Is It Me or Them? by Susan Deitz on Creators.com

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Single Land DEAR SUSAN: One of my fellow bloggers still seems a bit upset that he hasn't found a keeper yet. Well, I was in the same position he is. In fact, I have been in "single land" since 2007 and most likely will be for the rest of my time. But …Read more. Digging DEAR SUSAN: My definition of singlehood is not having a significant other. I'm reminded of my own singleness every day when I see couples together — contrasted with the way singles are treated. I personally have no desire to stay unmarried. …Read more. Common Cause DEAR SUSAN: I find that most angry/bitter single people are that way because they are trying to date "up" instead of looking for someone who has more in common with them financially and in terms of appearance and fitness. Think about it! …Read more. Give It a Chance DEAR SUSAN: I am currently going through a divorce and have been amused to see all the resistance to Internet dating. I met the best person on a dating website and couldn't be happier. (I had four dates within a month of signing up; he had three in …Read more.

Is It Me or Them?

DEAR SUSAN: I'm a young guy having a hard time finding a lasting relationship. I meet someone nice, and she's gone in a month. I consider myself a nice guy — but one who doesn't say much. I see myself as a romantic — opening doors, sending flowers and gifts, doing things with passion. I'm sensitive; I cry when in sad movies and when I'm touched by a song. Is it me or them? — Ellis G., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR ELLIS: It's a little bit of both. You probably come across as Too quiet, Too emotional, Too eager to please. And there is no surer way to stop budding feelings before they have a chance to establish roots than over-trying. (It's equally off-putting in the female of the species; take it from one who's been there.) The sad story? The harder one tries to please the smaller the chance of continuing the relationship. Harsh — but true — statement. That's your side of the "blame"; a mismatch explains the rest.

It seems to me you've had your eyes on the wrong kind of women. You need a friend with sensitive viscera. This sort has values closer to yours, understands your tears, is touched by the same music. She won't misread your sensitivity; she's on the same wavelength. And — wonderful news — you won't have to try so hard to make her smile. Because she "gets" you, conversation and touching will be natural parts of togetherness, outgrowths of vibrations between you.

Look for that kind of girl in the places you yourself instinctively gravitate to. All will be well.

DEAR SUSAN: I continue to enjoy the measured advice and the dialogue you provoke with your column. I want to add my responses to your recent exercise. I am 50, female, single and happy. The key to this kind of life is enjoying each and every day with hard work and physical exercise.

—When I tell people I am single, I feel ... proud.

—When I tell people I am single, they must think ... I'm independent.

—I like being single more/less than I did a year ago. ... MORE because I'm more self-confident.

—If I knew I'd be single the rest of my life, I would ... revel in it and take up guitar lessons.

—The most important reason to marry is ... if you can handle it.

—The one thing I've most wanted to do but don't because I'm single is ... buy a house.

—If I could change one aspect of my life, it would be ... my financial situation.

—When I get together with single friends, we talk about ... books, politics and leisure activities.

—If I could describe being single in one word, it would be ... freedom.

I know I am loved by my many friends and my family. I never feel lonely. I love my independence. I still have an active sex life, but that isn't my top priority. Developing my business and friendships, being involved with family and maintaining my health give me great pleasure. — Mandy A., New York City

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.