Stepmother Looks for Help With Dad Deployed by Dr. Sylvia Rimm on Creators.com

Recently

Medical Resident Has Little Time for Family Q: My husband is a medical resident and works more than 10 hours a day and often on weekends. We have a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old, and I often feel like a single parent. My children (especially the 3-year-old) are old enough to notice. Do you have …Read more. Sister Competition Is Normal Q: I'm trying to take your advice about encouraging my daughters so we can be a "whole, smart family," but it's not working. My 6-year-old daughter's very good at art, for example, and my 5-year-old's fixated on trying to be as good. No …Read more. Teen May Have Poor Social Skills Q: My youngest daughter is 15 years old and in the ninth grade at a challenging academic magnet school. She's doing well enough in school, but I'm concerned about her social skills. To put it bluntly, she can be a bore. She seems happy and has some …Read more. Daughter Fearful When Tested Q: Could you tell me what affects what a child considers to be a bad grade and how she reacts to it? I also wonder why my daughter sometimes says she "blanks" on tests, even if she's studied. Do you think she has test anxiety, and is that …Read more.

Stepmother Looks for Help With Dad Deployed

Q: Do you have any advice for a stepmother dealing with stepchildren while the biological father is on deployment?

A: Stepmothers do carry a special burden in a marriage. The story of Cinderella has unfortunately carried legends of wicked stepmothers directly to the ears of children, and it is a difficult image to erase. Also, some birth mothers are not happy about other women taking on parenting responsibilities and can deliberately, or unconsciously, infer negative characteristics to the stepmother.

Until children have the opportunity to bond with a new mother figure, I usually encourage dads to take responsibility for disciplining the children to avoid making the stepmother into an ogre figure. You haven't shared much about your family and how long you've been with them. This would make an important difference in how easily you and they adjust, but I'll make a few suggestions you can try while your husband is serving our country.

Emails from Dad will surely help communicate with the children and if you can manage to Skype Dad that will keep their relationship visibly close. Dad can remind the children of how important it is to be good and respectful at home with mom. The children, in turn, can feel as if dad is still in their lives as they share school, friendship and home stories.

If you and the children work on sending gifts each week to Dad, that collaborative fun can help the kids feel close to you. Sending crafts or drawings they've made, schoolwork they've accomplished and definitely baking cookies together can provide wonderful bonding experiences for you and the children.

You'll become accustomed to making all the day-to-day decisions for the children.

The difficult part will be when they'd like something different than you would allow and they claim their dad would let them have it. If it's a major gift or activity, your best choice is not to say no too quickly to their requests. Explain that you and Dad will chat about it when he calls or when you write to each other. In that way, you can give either a united yes or no and stick with your response without feeling like the ogre parent.

If you have other family members nearby such as aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents, arrange a little vacation time for yourself by having one or more of the children visit family for a weekend. It can be a great help to both you and the children. Also, teaming up with other families whose dads are away can be helpful for all of you.

Do remind your children frequently of the important contribution you and their dad, as well as they, are making to our country. We appreciate and thank your family for your commitment to protecting our country.

Although you're not actually a single parent, our newsletter about single parenting could have some additional helpful tips for you. For a free newsletter about single parenting, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.