Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: My husband of 18 years, "Max," told me that he had a six-month affair with a younger co-worker who is no longer employed at his firm. This was a first for him, and it has devastated our marriage, although we are determined to move ahead together.

We have made great strides in the past three months, and both of us agree that breakdowns in both communication and sex were the root cause of his behavior.

The affair has made me more aware of our need to be physically intimate, but for Max, the affair has virtually extinguished his desire for sex.

He is thoughtful, romantic, loving and caring, but says he doesn't have any real sexual desires. He doesn't think he has lost desire for me specifically, just for sex in general. Max also says that he has tried hard to block that woman and the affair from his mind; but things we have done sexually remind him of her. I don't think this is fair to me. What should we do now? —I Want Her Out of Our Bed, in Victoria, British Columbia.

Dear Want Her Out of Our Bed: While this problem may indeed have to do with his indiscretion, it could also be caused by physical changes your husband is experiencing.

As couples get older and have been married for many years, a role reversal occurs: the Venusian may desire more sex, while the Martian may find his libido slowing down. It generally begins to happen between the ages of 37 and 40 as our physiology changes. Not understanding that their arousal level has changed, many men mistakenly think that they've lost their sexual desire. At these times, it's all too common for a man to try to connect with a younger woman, seeking to find his "younger" self.

Changes such as these might have triggered your husband's affair as he sought a new romantic challenge. As a general rule, I can assure you that you do have the ability to arouse his sexual desires again.

Continue down the healing path that you are currently on, and be sure that you both take time to reset yourselves. Change routines, take hikes together and even consider joining a gym together. New forms of physical stimulation are important now. In time, I think it is likely that you will be back in sync both emotionally and physically.

Dear John: I dated this guy for two months. When he ended the relationship, he didn't tell me himself. Instead, he had someone else tell me. Why did he do that? —Still Upset, in Oak Ridge, Tenn.

Dear Upset: So many men find it difficult to say "good-bye" in their relationships. I've written often about this topic and men shirk their responsibility to do the right thing because they just don't know how to say what's on their minds.

Should he say, for example, "I want to end the relationship," she in turn might ask, "Why don't you want to be with me?" He will then be required to give reasons — none of which may be considered nice. Rather than hurt you directly, your friend chose to have someone else deliver the message.

Was this thoughtless? Of course! But it is a common route that some men take.

Don't allow it to make you bitter. In truth, it was not about you, it was about him. A man with a greater sense of maturity would have the courage to share his true feelings.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Visit his website, http://www.marsvenus.com, for advice on dating, marriage, parenting, romance and workplace issues. Or email him at comments@marsvenus.com. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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