Too Serious, Too Soon by Susan Deitz on Creators.com

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Too Serious, Too Soon

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 29, and I never have been married. I'm considering using the personal ad column. But I'm afraid that if I say what I really want, which is to make a real connection and get to know what makes someone tick, I won't get any responses. Most divorced women I meet aren't ready for the commitment and sincerity I long for. Plus, it's not easy to find many women my age who haven't already been married or hurt beyond repair. What should I do? — Andy A., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR ANDY: What you should do — must do, really — is toss out the fearful negatives. You're giving up before the first inning! Positive thoughts have a way of making life simpler — and successful. For openers, Andy, you need to tone down the longing in your soul. Not easily done, granted, but you've seen it doesn't get you what you want. How could it? From what I can tell, your neediness gushes out too early, before a woman has had a chance to know you. She's rocked back on her heels by your seriousness, and that's the kiss of death. You see, Andy, being serious right off the bat speaks of neediness, of falling in love with love itself rather than a special woman. It's just not possible to fall in love that fast or to love that many women. The real thing takes time to gel, lots of shared experience, many ups and downs as you become friends.

The need you feel — the loneliness we all can relate to — is best handled in your life outside the relationship. Coming to grips with it takes a bit of doing, but the payoff is so huge it's well worth the effort. Becoming a stand-alone person, what I term "undependent," is the challenge of singleness. It is the best — perhaps the only — way to make sure your feelings for your beloved are love, the real thing, not need in disguise. Pause and think that over before you rush into seriousness with a woman you hardly know. Shift gears from serious to friendly.

DEAR SUSAN: My boyfriend is in the military and will soon be sent to a ship for his last year. We've been dating for two years (since I was 19), and I'm having a very hard time dealing with the fact that I won't see him for so long. I do love him very much and wouldn't dream of dating anyone else, but what can I do to get me through the hard times ahead? — Alyssa A., Rock Hill, Ill.

DEAR ALYSSA: ... And how does your boyfriend feel about spending the next year of his life on a ship in unfamiliar lands?! Probably more bereft than you is my guess.

And that's where your thoughts need to be focused: on his trepidation. At 21, you have the chance to show him a strong woman who will stand by him in the best possible way: using the separation in ways that will reassure him of your loyalty and fidelity, in ways that will make him proud. This a huge chance for you to reach beyond your own loneliness to help him with his. Before he leaves, assure him of your loyalty and fidelity. Discuss your plans to get involved in Navy life by spending time in projects on and off his base to build morale and help hospitalized sailors, to join with other partners of absent sailors, to work together in military projects in your community. Your letters will be filled with all sorts of activities he'll be interested in, positive work that will make time fly and bring a smile to his lips. Hey, girl, this is a chance for you to move beyond your own pain and ease his, to act in a way that tells him he made a good choice of partner. Ask your folks to help plan the coming year of separation, to help turn it into a year of helping and constructive work that will make you and your boyfriend proud of the woman he's with.

DEAR SUSAN: Women complain that guys just want to "jump their bones" (many of us do have one-track minds), but they also gripe if a guy makes no physical moves! We men are damned if we do and damned if we don't. The physical stuff (hugging, etc.) is very special to me, and I just don't dole it out. But that doesn't help my case any. What's a guy to do? — Rusty G., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR RUSTY: (Sigh.) You are so right-on. Men have their own tyrannies, forced to make the first move socially — and sexually. Then, when they do, they risk being rejected or misunderstood. Or they can be seen as uninterested (perhaps the worst of all possible slights) or — worse — as being gay, for playing on the other team. But for most men, harpooned by these preconceptions and misconceptions, it's definitely a puzzlement. The result? The issue meant to bring the sexes closer to each other actually keeps them at arm's length. (Deeper sigh.) "What's a guy to do?" is best answered (at least by yours truly) by BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF (in caps, yet!). Be true to yourself, to your feelings, to your yen for affection. The payoff of being true to No. 1? When the right kind of person comes into your life, the connection between you both will be genuine because it's based on honesty to self. A bond that deep makes for electrifying intimacy. Keep that in mind during those discouraging moments.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.