dinner to discuss your love, feelings and need for privacy.

Your new boundaries may include changing your locks, no visits unless invited and asking your mother-in-law not to disagree about how you are raising her grandchildren.

Disarm yourself of any guilt, unhappy experiences, prejudices and other concerns that you are now trying to resolve. Let's hope that you and your mother-in-law will compromise and begin a new and positive relationship.

Q: We have two grandsons in our two sons' families: one who is happy and the other unhappy. As a family, our visits are not pleasant. The teenager's fight constantly and are always at odds with each other. We believe that we should all be grateful and enjoy our times together. Is there anything we can do to change the situation?

A: It is challenging to change anyone's attitude. As we mature, one of our greatest gifts is to accept our lives as they are and learn to love each other. That decision comes from within and is a learned experience. Jealousy, competing for attention from their grandparents and other underlying factors are not on the surface and may disappear as they mature. Stay alert and hopeful. Dealing with teenagers requires a trunkful of patience.

Once a negative or positive position becomes a habit, it usually becomes addictive and like medical and other addictions, becomes the reality. At age 13, when I was moaning and groaning about my brother, my mother asked if I planned to continue my lousy attitude forever and live without friends. I got it!

As Leo Tolstoy said: "If you want to be happy, be !"

Doug Mayberry makes the most of life in a Southern California retirement community. Contact him at deardoug@msn.com. To find out more about Doug Mayberry and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.