You Will be Enjoying the Holiday Hop by Dr. Robert Wallace on Creators.com

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You Will be Enjoying the Holiday Hop

DR. WALLACE: The formal Holiday Hop is a huge event at our high school. Almost everyone attends. I'll be one month shy of being 15, and my parents said I can't date until after my 15th birthday. But last week, a boy I like a lot, asked me to attend the Hop with him. He's in the 11th grade, and I'm in the 10th. I told him I'd like to go with him, but first I have to get my parents' permission.

Now comes the difficult part. How do I get my parents to let me attend the Hop? I love them both, but I feel they are overly strict at times. I really want to go to this event. The Hop will be held at school on a Friday night. Please help. Also, my parents are not thrilled about school dances. They think drugs and alcohol are passed around. I know for a fact this does not happen. — Maria, Santa Ana, Calif.

MARIA: Discuss your situation with your school counselor, a teacher or an administrator, and ask this professional to invite your parents to school for a friendly, informative chat. This will give Mom and Dad a chance to ask questions and air their concerns about school functions and the Hop in particular, including the number of chaperones who will be present and how troublemakers are handled. This should go a long way in dispelling their fears and suspicions.

As a former high school administrator, I've attended many school dances and know how much they mean to the students.

I also know that schools take every possible precaution to ensure that students have a great time. I highly recommend high school-sponsored events, especially dances. Once your parents learn the details and feel comfortable about the Holiday Hop, I'm positive that they will allow you to attend.

YOUR BOYFRIEND MIGHT STILL BE WITH YOU

DR. WALLACE: You recently told a girl that one of the fastest ways to ruin a relationship was to engage in sex. Wrong! I'm 17, and last year my boyfriend and I were good friends, but once we started a loving, sexual relationship, it made us as close as two people could ever be. It made us realize that we were in love — mentally, spiritually, as well as physically.

We are not going together right now because he decided to start dating an old girlfriend again. Let's just say we are not "divorced," just "separated." I'm positive he'll come back to me. Still, our present separation doesn't take away the fabulous love we shared. As they say, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." — Nameless, Batavia, Ill.

NAMELESS: Did it ever occur to you that if you had never had a sexual encounter with your ex-boyfriend, he might still be with you?

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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LW2: The fact that LW2 does not regret her first sexual relationship goes in the win column, but she's wrong to hang on to the hope that her former boyfriend will come back. She's still growing up, and there are still many experiences ahead of her. Most people do not pair off permanently at 17.

Comment: #1
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Mon Dec 5, 2011 8:13 AM

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Disagree that anything about LW2 is a "win". She's floundering in that river in Egypt. She does not yet have the maturity and judgment to begin a relationship that she is clearly ill-equipped to handle.

I mean, what guy who has realized that he is "mentally, spiritually, as well as physically" in love feels the need to date someone else? Inside of a year, yet?

She is very fortunate that this great love did not leave her pregnant. She might also want to get checked for STDs.

Comment: #2
Posted by: hedgehog
Mon Dec 5, 2011 8:31 AM

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I really have an issue with Dr. Wallace's "sex breaks up relationships" stance. Sex doesn't, but growing apart may and often does.

LW2 was probably not mature to have a sexual relationship, and yes, she is lucky if she has no STDs and didn't get pregnant, and she is wrong to hold out a hope that her BF will come back, but in all honesty, if she hand't had sex with her BF, he still may be dating someone else now. That's how teen relationships are - they break up after months or even weeks, whether sex is involved or not. They rarely last years. After all, how many people out there marry their high school sweetheart and stay married to that person till the day they die? I bet very few in proportion to the rest of the population above the age of 15.

Hedghog, I normally admire your common sense, but your last sentence can be said of anyone, at any age, in any relationship, including marriages. A 35-year old woman falling in love and waiting a month or two (or six, or until marriage) to become sexually intimate with the man she believes to be the love of her life can still get jilted. She'd still be lucky to be left with no STDs and no unplanned pregnancy. A 35-year old man falling in love and waiting a month or two (or six, or until marriage) to become sexually intimate with the woman he believes to be the love of his life can still get jilted. He'd still be lucky to be left without STDs or unplanned or undesired fatherhood.

This girl does not regret her sexual relationship. I hope she can accept that her BF has moved on, and that it is normal to move on, and no reason for her to regret what happened between them.

I am going to quote Tennyson: 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." (Although some psychologists might disagree).

Comment: #3
Posted by: Ariana
Mon Dec 5, 2011 10:51 AM

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@Ariana-I totally agree.

Dr. Wallace-you are an outdated sexist. Do you really still believe that women have to save sex so that men will love and respect them?! Women aren't deserving of that otherwise?! You're comment is an attempt to shame and emotionally punish her for her sexual activity, which is misogynist and unacceptable! She is clearly comfortable with her choice and had a positive sexual experience. Where exactly do you get off pooping all over that?

Can we also please stop the scare tactics about sex? She has sex with *one* person and all the supposedly intelligent adults on here are pointing fingers and saying she should be thankful she isn't pregnant or diseased? Nice positive message about sex, people.

Also-many adults, men and women, act like jerks to people they've slept with. As well, many adults harbor unrealistic hopes about exes. Her hopes that her ex-boyfriend will come back to her isn't a sign of immaturity it's a natural human reaction. She will get over it in time.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Walkie
Mon Dec 5, 2011 3:09 PM

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I'm going to add my voice to those who are saying that Dr. Wallace is wrong, wrong, wrong in saying that sex breaks up relationships.

The LW and her boyfriends were teenagers, pure and simple. Teenagers don't have a lot of maturity. He is immature in not seeming to know who he wants to be with; she is immature in her idealist view of their 'great love'.

But I don't for a moment believe that it was sex that broke them up. I would be willing to be that he would have broken up with her anyway. And how do we know he wasn't having a sexual relationship with his former girlfriend?

I also think it's kind of mean of Dr. Wallace to make her feel as if it was her fault for sleeping with the guy.

Comment: #5
Posted by: JMG
Tue Dec 6, 2011 3:44 PM

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You Will be Enjoying the Holiday Hop

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