Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: No disrespect intended, but as a happily married woman, I have a take on fellow blogger J's situation: J, I've seen many of your posts, and in my eyes, you sound entitled and desperate. You constantly make references to "attractive" women, as if there is nothing else to a female. You don't mention sharing interests, stability, a nice and decent partner. Do you judge women by the same standards you want them to judge you? My sense is you don't, but this is for you to evaluate; it's your life. You are so desperate for a relationship that it keeps you from fully evaluating a woman's personal qualities. If you became OK with being single — as I was for quite some time — you'd be able to step back and see people for who they are. Then you'd make better choices and pinpoint women who might share interests with you and thus share an interest in you. You can argue with me about this, but I suggest you give some thought to what I'm saying here, because clearly what you're doing isn't working for you. My feeling is that you're passing over quality women who could be interested in you but that you are too focused on a narrow vision of attractiveness to notice them. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: ...Which deep down may be a will to fail, to remain in the doldrums because it's comfortable and safe. It may be lonely, but it's familiar and — in a perverse way — actually quite cozy, like a well-worn pair of old shoes that you know will fit every time. How lucky for J that you took the time to share your impressions of him and help give him a leg up out of the rut he's in. You allowed us a glimpse of your past preoccupation with singleness and passed along some sound advice that you yourself had taken, evidently quite successfully. J would do well to clip this letter and think about your words in the sanctity of his home, where he can relax and say the words aloud.

So, J, if you would, tell us that you've altered your desperation for a calmer, friendlier tone out in the world. Give it a try; that's all your mentor and I are asking. Make this the year for new attitudes, new standards, new ways of being single. Your new mentor makes sense; the least you could do is to give it a try. It's not easy to change, but this one change could bring you a whole new lease on single life. Out with desperation, in with judging women by their kindness and gentleness, not by the symmetry of their features. Show yourself that you know sensible advice when you hear it and that you're up to making the few changes it takes to make big changes in your life.

DEAR SUSAN: I agree with you that independence is great — after one learns how to make it happen. It took me 40 years to learn it, as I had a mother who could never forgive me for growing up and leaving her. Twenty years later, she's still trying to get me to come home and live with her. She constantly tells me how wrong I do things, that I should do things her way because it's the right way. And she knows how to lay a guilt trip on me when I go my own way. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Tell me about guilt trips! When I was readying to leave home and live with another girl — to be on my own and work to support myself — my mother told me in dire tones that no "nice" boy will ever marry a girl who doesn't live with her mother. She said I'd never get married if I moved out. My therapist disagreed, saying that I'd never marry if I stayed at home with her. Listen to your instinct, and refuse to accept the guilt trip. (She can only lay it on if you accept it.) It's not easily done, I know, but in time you'll see how well your life is moving — and how selfish a parent can be.

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