All letters from my readers are important to me, but some are so timeless (and wise) that they beg to be saved in perpetuity. Consider this one from a New Yorker — male by gender, divorced by choice — that was triggered by my nationwide survey on single sexuality and its spinoffs. Along with his questionnaire came this: "I'm recently divorced and happy to be. Now at last I can eat cookies in my bed without being nagged about the crumbs. Yep, I'm glad about that part of my single life. But what makes me sad is that there's no one who cares about the crumbs, no one who does anything when they begin to pile up."

And that, friends, is the dilemma of singleness. We want the independence and freedom of being on our own. We wouldn't surrender that for anything! There's no one breathing down our neck, no one asking why you did — or didn't — do something. What a great feeling of release, especially when emerging from a bad marriage. For a while, it's euphoria. But pretty soon (for most of us), the reality hits that no one's nagging because no one really gives a hoot! No one really cares about you or your choices. In Janis Joplin's words, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."

Freedom by itself, without purpose or community, means nothing. Even I, the great proponent of personal freedom, concede that it's no more than aimless wandering in the desert of despair. Not exactly the life I wish for you. And my plumb line into the unmarried world informs me that the majority of people agree. Most want a partner who will rub their back when the going gets tough. So it's agreed, then, that the good life combines caring and independence.

The good news? It's entirely possible to have that delightful duo in one relationship. But — and you sensed this was coming — it requires effort and will and conscious choices. (Still, I wouldn't pen those words if I didn't believe it possible.) But before it can exist, you must come to terms with the cookies issue, the tug of war between sovereignty and fellowship, between the "I" and the "we." The struggle to find just the right balance for your relationship continues every day. It is the pulse of couplehood — without which a relationship loses vitality, withers and dies.

So, what's to be? Your bed littered with crumbs of your favorite snack — leavings of a lone master of the universe — or your accepting love's dare to cede some sovereignty in the name of loving fellowship? Think about it the next time you munch an Oreo.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected].