Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: Back in October, my fiance, "David," asked me to marry him. I am 22 years old, and David is 35. In the three years that we have been a couple, we have weathered many storms. Originally, we were best friends, and later we began dating. Just two months ago, he met a woman online that he's been talking with ever since. He neglected to tell her that he was engaged. Then last week, David freaked out. He suddenly didn't want to get married. He thinks that I'll find someone closer to my age and leave him.

Never once have I thought about leaving. I don't know if all this has to do with his the woman that he met online, me or his first marriage, which only lasted five years until his wife left him. —What Now? in San Diego, Calif.

Dear What Now: You may have the ring, but not the right man. His resistance to commitment may be triggered by a combination of the things you've mentioned: your age difference, a reaction to his previous marriage or the attention he has received from his Internet e-pal (particularly if she is closer to him in age and their correspondence has struck an emotional cord).

Age does not have to make a difference in a relationship, if the maturity level is the same. It could be that, after the breakup of his first marriage, he was so hurt that he needed someone younger to make him feel confident and capable in his next relationship. As a result of his success with you, he again has the confidence to rise to a different level of maturity. By giving you a ring (which woke him up as to the permanence of this commitment), he may have realized that there are too many differences between the both of you.

As you've presented this situation, there is nothing you can do but hear his genuine and legitimate feelings for ending this relationship.

Dear John: In your books you write that it is common for a man to pull away when intimacy is deepened within a relationship. But what if a man doesn't have the courage to return? Can a woman help him to do that? I understand why the female should not chase him and allow him to have his "cave" time. Still, what about the guy who still can't return to the relationship? Does this go beyond the basic intimacy cycle? —Waiting for Him, in Cambridge, Mass.

Dear Waiting for Him: As much as we'd wish it to be so, lasting love cannot be forced upon us. With greater and greater intimacy, our heart may gradually open to a place where we simply know, "This person isn't really right for me."

To avoid a painful confrontation, men will commonly cut off communication altogether; another might stay in the relationship long after he realizes it is time to go just to avoid feelings of guilt — but of course, when he finally leaves, it makes the parting that much harder.

Neither method is ideal. As always, honest, loving communication is the best way to end a relationship with love. This means acknowledging that both partners did their best to make the relationship work — then move on.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Visit his website, http://www.marsvenus.com, for advice on dating, marriage, parenting, romance and workplace issues. Or e-mail him at comments@marsvenus.com. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2011 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE