Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I hate to say it, but I think you're wrong this time. Nice guys really do finish last, and it has nothing to do with being wimpy. It seems women like to choose rats and then try to change them. They don't consider "nice guys" enough of a challenge. However, I won't change my nature just to get a date. — Wes B., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR WES: Pulp fiction comes into its own in Singleworld. Good men walk its streets believing they're not nasty enough to get the kinds of women they fantasize about, while those same women sit home alone, wounded and bandaged from encounters with those rats, wondering where the nice guys are hiding. Admittedly, some women are on crusades to reform the naughty boys drawn to their childlike innocence. (And yes, those lads have strong sex appeal.) But for the most part, those women are younger than 30 and have little life experience. They haven't yet suffered the pain those naughty ones tend to inflict on women who get too close.

Oh, if only my younger sisters would research the lives of Marlon Brando and James Dean, they'd turn away from their quest to change the world's bad boys. These swaggering males appeared to be every woman's erotica, but off-screen their lives were a mess, their relationships with women abominable. Love was never part of their world, on-screen or off-screen. But most women grow to realize that — and develop enough self-esteem (in our 30s or so) to disqualify the rats.

Wes, take my advice and find a community with similar interests and values. Quite naturally and almost effortlessly, you'll gravitate to the kind of woman attracted to the really good guy. Because she believes she deserves him.

DEAR SUSAN: I really want to find a man I'll be able to love for the rest of my life.

The trouble is I'm very critical; I find fault with almost everyone. But when I get involved, after the initial "I've never met anyone this wonderful" phase, I start to dwell on his faults instead of his good points. Right now I think I've met a great guy, but every now and then I start questioning. Help! — Roberta B., Portland, Ore.

DEAR ROBERTA: I know critical very well, being the product of a family short on nurturing. That may also be your story, but your asking advice bodes well for a very happy ending. Freeing yourself from the old ways, probably inherited from your well-meaning parents, can give you the chance to see your prospective love in totality, not through the darkness of total negativity. Not that you won't question and doubt; that can be healthy at the start of a love partnership. But you'll get to know him as he is because you'll know your own needs. Yep. I'm suggesting (strongly) a few meetings with well-recommended therapists to find the one who makes you most comfortable. All this can happen while you're seeing this fine fellow. Give both projects time and understanding, and then watch the negative questions fade. Based on old stuff, they have a short shelf life. Stay in touch, Roberta. You and I have old ties.

"SINGLE FILE" TIP: A must-read for anyone who wants to be savvy about the food industry and its manipulations to keep us stuffed (mixing fat and sugar is the main culprit) until we lose our waistlines and our sense of proportion. Written by the man who has finally achieved his goal of regulating the tobacco industry, it is — to say the least — a veritable fact feast. Dine well. "The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite," by David A. Kessler, M.D.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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