Q: I'm a stepmother of 15- and 12-year-old boys. This is my first marriage, and I have no children of my own. For the most part, we've connected from day one, especially to my older stepson that lives with us. His younger brother lives 20 minutes away and sleeps over every Saturday.

I love them, but sometimes I feel like they've invaded my privacy. Although I came into this marriage fully understanding the situation, I didn't realize it would cause me to shut down somewhat when the boys are together. I become really moody. I try to put myself in their shoes and think of how I'd feel if someone says they love me but treats me as if I'm only a houseguest. They may feel pretty hurt.

How do I communicate to them in a way in which they understand that I do love them but that I struggle with my new instant family?

A: You may be expecting too much of yourself in your role of stepmother. If you had given birth to children, you would have found there were times when you were moody, resented having them around and wished for quiet and some privacy. Most parents feel stressed at times. New parents learn to take some time alone or with their husband without the children. They have occasional baby sitters or other family members pitch in to give them relief. It's a great change to move from mainly thinking about your own needs to sharing your life with a new adult, as well as two adolescent children.

Adolescence isn't typically the easiest time for raising children. Your stepsons are too old for baby sitters but continue to need plenty of supervision and love. It's your guilt that seems to be causing your problems. No adults want to share their weekends entirely with their teenagers. The boys won't be hurt if you're not with them the entire time they're there, and they may actually love having Dad to themselves for part of the time. Even if they're alone for an evening once in a while, they aren't likely to feel unloved or neglected. It's quite normal at their age for kids to spend an evening without their parents so you and your husband can actually go out from time to time. Your marriage is reasonably new, you're probably anxious to be alone with your husband without children around.

As to family time, it will make it more fun if you, your husband and the boys plan to watch a movie together, work on projects, play some board or card games or attend a sports match or community activity together. Don't accept the entire burden. Instead, encourage your husband and the kids to contribute ideas so they can feel involved in the planning.

There's no reason to communicate to your stepsons about your uncomfortable feelings, although it will help you to talk to your husband about your struggle. It's difficult for adolescents to empathize with your position and explaining it may put more strain on them. They may not even be aware of your discomfort, and it may make them feel too responsible for you. If you balance your time, with some time for fun with the boys and some time alone for you, that would be what normal children would expect from their birth parents. It won't indicate neglect or lack of love, so relax in your new role and enjoy your ready-made family.

Consider discussing your feelings with a therapist to help you adjust without putting strain on your husband or children. Keeping your stress to yourself may be magnifying your anxiety.

For a free newsletter about helping children after divorce or learning through play, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.