Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I am a faithful reader of your column, and even as a soon-to-be-married woman, I keep reading it because of your views on marriage, as well as singleness. I thoroughly enjoyed your column about how husbands are demeaned in the media; I agree with you wholeheartedly! And I'd like to say a few words on that subject and about how wives also are demeaned in the media. There are two words missing from relationships between the sexes: respect and admiration. I think the sexual revolution turned things around 180 degrees for women, which was more than what was intended. Yes, women should be independent and self-sufficient, in control of their own being, but somewhere along the line, women began seeing men as the lesser of the species. And that is wrong. In a good marriage, a woman can still look up to a man as a caretaker, provider and strong force holding the marriage together. This is fine, but she mustn't lose her sense of self.

On the other hand, I hate it when women are reduced to nagging mommies who ruin the fun. Plenty of TV sitcoms and commercials reinforce this destructive stereotype. A bridal magazine told women to make their marriages work by doing two things: letting him watch sports and letting him spend time with his buddies. Letting him? I never intend to be that kind of wife and never would marry someone who needs permission to enjoy a simple pleasure. As for advice to my fiancé, here are some words suggested by his co-workers: "yes, dear" and "it will all work out." But I do commend the few friends who've given great advice about respecting each other's opinions, having fun and keeping a sense of humor in hard times.

Some thoughts from someone about to enter a new chapter of life: No one wants to marry his/her mother/father. It's OK to admit your mate is stronger in some areas. Admire his/her strong points, and be glad you have a partner who has a sense of self-worth and stands up for himself/herself. If he/she can do that, he/she will stand up for you. It's OK to rely on each other, provided there's balance and no one's sense of self is lost. Finally, look up to your partner. Admire and respect him/her. It doesn't make you less of a man/woman. — Florence F., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR FLORENCE: Sad to say, too many women confuse aggression with assertion and make a game of revenge out of male-female relating. I've watched it play out in the media to a laugh track. One ego gets squashed; the other triumphs. Not exactly a joke, not at all humorous. Of course, in a sitcom, both actors earn hefty paychecks, but I wonder whether they go home thinking about what they've just taught the younger generation, the impressionables who still think "cool" is the ultimate.

DEAR SUSAN: Sorry, but I must take strong exception to your statement that "it's the same silliness" when women reject short men and men reject overweight women. Once maturity is reached, a man's height doesn't change, and in any event, his height is totally unrelated to his character and other qualities. But a woman's weight (with very few exceptions) is, to a large degree, controllable. Of course, life isn't fair, and it's far easier for some to be "slim and trim" than it is for others, but almost no one need be grossly obese — and it's that group of individuals that men reject. Why? Because male "performance" is as much determined by what goes on in the head as it is by anything else, and for the average man, if the woman "turns you off" physically, it's a "no-go" — no matter what sterling qualities she may have. (As an aside, I am 6 feet tall and am in the 55th year of my marriage. Yes, you read that right!) — Monroe H., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR MONROE: ... but the "silliness" I was talking about compared men's height to women's poundage, not tonnage. Agreed, with the exception of a few glandular cases, weight is under the control of the owner of the oral cavity. Food goes in; pounds go on. Any woman who's not aware of that linkage isn't living near civilization. Weight Watchers and others bombard all of us minute by minute with success cases and inducements galore. But this society eats too darn much too darn often, snacking and munching our way to total fatdom. It's a turnoff, and men are not immune. Beer bellies and loose shirts to cover them appear everywhere. Talk about turnoffs! Yes, the same aversion is for the sloppily flabby of both sexes. More than 20 pounds too much implies lack of discipline, bad choice in diet and diminished self-esteem. Yikes. Gross tonnage on men or women is a sorry sight, an offense against romance. Agreed.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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