Q: I'm a single parent of a 13-year-old girl who seems to know everything. I know I'm not perfect, and I've made mistakes in her upbringing. Her father left six years ago, and my work hours fluctuate, so our home life isn't as stable as it could be. I wish I could get a different job, but for now, I have to accept what I have.

My daughter doesn't seem to have any respect for me or want to help out around the house. One day after work last week, I came home and her clothes, books and projects were all over the living and dining room tables, floors and couches! I'd had enough and screamed at her to pick up the mess and to put her things in her bedroom. She said she would, but as the evening progressed, she went back to watching TV and didn't pick anything up.

I screamed at her again, "Why can't you do this when I ask?" She told me she was leaving and packed up some things. I told her that I was her mother and she wasn't going anywhere. Little did I know my mother agreed to let my daughter stay with her until my ex could get his place together for her to live with him.

Even though I'm her mother and the only one she's been able to count on for most of her life, my mother and ex are conspiring against me. They enabled her to leave. I wish they would've talked to me about the situation and supported me by saying she couldn't leave and that we had to work on this. I told her that we were going to counseling, to which she responded that she was just going to sit there and not say anything.

Is rebellion and disrespect genetic? Her half-brother's in juvenile detention. I'm so tired of her disrespecting me and most everything else. Please give me some direction. I haven't talked to her since she left for my mother's last week.

A: Your daughter will likely be back! Your mother and your ex won't be delighted with your daughter's irresponsibility, either, once they have to live with it. It's also possible they'll get her into some good habits while she's temporarily boarding. It's important for the adults in your daughter's life to unite in support, but I'm not sure you can manage that without the help of a counselor.

While I don't know the origin of your daughter's problems, she does need you to guide her in some more predictable ways. Sometimes when a mother goes through a divorce, she confides a lot about it to an only child. The child typically enjoys the confidences because they make her feel very grown-up and love gets defined as talking closely to her mother about a "bad" person, her father. She may then become over empowered and the confidences backfire. She assumes she's an equal adult. When the parent then tries to set limits or expectations, the child feels like she isn't being treated equally and resists in rebellion. The daughter, searching for that conspiratorial relationship again, talks to a grandmother or father about her mother's problems. They, too, get sucked into the conspiracy, and since you've lost your temper, they believe your daughter's exaggerated descriptions from her perspective, and so the cycle continues. It's not healthy for anyone, least of all your daughter.

Please go see that counselor. She can give you some helpful parenting guidance and when your daughter returns, as I expect she will, you'll feel more in charge without so much yelling. Even if your daughter says she won't talk to the counselor, eventually she will, which will surely help.

Ask your mother to be supportive because she'll soon tire of having your daughter around. Your home's probably more comfortable than her father's and she'll surely miss her room.

For a free newsletter about helping children after divorce or about a united front, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.