Fears and Habit by Susan Deitz on Creators.com

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Fears and Habit

DEAR SUSAN: I know a thing or two about dead-end relationships. I dated a woman for 10 years who loved and needed me but wouldn't marry. It got to the point where I finally decided the relationship was holding me back in life, mostly because of my fears. It was comfortable, but I wasn't happy; I didn't realize how unhappy I really was until I got out!

To those people in similar circumstances: Are you really happy? Will you get what you want with this person, or are you staying put because of habit? If you don't like your answers, get on with your life. — Frederic D., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR FREDERIC: More than habit, fear can be the biggest culprit in a scenario like yours. The unknowns in the rest of your life — the negative possibilities — can wreak havoc and persuade the best of us to remain in ho-hum relationships and tolerate status quo. After 10 years, you've summoned the courage to remove the chains of habit and explore the rest of your life on your own. Oddly, the woman who stayed by your side for a decade may also feel released from this nowhere situation and move on in her own life. Outwitting your fear is a huge victory whenever it occurs, and it can unleash a chain reaction in your psyche, sparking changes and new thoughts that have been lying dormant waiting for the floodgates to open. Your act of bravery can bring in its wake many unexpected shifts. And no one can take credit for them but you yourself. Your letter can also bring new beginnings to old endings; it is appreciated. Bravo.

DEAR SUSAN: I've been celibate for more than a year now, not because of the fear of AIDS (although it's always in the back of my mind) but because I've decided that the next close relationship in my life won't be a rush job.

My experience has been that rushing things only ruins chances for getting to know each other. My biggest problem is finding someone who feels the same way.

It takes maturity to understand that abstinence is the only way to be really safe from all the diseases around. But I will wait for the person who agrees. By the way, is it mentally healthy for a sexually active person to choose celibacy? — Jason P., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR JASON: Yes, yes, and by all means, Yes! Your frame of mind is so healthy and so on target for these times that it could (and should) be a gauge to measure mental health. Sexual activity is a natural part of life, but it has a dark side that can cause problems — which is why it's best to think things through, as you are doing. With the many sexually transmitted diseases possible these days, in a world where bacteria, germs and viruses travel between countries in a matter of hours, uncertainty about a potential sex partner isn't an option (an understatement, for sure). We live in an uncertain world, in uncertain times, but one safety zone you can control is your own body. Waiting for a like-minded partner — mature, patient, moderate — makes perfect sense because it can mean survival.

For your copy of the Sexual Bill of Rights, on parchment suitable for framing, send a long, stamped, self-addressed envelope to me in care of this Web site or newspaper. There is no charge.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.