Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: My wife, "Alice," and I are approaching our 20th anniversary. Unfortunately, we are at a dead end in our relationship.

We are both in our mid-40s with high-pressure professional careers: Alice is a director of human resources, and I am a professor of economics at a local college. We support one another's careers and share in housework and family responsibilities, but lately I've realized that we've been putting up with each other just to keep life moving along.

We don't really share any intimacy or real love for each other. Alice resents the fact that I stand up to her on certain issues regarding our children and our relationship. She feels that I have grown to dislike her. On top of this, we have not had any real sex in the past two years.

I always felt I was a very good lover who put her needs first, but there has always been a distinct difference in our desire levels: I feel the need for sex almost constantly, and she often doesn't appear interested. Is there any possible hope for our marriage? —Uncertain, in Tiburon, Calif.

Dear Uncertain: When a couple is regularly intimate, they generate the connection needed to give meaning to their lives together. There are times when familiarity can put a strain on passion. If we go awhile without a passionate connection, the relationship may start to feel meaningless. This is when the marriage has entered an emotional "winter"— when there is a distancing, both physically and emotionally.

Unfortunately, if the physical frost cannot be broken, no emotional warming will occur. We have to instigate our own emotional "spring." While spontaneity may be easy in the beginning of a relationship, it needs a little help as a marriage matures.

To regain a passionate balance we must reinitiate the romance skills that created love in the first place.

Dear John: I seem to have many sleepless nights that leave me a "zombie" the next day because my husband snores. We're both past 50, and this takes a real toll on me. I am convinced that his snoring is worse when he drinks alcohol. I cannot ask him to stop drinking, as he has already cut back significantly! We have discussed sleeping separately, but I interpret this as if he is choosing alcohol over sleeping with me. He gets offended when I say that and tells me he would never choose alcohol over me, but I'm still sensitive about this. We love each other, and we love to be close, so this is a frustrating problem. I am trying to resolve my sleep problems with my doctor, but nothing seems to work. Can you offer any thoughts? —Sleepless in St. Louis, Mo.

Dear Sleepless: I think you should believe him. If he did not want to sleep with you, he could always find other excuses. The medical industry has made impressive strides in surgery to eliminate snoring. If your husband truly wants to accommodate you, suggest that he get a referral from your doctor to a specialist for this procedure.

Many people find that, as they reach 50 or older, it's nice to sleep alone periodically. By doing so, you may enjoy more the nights you spend together. In your case, it might actually work as a mini-vacation. On the days that you decide to stick it out, you may also consider an old-fashioned remedy: earplugs.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Visit his website, http://www.marsvenus.com, for advice on dating, marriage, parenting, romance and workplace issues. Or email him at comments@marsvenus.com. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2012 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE