JOHN GRAY S MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS by John Gray on Creators.com

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JOHN GRAY S MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS

Dear John: I'm a 36-year-old woman who is currently in a yearlong relationship. Lately, I've noticed that I've been acting like the Martian and do all the pursuing. I'm the flirter and the one who more often compliments. I'm the one who gives and gives and often gets nothing in return, whether it's time or energy or whatever. Of course, "Jim" just sits back and enjoys this.

After reading "Mars and Venus on a Date," I can see how I've contributed to his laziness, but now I want things to change. I want to be respected and loved by him, and I want him to place me at the center of his life. This is not happening! What can I do to salvage my relationship? — Fed Up in Memphis, Tenn.

Dear Fed Up: It is fine for you to have a little pursuing energy. It helps to let him know when it is a good time to pursue you, but when you do it all, you will find that he loses interest and doesn't even know why.

Some men like a woman's assertiveness, particularly at an early stage of the relationship. But if it continues in an easily noticeable fashion, a man's attraction to you will decrease and he will suddenly find other women more attractive. Women generally do not understand that if they pursue a man more than he pursues her, the man will eventually becomes passive.

Still, it's never too late to start doing what works. Without being upset with him, practice holding back from initiating affection and interest in planning dates. Give him the opportunity to begin responding to your needs by asking for what you want. For example, you might say, "We haven't gone out in a while. Would you plan something fun and romantic for Saturday night? Then I'll make a special brunch for us on Sunday." When he asks, "What would you like to do?" Say to him, "Whatever you decide, honey."

Make sure that no matter what he decides, you appreciate his efforts. This will help him feel successful in wooing you. Men always want to do more and give more when they feel they are successful in making a difference in the life of the woman they love.

Dear John: It's tough for me to say, but the truth is, every year we are married my wife and I are having less sex.

I don't even know how to tell her that this bugs me. What can I do? — Turning Blue in Raleigh, N.C.

Dear Turning Blue: Frequent sex is often the first casualty of a busy married life. A woman does not instinctively realize how sensitive a man feels when she isn't in the mood for sex. At the same time, a man does not instinctively realize how much a woman needs romance and good communication to open up and feel in the mood.

For men not to feel rejected, couples need to create free, positive and easy communication about sex, particularly about initiating sex. When your partner seems uncertain about having sex, instead of giving up, try saying, "Is there a part of you that wants to have sex with me?" You may be surprised by how quickly she will respond by saying, "Sure, a part of me always wants to have sex with you." That is essential for you or any man to hear.

She may, however, then proceed to talk about all the reasons she doesn't want to have sex. She might say, "I don't know if we have enough time." Or she might say, "I have so much on my mind right now. I feel as if I should devote time to finishing this project."

As she continues to talk, you should remind yourself that she is not saying no. Your partner just needs to talk, and in so doing, she can find her desire. Many times after sharing several reasons why she is not in the mood, your partner will then turn around and say, "Let's do it."

When a man repeatedly gets this important message — and truly believes that his partner loves sex with him — his sexual desires remain healthy and strong. Communication is the key, so learn to speak the language of love.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.