Mars and Venus by John Gray

I have often heard, mainly from several female posters, that John Gray is biased against women and favors the man in his columns. I saw some evidence of that, but wasn't really ready to see it as the total truth.

Well, no longer. I read his response to 'Angry Ex' and am appalled at the ways he casts blame on the abandoned wife. Not a word of blame for the husband, who dumps her after only seven years of marriage, with two children, no less!

How does he blame her? Let me count the ways:

"In some cases, the man feels as if his wife has not grown along with him."

How is she supposed to 'grow with him'? She's too busy working to pay expenses and taking care of their children.

"...after having been supported by her all those years, he is ready to play the supporter — to someone he feels will appreciate it..."

Who says he can't support his WIFE, and what would make Mr. Gray think that she wouldn't appreciate it?

"Your contribution helped to create his success —but his success is still his, alone."

His alone? I think not. He may have gotten the degree, but she made that possible by supporting him and the family. They seem to have had an agreement that after he completed his education she would be able to work on hers. He didn't honor his part of the agreement.

"In other words, he doesn't want to hear, "You owe me." "

He does owe her.

"The reality is, we are not always the same person at 30 that we are at 22."'

Of course. It isn't his fault; they just 'grew apart'. Except that eight years isn't the same as twenty-five or thirty years. And changing as a person is no justification for abandoning one's responsibities.

"In your case, both of you should have striven to meet your personal goals."

What they should have done is postponed marriage until they had both completed their education and found jobs. But some people find it hard to wait that long. For a married couple with children, it just isn't possible for both parties to pursue a full-time education (they might be able to go to school part-time, but it will take a long time to get the degree).

This scenario of a husband trading in his wife like a used car once she's outlived her usefullness doesn't only happen in cases where the wife puts him through school. It can happen in cases where a couple has been married for years and the wife has been a full-time homemaker. It almost always happens in Hollywood, where a man achieves sudden success and then replaces his wife with a younger, sexier one.

The type of man who does this has no concept of what a real marriage is: a pairing of two people who make equal (if not identical) contributions to the marital union. He sees his life as all about him, and his wife is just a part of his life that is useful and gives him pleasure. If she ceases to be those things, he feels he can discard her and replace her with someone else. This type of man won't feel he needs to work on his marriage. He will say that he has no time for counseling, while making all the time in the world to nurture a relationship with another woman. I would bet that Angry Ex's spouse had wanted out of the marriage for a while, but put it off so he could reap the full benefits of her spousal support.

Angry Ex seems to have married one of those types, and she needs a good lawyer. In some divorce courts a degree which one spouse gets with the financial support of the other can be considered community property. At least she's still relatively young, but pursuing her goals with two young children is going to be more difficult than before.

John Gray has answered this woman's letter in typical John Gray fashion: plenty of explanations for her ex-husband's behavior and not a word of blame. No blame for a man who uses his wife to further his career and then dumps her with two children to take care of. Instead, he implies that it's her fault for putting her own goals on hold to support her husband. Good job, Mr. Gray.

LW1: What years did you give up? It seems in those years you had two children you claimed to be thankful for. I don't know the divorce laws in Ohio but I would think he has to pay you alimony and child support which should be enough for you to finish your education and move on with your life. What he did to you was horrible. He betrayed you and his children. You should be grateful that you didn't spend more years with this jerk. Don't let your anger consume. I don't put a lot of stock into the whole forgiveness thing but I am a big supporter of acceptance. So accept this has happened and be grateful you're no longer intimate with this man.

LW2: What's your goal? Is it marriage? Than I think anyone would do. There are plenty of people desperate to reach the marriage goal. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? Look around - I'm sure you can find someone to marry.

JMG, I feel the same way. WTH is John thinking? This "husband" is a louse and since John made excuses for this guy's total lack of intergrity I have lost respect for him.
John, this woman worked her ass off for years to put this guy (notice how I'm not calling him a man) through school and you gave her Zero credit for that accomplishment. That discusts me. You owe her an apology! This woman kept her end of the bargin now the husband needs to keep his. I don't care if he doesn't feel like it. I bet this woman didn't feel like working 2 jobs but she DID. He needs to put her best interests first, now, just as she did for him for so many years.
John, I am no longer a fan.

I imagine John felt as if there was nothing productive to be gained by telling LW1 her husband is a jerk -- she knows that. Still, he'd have gained a few credibility points with his readers had he acknowledged that.

This is an old, old story, and spouses -- mostly women -- fall for it every blessed year. Problem is, law school and med school are expensive, all-consuming ventures. Undoubtedly, it's easier for the student who has someone helping earn the rent and household expenses (not to mention tuition), doing the shopping, doing the meal prep and cleanup. There's stress -- will you pass the exam? Will you be good enough to land a decent job with all the competition? -- and so emotional support is like balm. Regular sex, without having to add the stress and expense of the hunt for it? Sure, marriage is a great deal for the student who can manage to find a wife to take on the burdens of everyday existence (although even I am not so cynical to believe that most of them are doing so with this uppermost in their minds).

And John Gray is right when he says that at the end of it, despite the wife's contribution that made her husband's success possible, the success is credited to him alone, in the form of congratulatory cards, job offers, better pay, signing bonuses, etc. Any benefit to her in the form of higher earning power is paid out only secondarily -- either through HIM agreeing to paying her tuition, for the better house or second car, for household help, if they remain married --- or through higher child support payments if they divorce.

Now, some men DO recognize the wife's sacrifice, and it informs the way they conduct themselves in their marriage. But enough don't that I think there's significant risk in putting your educational plans on hold, even if you "just know that MY boyfriend would NEVER do something so scummy."

Dear John - well, not so dear.

"His success is still his, alone"
Really? In other words, as far as you're concerned, it doesn't matter how much a woman does, it's not enough, it's never enough, NOTHING is ever enough to deserve credit, and if she gets screwed by a user, it's all her fault.

He does owe her, and if he had been in the mood to start supporting someone, he should have started with his own children, and the loving woman who put him where he is now. But no, he'll dump what he feels is the old cow for a trophy wife whose body haasn't been damaged by two pregnancies instead.

And you have no problem with this. You're disgusting. Yrrrch.

I just clicked on "Write the Author" and e-mailed this. Not that I think it will make a difference, these arrogant mysogynists always know better than us bimbos. I was going to buy his book, but not if this is the way he thinks. Re-yrrrch.

Why does this happen? In some cases, the man feels as if his wife has not grown along with him. Or his wife is a reminder of what he used to be, as opposed to who he thinks he is now. Another reason is that after having been supported by her all those years, he is ready to play the supporter — to someone he feels will appreciate it, without pointing out that it is tit-for-tat. In other words, he doesn't want to hear, "You owe me."


or, . . . . . maybe the the man is a unappreciative, egotistical, self-centred prick. Here's hoping the letter writer sues him for spousal and child support and wins big.

Re: JMG
Re: Lisa Brouillette
Check out my letter on the January 5th post. This was the first time I realized how unfair and biased John is, taking broad, liberal assumptions from the letter (I guess it could have been edited) and casting blame on her for simply ATTRACTING the wrong kind of man. If she attracts cheaters, it is her mere PRESENCE that caused it and it is her own fault. This idiot needs to stop giving advice about women if he is so blind to the women's side of the argument.

Re: JMG
Re: Lisa Brouillette
Check out my letter on the January 5th post. This was the first time I realized how unfair and biased John is, taking broad, liberal assumptions from the letter (I guess it could have been edited) and casting blame on her for simply ATTRACTING the wrong kind of man. If she attracts cheaters, it is her mere PRESENCE that caused it and it is her own fault. This idiot needs to stop giving advice about women if he is so blind to the women's side of the argument.

Re: JMG
Re: Lisa Brouillette
Check out my letter on the January 5th post. This was the first time I realized how unfair and biased John is, taking broad, liberal assumptions from the letter (I guess it could have been edited) and casting blame on her for simply ATTRACTING the wrong kind of man. If she attracts cheaters, it is her mere PRESENCE that caused it and it is her own fault. This idiot needs to stop giving advice about women if he is so blind to the women's side of the argument.

Re: JMG
Re: Lisa Brouillette
Check out my letter on the January 5th post. This was the first time I realized how unfair and biased John is, taking broad, liberal assumptions from the letter (I guess it could have been edited) and casting blame on her for simply ATTRACTING the wrong kind of man. If she attracts cheaters, it is her mere PRESENCE that caused it and it is her own fault. This idiot needs to stop giving advice about women if he is so blind to the women's side of the argument.

FYI, I read your comments all the time and try to reply (on Annie's a lot) but I can never get my comments to post.

Re: JMG
Re: Lisa Brouillette
Check out my letter on the January 5th post. This was the first time I realized how unfair and biased John is, taking broad, liberal assumptions from the letter (I guess it could have been edited) and casting blame on her for simply ATTRACTING the wrong kind of man. If she attracts cheaters, it is her mere PRESENCE that caused it and it is her own fault. This idiot needs to stop giving advice about women if he is so blind to the women's side of the argument.

Re: JMG
Re: Lisa Brouillette
Check out my letter on the January 5th post. This was the first time I realized how unfair and biased John is, taking broad, liberal assumptions from the letter (I guess it could have been edited) and casting blame on her for simply ATTRACTING the wrong kind of man. If she attracts cheaters, it is her mere PRESENCE that caused it and it is her own fault. This idiot needs to stop giving advice about women if he is so blind to the women's side of the argument.

Julie, Yep! You nailed that one right on (1/5). I'm beginning to wonder if his wife dumped him and that why he's become such a woman hater.
Lise, his books from many years ago were helpful. But he has changed so much. He's become a misogynist. I won't be wasting any money on anything recently written by him.

oh. my. it's been many years since i have experienced such drivel by someone who should know better. john, i'd call you an @$$-hole but that would imply you had a useful function.

I really feel for LW1, because without the support of the spouse there is no education. As a school attending lady, I was still expected to keep the house, pay the bills, and work extra hours to supplement my school fund. My husband expected me to be at all of his softball events and we bowled a few nights a week with a team. But despite my best efforts, he started seeing another woman.
I feel bad that I could no longer stand by my husband, and I was especially sensitive to the fact that leaving after graduation happens to many couples. Despite doing everything I could to keep the marriage viable, my effort was insufficient while he made no attempt to change things. When I lost my job, I saw how he felt that I was a burden to him.
I looked for work for three months before finding work in another state.
Yep, I divorced after school, but it takes two for a marriage. After the move, I made sure I carried the household expenses for three months, and left him with all the cash in the accounts, while his girlfriend had a baby four months after I left. We the readers never really know what the devil in the detail is. LW1, It's best to put the event behind you, and there is some satisfaction in doing the right thing in a difficult situation. I moved on, and now I am happier than I ever would have imagined.

I really feel for LW1, because without the support of the spouse there is no education. As a school attending lady, I was still expected to keep the house, pay the bills, and work extra hours to supplement my school fund. My husband expected me to be at all of his softball events and we bowled a few nights a week with a team. But despite my best efforts, he started seeing another woman.

I feel bad that I could no longer stand by my husband, and I was especially sensitive to the fact that leaving after graduation happens to many couples. Despite doing everything I could to keep the marriage viable, my effort was insufficient while he made no attempt to change things. When I lost my job, I saw how he felt that I was a burden to him.
I looked for work for three months before finding work in another state.

Yep, I divorced after school, but it takes two for a marriage. After the move, I made sure I carried the household expenses for three months, and left him with all the cash in the accounts, while his girlfriend had a baby four months after I left. We the readers never really know what the devil in the detail is. LW1, It's best to put the event behind you, and there is some satisfaction in doing the right thing in a difficult situation. I moved on, and now I am happier than I ever would have imagined.

"Your contribution helped to create his success —but his success is still his, alone"

Ladies, this isn't a pejorative statement from a misogynist. This is a statement of fact, pure and simple, when you stop to consider that the success IS in the husband's name, alone, even though she helped create it. SHE gets no diploma, no interviews or job offers, no bump up in salary, no new colleagues to meet, none of the excitement that comes with starting a new job. Nada.

This couple put all their eggs in the husband's basket, as so often happens. And when the husband left the marriage, he took the basket with him. She's no closer to achieving her education or career goals -- in fact, she's behind because she has to try to compete in the classroom, while raising kids, while maintaining a household, while holding down a job that pays a living wage, against people 7 years younger than she is, many of whom aren't so encumbered.

LW did NOT ask for sympathy. She said, "It makes me sick that I gave up so many years for this louse. Please warn others not to do the same." -- and John did as she asked. True, his editorializing about what she "should" have done at this late date isn't particularly helpful to her -- she had to learn the lesson the hard way -- and it would have been kind had he said, "I understand why you are angry; you got shorted in this deal." (duh -- Mars much, John?) But perhaps he felt it was more helpful to warn other young women of the potential consequences when deciding, as LW did, for both partners to work first on one's career.

FWIW, I doubt most of his readers are in that young demographic.

LW1: You know who this reminds me of? Betty Broderick, the woman who worked her butt off to put her husband Dan through law school (and also medical school if I remember correctly). What thanks did she get? Dan left her for his secretary, refusing to give Betty the credit she deserved for supporting him while he continued his education and started his lucrative career.

Let's just hope for Mr. Gray's sake that this woman doesn't end up following more in Mrs. Broderick's steps: Betty is now in prison for killing Dan and his secretary.