Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I recently met my fiance Tom's family for the first time. Everything went well — that is, until Tom's brother put the move on me. This shook me up, but I didn't want to make a scene in front of everyone. I waited until I was alone with Tom and then told him what happened.

Tom exploded — at me! At first he insisted that I imagined the incident, then he suggested that I encouraged it! Needless to say, I'm upset and confused. What should I do? — Wrongly Accused in Valdosta, Ga.

Dear Wrongly Accused: All women hope that the one they love will act as a knight in shining armor and come to their defense when threatened. In this instance, your fiance let you down.

Your future brother-in-law's behavior was unconscionable. And, while he did not show it, in reality your fiance was upset at his brother and greatly embarrassed. Unfortunately, he chose to "shoot the messenger."

The first thing you should do is to recognize your fiance's reaction for what it was: misdirected anger. Let this knowledge temper your hurt feelings, and take it as his tacit approval that you are free to stand up for yourself. In other words, the next time his brother steps out of line, treat him as you would any other lascivious man: with firm words that remind him that he is standing on the wrong side of that line.

Dear John: My last husband had been married twice before.

I was lucky number three. Each time, he cheated. What makes a man so unfaithful? We've been divorced for almost three years now, yet he still calls or just shows up.

Why must he continue to torment my heart when he is the one who "wanted someone else"? — Still in Pain in Santa Barbara, Calif.

Dear Wanted: Your ex-husband has not learned to commit himself fully and completely to a monogamous relationship. Both men and women face this issue. It may stem from behavior witnessed during their formative years, or it may be a reaction to repressed feelings they have yet to acknowledge and overcome.

Monogamy does not exist without love, respect, commitment and passion. There are others who are ready, willing and able to provide these elements — don't look to him for them. Instead, if you want him to play a role in your life, see if he is willing to offer you friendship on terms that work for you. If not, move on.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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