Write -- He'll be Glad to Hear From You by Dr. Robert Wallace on Creators.com

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Write -- He'll be Glad to Hear From You

DR. WALLACE: I'm 19 and a first-year student at the University of Michigan. Two years ago, I dated a guy for about four months. I enjoyed being with him and cared for him very much, but I broke up with him because he was getting too serious. He talked about our getting married and even had names picked out for our "three" children. At the time, both of us were living in Grosse Point, Mich. After the split, I never saw him again. He quit school and joined the Marines.

I think about him from time to time, wondering how he is doing with all the world conflict going on. I'm seeing someone else, so I'm not interested in relighting a romantic flame. I know that his parents are still residing in Grosse Point and I'm thinking about contacting them. What would be the better choice — to call them and ask how their son is doing and where he is stationed and let it go at that, or should I also ask for his address so I could write to him? Remember, I don't want to give him any idea that we have a chance to get back together. I prefer to just be an interested and supportive friend. - Sara, Ann Arbor, Mich.

SARA: Ask for his address and write to him. He will be glad to hear from you. Mail call is an immensely important time for those serving in the military.

HE'S CUTE AND POPULAR, BUT DUMP HIM

DR. WALLACE: The guy I'm dating is cute and popular and a lot of my friends think that I'm fortunate in having such a "cool" boyfriend. The problem is that my moral standards are high and this guy has sex on the brain. Every date winds up in a wrestling match. There is nothing I can say or do to change his behavior. He says he can't help himself because he loves me so much.

I do like this guy a lot, and I pray every night that he will behave himself, but so far, my prayers haven't been answered.

Do you believe that prayers are answered? - Nameless, Orlando, Fla.

NAMELESS: Yes, I believe in the power of prayer, but not all prayers appear to be answered. High moral standards and a case of "sex on the brain" make for a bad mix. When a boy and a girl wrestle, the girl usually comes out the loser. Even though he is cute and popular, dump him.

MY DAD OPENS MY MAIL

DR. WALLACE: The other day my dad found a letter written to me from a friend who lives in Florida. Well, he read the letter and commented that my friend seems a bit wild. His reading the letter upset me, and I told him he had no right to read my mail without my permission.

Dad responded that he can read any mail that comes into the house, no matter who it is addressed to. He also thinks that, since I'm 14, there shouldn't be any mail I receive that I shouldn't want him to read. My question is this: Should my dad have the right to read my mail without my permission? I can't ask my mother, because in our house my dad is king . - Heather, Davenport, Iowa.

HEATHER: All parents have the right, but wise parents ask permission. If the answer is no, but the parent is suspicious of the letter's content, then the parent should exert parental authority and read the letter.

When a parent asks permission to read a teen's personal letter, it makes the teen aware that her privacy is respected even when her negative answer is overruled.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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LW2: So many ways to go with this. Cute and popular guy. So you think that makes you cute and popular too. Only if you 'put out'. Right now you are a challenge.
But that being said---a guy forcing a girl for sex against all she has said and done MEANING NO---is rape. Does HE get it what it will cost him the rest of his life to have a sex offending title next to his POPULAR and CUTE? Ask him.
If it comes to that, i would hope you would press charges. Girls are left as the victim 98% of the time. Yet to charge for the date-rape seldom happens. DUMP HIM. Tell him the reason why. Add the fact that date-rape charges would be followed if HE got his way, so you are saving him time and legal money by telling him to go away. And don't hesitate to make your point known. This is your first step in NOT being a victim.
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LW3: Yep. Parents have that right. To protect you as necessary. And they also have the responsibility to teach you right from wrong, feed, cloth you, provide medical care, make sure you have education.
You are living through the 'wild friend' contact--first form of freedom by a teen. If this friend was someone you did not want your parents to read about, then at your age, it is wise for your parents to be concerned. Impressionable ages never stop, esp when other kids have parents who don't care where they end up in life.
Just compare this life you have to one of no parents caring, possibly living on the street, not having a home, education never to be part of your life, etc. And see where your parents fit in making all these things possible for you. You do not say you have an abusive household. So you live in the normal American family where rebellion comes in all shapes and sizes. As you mature, you will become more wise and able to figure out things where your parents will trust your judgement on alot of things.
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LW1: Go ahead and ask for his address--his parents will appreciate all GOOD letters from home, as the soldier will too.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Mon Jan 9, 2012 7:13 AM

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I'm not sure I agree with the advice to LW1. If it had been a casual relationship and breakup, that would be different. But this guy was extremely serious about the relationship and its end seems to have changed the course of his life (quitting school, joining the military).

I would venture to guess that either he's still struggling to get over her, or he has finally won a hard-fought peace with himself by being able to forget her. Either way, hearing from her-- when she does not want to give a romantic relationship another chance-- could be deeply upsetting to him and could even encourage false hopes. (Even if she says clearly that she is with someone else, love always hopes.)

I had two friends who went through multiple breakups and reconciliations. He was very much in love with her, almost to the point of obsession... she was less into him but tried to maintain a "friendship" and kept getting pulled back in because she WAS attracted to him. It kept them both on a huge emotional roller coaster. In hindsight, it would have been better if she could have just cut off all contact with him consistently and let him move on with his life.

I think the kindest thing might be for LW1 to limit herself to asking his parents how he's doing. They might give her some clue whether it would be "safe" to contact him or not.

Comment: #2
Posted by: Vivian
Mon Jan 9, 2012 3:21 PM

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LW1: Agree, Vivian. While I believe men and women can be interested, supportive friends, platonically, it's very difficult after a relationship ends because one party is too serious. I'm not at all sure that this young man is able to do so yet with LW.

LW2: If every date is ending up in a wrestling match, it indicates he's not taking your words seriously. And, I think, neither are you. Hon, you are playing with fire. At some point, he is going to claim he wasn't able to stop because you were just so darn enticing. That's a likely result of going out with someone who claims to love you, yet will not do you the barest minimal courtesy of actually respecting what you say. It's a recipe for heartbreak. You'll find somebody who DOES respect you -- but not until you break up with this clown,

LW3: Yeah, he's got the right. Like Dr. Wallace, I don't think he's being very smart about pounding his chest and proclaiming what he has the "right" to do. Theoretically, he has the right to empty your savings account and sell any gifts people give you, too.

But... thick-headed as it is, your dad's doing this because he loves you and cares enough to make the effort (believe me, it's a LOT easier to look the other way and hope for the best than it is to supervise a teen). Remember that, and remember, too, that you are living in his house for now. Once you're out and living independently, you'll be able to open all your own mail -- including the bills. :)

Comment: #3
Posted by: hedgehog
Mon Jan 9, 2012 7:11 PM

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Write -- He'll be Glad to Hear From You

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