Dear Margo: My father was unwilling to support and nurture his family and never gave my mother the love and care she deserved. When I was 13, she finally kicked him out. He moved across the country, and I haven't seen him since. I wasn't really upset, but rather relieved; we are so much better off without him.
I'm now 23 and recently married. I knew my father wouldn't come to the wedding. He's much too irresponsible and selfish to save up money for a flight and hotel ... even with 20 months' notice. In fact, he couldn't even be troubled to send a card. After the wedding, I decided that I had started a new chapter in my life and didn't want him involved. (His idea of "involved" is calling every couple of months to discuss the weather.) I haven't answered any of his calls, but I'm starting to feel guilty, although I have no use for a father who can't be bothered to attend his only daughter's wedding (or high-school graduation or college graduation). What should I do: Suck it up, or be the bigger person, answer his calls and make small talk? Or stick to my guns and move on with my life? — Feeling Fatherless in Pennsylvania
Dear Feel: Let's see, 23 minus 13 is 10. It sounds as though you have been comfortable for a decade with the reality that yours is no kind of father at all. I am probably alone in the advice world in being in favor of estrangements, but you need to do what feels the best for you. I have a hunch it is not making small talk with a man you have no respect for. As I've said over and over, being a blood relative is an accident of DNA, and people should have a choice about whom they include in their lives. He has made his, so you needn't be on a guilt trip. "Sticking to your guns" was an interesting choice of words — and that is what I would recommend. — Margo, preferably
Yes, There Are Christians in Scandinavia
Dear Margo: I am writing in the hope of getting some advice regarding my faith.
I was brought up in an almost atheistic society (Sweden) and currently live and work in Denmark (equally atheistic). After almost 20 years in this part of the world trying to be good and have Jesus in my life, I find it very hard, as almost no one accepts Him in these countries. I wanted to move to America where there are more God-fearing people, but it is not possible at this moment because of monetary issues. I am afraid of losing my faith living in this society. All schools, all media and most people see God as some sort of imagination and get their morals from what they think is honorable behavior. I've tried to speak to many of my friends, but they just laugh and say that to believe in God is "silly." I don't know what to do. — Bjorn
Dear Bjorn: Interestingly, I have a good friend who is Danish and living in Copenhagen. She tells me the state church is Protestant, with roughly 1 percent of the population being Catholic. Her experience is that most children get christened (in the state church) and later, at age 14 or 15, are confirmed in their faith by the local vicar. She e-mailed that the church doesn't play a very big role in daily life, but that "I think our society has a general belief in God, though polls show that fewer and fewer attend church on a regular basis. Religion is taught as a subject throughout high school. If you compare us to some of the ultra-conservative, anti-abortion factions in the U.S., you might conclude that we are an atheist society. However, one extreme to the other."
It is hard to believe that Protestants and Catholics in Scandinavia do not accept Jesus. I suggest you go to a local church and become involved. My friend tells me there are young Christian societies. My instinct tells me you need new friends. — Margo, faithfully
***
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Sorry Margo. You are so wrong. Feeling fatherless in Pennslvania needs to do what is in her heart and talk to her father. When he dies, and he will, she will not have any regrets. If she's feeling guilty now for not talking to him, imagine how she would feel if something happens to him. My father was an acoholic and was abusive. Finally when I was 24 he moved to Florida. I didn't see him for 16 years. I found out he had bladder cancer and was in a nursing home. I battled with myself about going to see him but finally did. What a blessing it was. I brought him back to our city and put him in a nursing home there. I took him to all of his cancer treatments, visited him every day for 4 years, had him to our home for christmas' and birthdays. Many times he didn't want to come but he did and I am so grateful I had my father for the last 4 years of his life. Don't pass up an opportunity to make things right.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Melanie
Sat Sep 26, 2009 5:50 AM
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I have a somewhat different take on "Feeling Fatherless in Pa." How did she, at age 13, know that her mother "wasn't getting the love and care she needed"? Clearly, her mother told her - no doubt, over and over. Did she ever hear the father's side of the story? Yes, the father could have tried harder to stay involved. Maybe he really is just a selfish pig. Just as possible, the mother could have made it clear to him that he wasn't welcome in any of their lives. After all, she was the one who kicked him out.
It sounds to me as though the letter writer is actually trying to get a stronger response from the father. "Look at me - I'm going to hurt you by not answering your calls. What are you going to do about it?" Otherwise, why would she bother writing to these two ladies to get their approval?
Comment: #2
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sat Sep 26, 2009 7:49 AM
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I kind of agree with Margo on LW1. If it makes the LW more emotionally healthy to stay away, she should stay away. I also disagree with Maggie that "clearly, the mother told" the LW that she wasn't getting the love and care she needed. Children are not blind. They can see when their parents' relationships is toxic. At age 8, I already knew my mother didn't get the love and care she needed from my father, although she never said a word. I never needed her to say anything because I saw what my father was like with my own eyes. Whenever my father was at home, he always found fault with anything my mother did: the food was never to his liking (my mother was and is a fine cook); the house was too dirty, but he never lifted a finger to dust or do the dishes - he expected my mother to hold down a full-time job AND be a full-time housekeeper. When I got to be about 7 or 8, I started to do a lot of the housework, and then he would go and check whether I dusted and vacuumed well enough, and it was never well enough no matter how hard I tried. My father constantly griped that my mother's work was taking too much time away from "the family," but it was my mother's paycheck that paid the bills. I know because I helped her with the budgeting every month from age 10 on. Where my father's paycheck went, I still don't know because after he died, we couldn't find any accounts where he might have kept it. My father was verbally and emotionally abusive to both me and my mother. About 10 years ago, I asked my mother why she never divorced him, and she said that she took her marriage vows seriously, including "till death do us part." I love my mother, but I can't respect that particular approach she has to life. We both would have been much happier if she'd ever had the guts to kick my father out. Kicking somebody out does not make you a bad person. Often, it just shows that you've got enough courage and self-esteem left to drop the dead weight and move on with your life.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Ariana
Sat Sep 26, 2009 9:13 AM
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Dear Margo, In response to "Feeling Fatherless", I do not agree whatsoever with your response. You stated,"...you need to do what's best for you." This does in no way address any of the past hurts that she has been through. Nor will there ever be healing in her life form those hurts. By not talking to him, she will still live on with all those bad feelings about her father.
What she needs to do is, talk to her father and be totally honest with him specifically about how the many times that he has hurt her. (This may take more than one phone call.) She also needs to listen to his side (if he has one, as there are two sides to every story). She needs to do this with openness, not being defensive or accusing.
This may not change her dad, but for her it will help in the healing process that needs to take place. Once she has confronted him and gets everything out in the open, then she can move on. Until then, she'll be stuck in a rut of her past hurts and disappointments.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Diann
Sat Sep 26, 2009 9:26 AM
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I have heard before that Jesus is no longer a priority in the lives of many Scandinavians; unfortunately this is gradually getting to be the case in other parts of Europe, too. However, I hope that this LW does not get the idea that the United States is overflowing with faith, either. When I took a missions trip to Uganda a couple of years ago, I met more devout Christians than I had ever seen in my life, and many of them seemed to have the same idea about our country that this LW does. She indeed will find that there are many parts of the US (much of the Midwest and South in particular) where Christians outnumber atheists and/or members of other faiths, but she shouldn't think that ALL parts of our nation are like that. If she wants to come to America, I'd suggest finding a way to make an extended visit here, perhaps with a job on a work visa. Moving to another country is a big decision and there is a big element of "starting over" involved. In the meantime, Margo does make a good point - find some new friends. I would never voluntarily hang around people who said that following Christ was "silly."
Comment: #5
Posted by: Matt
Sat Sep 26, 2009 9:14 PM
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North America (and Africa) are not the only places the LW can go to: other countries in europe are very strong on religion: Italy for instance, or Spain, Portugal, Greece...even Eastern Europe. you may not find "Christians" but you will find plenty of Catholics and Orthodox Christians there. I would assume (probably wrong about this since I am agnostic) that sharing your belief system with people who share in Christianity is better than nothing at all.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Marie-Claude
Mon Sep 28, 2009 1:08 PM
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