Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: Thank you so much for your recent sensitive and comprehensive column on intimacy and sex. — Peter J., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR PETER: Certain issues are so misunderstood, so contorted into weird and dangerous distortions that they deserve — no, absolutely demand — repeating again and again, in small and large words, in plain and sophisticated terms. In fact, they shout out mightily for clarification and repetition. Why does that have to be? Because too many of us (yes, I'm in the crowd) hear garbled messages all around us day and night. Sometimes different words, always the same thought. Sex is casual. Flesh is for contact sport. Cleavage is everywhere. And so, Peter, your words of appreciation spark a golden moment of opportunity to set the record straight — the version of straight we can live with. The coming together of bodies has the potential of making people spiritually whole. (Our never-ending hunt for a "soul mate" says we somehow sense this possibility.) But time passes; the ol' bod wearies, and we settle for less. But still, in our daydreams, we cling to the possible dream of one love for all eternity.

Now comes the shocking proof: In my nationally representative survey a while back, a labor of love spanning 38 states and drawing 1,900 responses (from a mailing of 6,000), nearly all respondents still believed in one love for a lifetime. This, despite divorce and death and years of solo living.

Somewhere in their hearts was a white-hot yearning for the impossible dream. For most of us, it's still possible. And that's why you and I — and millions of men and women — aren't beguiled by soulless beddings.

DEAR SUSAN: First of all, thanks for your advice about Parents Without Partners. (I joined and ended up chapter president.) But the reason I'm writing is your question asking women what they want in a man. For what it's worth, my ex-wife latched onto the first guy to come along after we split, even before the divorce was final. She said it was because "he's good with the kids." He is, but I can see how the two of them may have lots of problems down the road. — Craig G., Portland, Ore.

DEAR CRAIG: A road with lots of trouble spots, as I see it. Problems of being Big Daddy to a child who never dared explore a wider world when divorce gave her the opportunity to grow up. Problems of missing true partnership with someone who knew himself before he took the responsibilities of family life. Problems of being trapped in a rather dull marriage in which parenthood was top priority and individual fulfillment was an also-ran. Problems when the children have difficulties with their two father figures. Problems galore, to be juggled and managed on the loose foundation of a relationship entered into too soon and for the wrong reasons. Yes, I also see problems down the road — for your former wife and your hastily chosen replacement. Wouldn't be surprised to see their letter in my reader mail. Someday soon.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS.COM