Reciprocity by Susan Deitz on Creators.com

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Reciprocity

DEAR SUSAN: My guy loves me; that I know. But I feel that I'm giving way too much for this to be a fair relationship. Am I wrong in wanting a return from him, and if not, how do I let him know my feelings? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: All's fair in love and war — or so they say. But a seesaw relationship dangerously tilted in the direction of one partner (usually the male) isn't at all fair. Because of that, I am making my pleas to both beloveds (mostly women, I grudgingly admit) to gently — but firmly — announce the need for total reciprocity. It should occur in early days of a promising relationship that could be "the one" — one that is worth your time and effort. The message should be made firmly and clearly, voiced in friendly tones. If reciprocity isn't in the dialogue from the start, the woman stands a good chance of being swamped by his needs. Mark my words: If the woman is fearful of a confrontation, the omission will surely come back to haunt her (aka you). This advice goes to the essence, because it concerns women's need for personhood and the hold it has over us. (You might want to clip this section and read it again when you are weak-kneed with love.) He must try to fill your needs as you do his. Reciprocity (the R-word) is a sign of respect, the other R-word crucial to a relationship. It is the password that opens the door to an intimacy in which two people keep their individuality while being joined emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and — ultimately — physically.

DEAR SUSAN: There's a pub near me, and I'd like your take on meeting men there.

I'm thinking seriously of going in for a drink after work, but I'm not sure I should do it. What do you think? Would the men there hit on me because I'm a woman alone? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Some might think that those days are gone forever and that a lone woman at a bar wouldn't create the stir it used to. And in my world, a woman alone is pretty much left to herself — though she needs to be careful and discerning — not marked with a scarlet letter. But many men still regard a woman as easy prey and "looking for it" when she's on a bar stool late at night. Illogically, the hour of her visit can change men's perception and expectations. My advice? Start getting known at the bar around the corner casually, perhaps visiting it once a week after work for a lite drink and a pleasant chat with the bartender. Be pleasant and friendly — up to a point; don't flirt. Something in your manner will make clear that you're there not on a search mission but to end your workday in a pleasant way. Perhaps chat with a similarly motivated gent. Go there in your work clothes, being seen as a bit shy and reticent, perhaps, but still a nice woman who can make very pleasant conversation without one flirtatious word or gesture. There's a different feel to an encounter near your home. It's more relaxed and real. It seems that mindsets are different when the encounter is at a small local bar.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at sumor123@aol.com.