Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

LW1: If you're not lying, and all this is true, I don't for a minute believe that you are the only one in the family who knows these secrets. Maybe no one other individual knows *every* secret, but among your various family members, all these "secrets" are known.

People are better at figuring things out than you realize. And many people are bad at keeping secrets, too.

People in your family are likely pretending these secrets don't exist because it helps them live their lives and keep their relationships.

Don't make any grand deathbed gestures -- all it will do is sully your name for all time and after your death people will trash-talk you and spit on your grave. Doesn't sound like a great idea. Instead -- again, assuming ANY of this is true -- why not have quiet, private, individual meetings with these transgressors, tell them you know their secret, and give them support in making things right. Talk to the niece-in-law's husband and encourage him to come out of the closet -- or talk to your nephew-in-law about this. Talk to the prim-and-proper wife about your knowledge of who the father of the younger son is, and give her an opportunity to give her side of the story. Maybe revealing the paternity of the youngest son will do nothing more than hurt lots of people, but maybe the prim-and-proper wife could use a supportive ear and sounding-board.

Your letter -- if true -- drips with vindictiveness against people's mistakes and hypocrisies. I understand, somewhat, especially about hypocrisy. People's hypocrisies drive me crazy sometimes. But human beings make mistakes, and perhaps instead of a vindictive avenger you should see your role, at the end of your life, as a supporter and healer.

Instead of trying to ruin lives, you have one last chance to make them better. Don't squander it.

Mike, what a great post.

Perhaps LW1 is a PI. ;0) Mike H nailed it again. MYOB and go out gracefully.

LW1 seriously sounds fake.

LW1--Even if this particular letter is fake, the question is still a valid one. Is it appropriate or morally justified to take shocking and potentially devastating family secrets to the grave, or, does one have an obligation to pass on the information to those who might be affected the most? Personally, my own father revealed shocking personal information to me just before he died that I have decided to take to my own grave in order to shield other loved ones. On the other hand, my father's mother made the same decision with regards to the identity of my father's father and the rest of my family hated and resented her for it, though she did apparently reveal the information to my father on his deathbed. This is a tough question and I would be interested in other posters' viewpoints.

LW1: Write it out, change the names to protect the innocent, seal it away and tell your lawyer to open it at the reading of your will, but only after he calls TMZ> Seriously, just let this go. If this letter is real, LW, you have an incredible overblown sense of your own importance. Get over yourself and let this go. They'll figure it out eventually.

LW2: I agree with part of what you say. But as I wrote on Abby yesterday, it's important to tell people leaving an abusive relationships NOT to stay with friends or family. the first place an abuser will go is to the family and friends of the abused to try to win them back or threaten them back. In some cases the friends are caught, literally in the crossfire with tragic results.

My advice to you is to stop regretting that you didn't call the cops. When you are in the middle of an abusive relationship, you are not thinking clearly. You got out, that's the important thing. Personally, I don't know why you continue to be involved with his life at all. Knowing about all these other abused women, does it somehow vindicate you? Do you HAVE to know about the drama that continues to follow his path? If you want to help, then call the cops and tell them that he's been abusing his latest girlfriend.

Then get back into counseling and address this issue. The regular posters here know I was in an abusive marriage and I have to say, when i left him, I left his drama too. I don't care what happens to him now at all except to keep the door open for our daughter to see him. In your case, you don't mention children, so please let this go. When people tell you the latest on him, tell them politely that you are not interested and let this go. It is NOT your job to protect these new conquests or to continue to be pulled into his drama. He is not your problem anymore. You need to concentrate on YOU. God bless.

LW1: Write it out, change the names to protect the innocent, seal it away and tell your lawyer to open it at the reading of your will, but only after he calls TMZ> Seriously, just let this go. If this letter is real, LW, you have an incredible overblown sense of your own importance. Get over yourself and let this go. They'll figure it out eventually.

LW2: I agree with part of what you say. But as I wrote on Abby yesterday, it's important to tell people leaving an abusive relationships NOT to stay with friends or family. the first place an abuser will go is to the family and friends of the abused to try to win them back or threaten them back. In some cases the friends are caught, literally in the crossfire with tragic results.

My advice to you is to stop regretting that you didn't call the cops. When you are in the middle of an abusive relationship, you are not thinking clearly. You got out, that's the important thing. Personally, I don't know why you continue to be involved with his life at all. Knowing about all these other abused women, does it somehow vindicate you? Do you HAVE to know about the drama that continues to follow his path? If you want to help, then call the cops and tell them that he's been abusing his latest girlfriend.

Then get back into counseling and address this issue. The regular posters here know I was in an abusive marriage and I have to say, when i left him, I left his drama too. I don't care what happens to him now at all except to keep the door open for our daughter to see him. In your case, you don't mention children, so please let this go. When people tell you the latest on him, tell them politely that you are not interested and let this go. It is NOT your job to protect these new conquests or to continue to be pulled into his drama. He is not your problem anymore. You need to concentrate on YOU. God bless.

Chris, I'm not sure there's a one-size-fits-all answer. For me, much would depend on the nature of the secret, the reasons for telling, and the consequences of knowing for those affected.

The red flags with LW1 for me are the almost gleeful recounting of "what I could tell you about HIM!" anecdotes. If this person does exist, he or she relishes the knowledge and his/her potential power to destroy lives, without thought to the fallout.

And, as Mike H. points out, secrets aren't often as secret as people think. It is ENTIRELY possible that LW's brother and sister-in-law have hashed this out on their own, and maybe even told their son. No matter what you THINK you know, you can never know entirely what happens between two people...especially when one of them isn't you.( And don't get me started on the drug-dealing Eagle Scout!)

Some secrets, I think, are better disclosed, not to shock, but to inform: "Grandma was an alcoholic. There may be other alcoholics in our family tree that I don't know about. Although she wasn't able to be the Grandma you remember from your grade-school days, she loved you very much; the alcoholism robbed her of a lot of joy in life. I tell you this not so you will be ashamed of Grandma, but because you need to know that statistically, there is a greater chance that you could become an alcoholic than someone with no family history, and you'll want to be more careful than you otherwise might be."

LW1-
Taking for granted that this is for real and not some yarn spun by a Yale Prankster... I will address it, because situations like this will all exist for real in some family, even if not ALL necessarily in the same family...

Things like that are best considered on a case-by-case basis:

1."Should I tell my niece-in-law that her husband has had a 30-year sexual relationship with her brother?"
Yes, God knows who else the brother is banging and she's at risk for STDs and AIDS.

2. "Does my own brother need to know that his youngest son is not his, but the result of his prim and proper wife's affair with a neighbor?"
No. You can't turn back the clock, the wife can't back the clock and it will only damage the relationshop with the non-son, who has done nothing to deserve that. Time enough to deal with it if some medical issue brings that little-known fact to the forefront. Hopefully, it may never happen.

3. "What would the family think of sweet Aunt "Flo" if they knew she's been embezzling from her employer?"
Not much, I'm sure, but it's not for you to tell. It's her employer's job to be enough on the ball to pick up on that. You can't save everyone.

4. "Should Grandma be told that her stolen silver is in her granddaughter's attic?"
Unless she desperately needs it, no. That would be accomplished in having her go to ger grave with a broken heart?

5. "Does the family need to know that Uncle "Ed" exposes himself in the mall parking lot?"
If he exposes himself to someone in the family, call the police. If he exposes himself in the mall parking lot, someone else will call the police. And a mall parking lot is a pretty public place. How come he hasn't been nailed yet after all this apparent time doing it? I am NOT sure this is real.

6. How shocked would the rest of the family be if they knew Junior, the Eagle Scout, is also a drug dealer?
Very but, again, it's police business, not yours.

7. Would home-wrecker "Sally" be interested in knowing that her new husband is still married to his first wife?
That, yes. Even if she doesn't deserve it.

That kind of information should be given privately to the person concerned only. Whatever they do with it is then their choice, and you're not the one who screamed it from the rooftops.

I, too question how is it that you are the depositary of all the sleaze. You must have the face of a National Enquirer reporter. And, like Mike H says, even if you do know all this, you can't be the only one.

Seems a bit early for April's Fools, but some people apparently find their fun in the strangest places. Mud be midwinter blues boredom - or menopause.

@Mike H
You have a valid point. However, whoever is confronted with a similar issue should ask him/herself what there is to be accomplished by outing the secret - just unburdening oneself is not good enough and a selfish reason. Is someone being protected by the secret being revealed? Is someone being harmed by this secret being revealed? The real dilemma is when the answer is 'yes' to both questions. But, considering the amount of pain the shit hitting the fan can bring, anyone in that position should carefully consider the plusses and the minuses.

LW2-
Siding with the abuser is more comfortable for the witnesses, because it saves them the trouble of heaping a moral judgment on the abuser. To do that requires examining the situation and actually THINKING, a fate worse than death for too many. Lots of zombies on automatic pilot 24/7 out there.

And sometimes they have no morality to start with, and some of them will be abusers themselves, and so it's no surprise where their loyalties lay.

Not to mention the still very prevalent thinking that it's the woman's responsibility to make the marriage work, and that any breakup is her failure no matter what. You wouldn't believe the number of people who still think that an abused woman is a bad wife and did something to deserve it. Yrrrch.

Stop banging yourself over the head for not calling the police. It would not have protected the second and current girlfriend and whoever else in between. Unless he kills someone, a male abuser doesn't end up in jail for very long, if at all.

And no, it is not your "job" to protect his new conquests, but doing what you can about a current situation you definitely know about may help you put away your guilt about not calling the police. Tell whoever you know to be in contact with the current girlfriend to encourage her to press charges and that she is not alone in this. The statute of limitations may perhaps have expired in your case (perhaps not), but you can still be called as a witness, and the same goes for the second girlfriend. The current abusee ought to be made aware of this, and it may bolster her courage to act, as she can count or more support that you could at the time.

P.S.: Two years ago, the girlfriend called you for help? Out of curiosity - how did she have your number?

IT was supposed to be "MUST be midwinter blues boredom" but, come to think of it, it's fine as it is.

Re: Chris

To tell or not to tell? My feedback on your post.

I think you have to take into consideration one very basic thing. Will telling what you know HELP or HURT the people who are involved? If the information is about someone's parentage (biological background), then yes, I think it's morally your obligation to bring the subject up to the offspring. Family history does have an affect on people's health, and as Mike said, they probably have an inkling already. Confirmation is a DNA test away.

But if the information is only going to hurt someone (news of a jailing, scandals, etc), I truly believe that it will come out anyway in this day and age. I've mentioned this at Annie's, but one of my cousins is a geneologist. He found out through court records that one of our great grandmothers had been married 5 times and actually ran a brothel out of her home! Needless to say, we were all shocked. Even my uncles had looked at this grandmother as a somewhat stern, self righteous religious woman and then we found out in her younger days, she was a madam! At this point in time (over 100 years later) it's a funny story to look back on and we all are almost kind of proud of her for bucking the system, getting away from a few bad eggs and then finally marrying a good man (great grandpa) and settling down, but it would have DESTROYED her family at the time if that had been known.

The rule my cousin has (and it is actually law) is that he can't publish information about any person alive. So, while we know all about our living (and dead) family trees, we don't know a lot about the living people's issues. When someone DIES, then the geneologists are able to publish family records etc. but if any living person is affected by legal docs etc, they are not allowed to publish them.

So maybe you take the same approach. If anyone alive is negatively impacted by the information you have, don't spill the beans. If it's a health issue, you have to do it (their family history). If it will HELP people, then you should have no problem doing so (history of mental illness for example to someone who wonders WHY they are chronically depressed and it's a family/DNA issue)..... just a suggestion.

Hugs my brother. It's not easy living with secrets.

I liked Mike's answer but, did anyone consider that she may be the family pariah and has fabricated these things? The way she characterizes these people, I think she may have made many mountains out of tiny molehills. She may be making these things up to make herself the center of attention. We certainly read a lot of letters about the troublemaker in the family who spreads lies, etc. This may just be her way of spewing her venom one last time. Unless she has proof of anything and has a good reason for telling, not just to get back at people, she should keep her mouth shut.

Re: nanchan What does, "The rule my cousin has (and it is actually law) is that he can't publish information about any person alive.", mean? Nothing can be published about living people? Is this Canadian law? We don't have that law here in the states. We can trash anyone we want as demonstrated by our political circus. scandal rags, and the Wall Street Journal.

Penny, I can't speak for nanchan, but libel and slander laws are on the books to prevent defamation of character that could destroy a person's ability to make a living. People living in the public light can be less susceptible to that kind of defamation -- a false rumor that an actress posed for nude photos may actually increase her fame and marketability, allowing her to make MORE money, while the very same rumor might prevent a woman in ministry from ever working in her denomination again.

LW1 - Some of these issues are none of your business, while others may require action. Why on earth would you wait until you died before saying anything about those selling drugs and others flashing their genitals in public? When you knew it was happening, you should have reported those incidents to the police and allowed them to do their jobs. This would certainly have been more affective than causing such a stir at your death. As far as I am concerned, you are a part of the problem in this dysfunctional family. You didn't say anything previously because of self-preservation. Sounds more like these people hurt you in one way or another over the years and this is your way of getting back at them.

Re: hedgehog

Thank you. I also put in a mail to my cousin asking him about it, because I was going off what he's told me (I have no reason to doubt him as he is a wolrd renouned geneologist and gives speeches all over the world for his work. I still haven't heard back from him and dont' want to comment on the legality of disclosure until he tells me the law. I highly suspect in his community that there are a lot of "unwritten" laws and ethics agreements. When you spend your life digging up the dirt in people's families, you can do a lot of damage that could reflect badly on the profession as a whole.

I'm also a little annoyed by Penny's tone. My post to Chris was a valid one, with my opinions on a question that he had posed. Instead of reading through my whole post, and commenting on that, Penny treated me with disrespect by hoverring in one point instead of on the post as a whole. It's getting old.

PS: Penny?? I am an American.

@ nanchan

I thought your post was great!!!! Very well written and provocative.

LW1: Well, as a screen writer you failed horribly. Creative writing by 2nd graders about the turkey at Thanksgiving has more enticement to be published than your drivel. Not even good poop picker upper in the back yard. Why did Margo waste this space for documented idiots.

LW1 -- I seriously doubt this letter is real, but for the sake of argument, let's pretend that it is... Ask yourself what it is you wish to accomplish by outing all these people? If you are hoping to help someone (like your niece-in-law, who may have some very real health concerns that she doesn't know about), is telling EVERYONE on your deathbed the most helpful way you can go about it? Probably not. You've gotten some really good advice on this from Mike H and Lise B.
Another poster (apologies -- I can't remember who it was!) noted the gleeful under tone of your letter, which suggests to me that you aren't wanting to share this information to help people, you want to share this information either to amuse yourself and/or to hurt others -- but you want to do it in such a way that you do not have to stick around to pick up the pieces. If this is the case, then you are almost as bad as any of these hypocrites you're so hot to tattle on.

Finally, as others have noted, I'm betting you only THINK you're the only one who knows all this. Moreover, some of the stuff you purport to "know" you probably only suspect. I'm assuming, for example, that you didn't run a DNA test and therefore do not KNOW the paternity of your nephew. Rather, you SUSPECT this, either because you don't like your sister-in-law and/or you believe you see a resemblance to the neighbor and no resemblance to your brother. Well, when DNA collides and combines, some interesting things happen. Sounds to me like you want to strike out at your SIL and are not thinking about the fact that she is not the only one who will be hurt by the information.

@Chris -- as others have suggested, I really think it comes down to what you hope to accomplish. I can see valid reasons for revealing secrets and equally valid reasons for keeping them. If the reason is to help someone, and revealing the secret truly does more good than harm, then you tell. If the reason is to unburden yourself -- tell your spiritual advisor (if you belong to a religion), or tell a counselor. In other words, tell someone who is legally required to keep your secret. In fact, even if the reason is to help someone, it might be helpful to first talk with a spiritual adviser and/or counselor, who has training and can help you determine whether it does more good than harm and can even help you determine the best way to reveal the information. And, of course, if the reason is spite -- well, just be darned sure that the person you wish to hurt is the ONLY person who is going to be hurt by the information. Nine times out of ten, the person you wish to hurt is NOT the only person who will be hurt.

(Okay, I know this poem is rather cheesy, but it's a good rule to follow, I think.)

Forget It

If you see a tall fellow ahead of the crowd,
A leader of the group, marching fearless and proud,
And you know of a tale whose mere telling aloud
Would cause his proud head in anguish be bowed,
It's a pretty good plan to forget it.

If you know of a skeleton hidden away in a closet,
Guarded and kept from the day in the dark,
Whose showing, whose sudden display,
Would cause grief and sorrow and life-long dismay,
It's a pretty good plan to forget it.

If you know of a spot in the life of a friend,
We all have spots concealed, world without end,
Whose touching his heartstring would hurt or rend,
‘til the shame of it showing no grieving could mend,
I think it's a pretty good plan to forget it.

If you know of a thing that will darken joy
Of a man, or a woman, or a girl, or a boy,
That will wipe out a smile, or the least way annoy
A fellow or cause any gladness to cloy,
It's a pretty good plan to forget it.

-Mortimer Lewis

Your column about Japanese business men "falling on their swords" ignores two recent events:
The Fukushima Nuclear Accident, and the Olympus Corporation. In both cases, words of denial
were everywhere, and, far from accepting any blame, the corporate executives in charge
stonewalled completely, until, in the first case, they were exposed by the media, and in the
second, were charged in a court of law. Just wanted you to know.

Re: Lisa
"Nine times out of ten, the person you wish to hurt is NOT the only person who will be hurt."
And sometimes not even the one who's hurt most!

@Ken Portnoy
Your post just reminded me of the Japanese government's attitude towards the evils perpetrated during the war... Just a few months ago, they *finally* apologised to the Canadian government for their treatment of Canadian prisoners of war. To the surviving Asian comfort women, not a word, even though they've been seeking acknowledgment for years now. But they still adamantly refuse to even apologise, never mind compensate them. No falling on any swords there.