Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

LW1: Way to go Margo! Finally, an advice columnist that does NOT say 'more counseling" or "you need to change yourself to please your spouse".

In my opinion, LW, you have two choices. 1) Ditch your spouse or 2) Stay and resign yourself to an open marriage, because that's what you have right now and she has no incentive to change.

I know which one I'd pick, I think I know which one you want. Now you have to do the hard work and actually act on your gut decision.

Re: nanchan

I agree nanchan, except I would change "resign" to "embrace". If he's going to stay, he needs to embrace the open marriage. Even if it takes him a while to get into the swing of things (pun intended), he needs to focus on what positives he can draw from an open marriage, including expanding his own sexual repertoire.

If he's merely resigned, he's better off getting out of the marriage.

I usually only recommend divorce as a last resort, but the wife in Letter #1 has shown a complete lack of respect for her husband. If his money and social standing is the only reason she's standing, I'd let Good in the Sack have her and see how quickly she appreciates what she lost. Good in the Sack doesn't last forever.

And there are plenty of women who'd love a man who is committed to marriage and gives lots of TLC.

Hmmm. I took a two-hour walk yesterday, and two days before that, I could barely walk. This is not uncommon with chronic pain and fatigue conditions. Why are you so certain your sister is faking her illness?

LW3: I'm not doubting that you have caught your sister in many whoppers over the years. HOWEVER, the example you gave is really poor. Anyone familiar with Meniere's disease is aware of its unpredictable nature -- the attacks, which can vary in intensity, duration and occurrence, can leave a person literally lying on the floor for hours, unable to walk because the room won't stop spinning. Two days later, it is ABSOLUTELY possible that this same person could be walking for two hours, playing a game of basketball, even, with no problem.

That's what's so incredibly frustrating, scary and isolating about the disease -- people with Meniere's are very often accused of seeking attention or malingering because hey, they LOOK quite healthy when not in the throes of an attack. But you can't predict the attacks and you can't always manage them. Stress (like losing a job or seeing a spouse lose his) can bring them on. And the symptoms often include hearing loss, ringing in the ears, nausea, migraines and fatigue -- all of which can seem unrelated.

It's too bad your sister spent all her credibility on other things, because people dealing with Meniere's can really use a sympathetic ear.

LW1: Wow. You aren't jealous, that your wife has been with other men, and the man she's currently cheating on you with is so great in bed she doesn't want to stop... and you travel often... again, wow.

The one thing you don't mention is how your bedroom life was/is with your wife. Is there a bedroom life with your wife right now? Has it become predictable, boring? Or has it faded away into nothingness and all that's left is TLC?

Are you gay? I mean, like, if you're gay and in the closet and you are worried about how it will look that your wife is cheating on you, then maybe you need to figure out a new strategy.

If you aren't gay that kudos for you for not getting enraged with jealousy. It's possible you may even be able to handle an open marriage, but you need to talk to your wife about what she wants out of marriage and what you want out of marriage. Why is she still with you after at least two affairs? Why is she still with you even though this new guy is apparently better in bed? Is it solely your class status? Your money? Or does she still have a real emotional attachment to you outside of the material?

You two need to decide together what kind of marriage works for you both, and what you both can honestly live with. And if you two can't come to a mutually-satisfying agreement, then you need to think about ending the marriage.

LW1 - You gotta be kidding me. Your wife got away with one affair, and now she's getting away with another and you're actually rewarding her behavior with more TLC, by your own words. Whats wrong with this picture? If I need to spell it out for you, what's wrong is that your wife isn't seeing any negative consequences at all.

Much like alcoholics and drug addicts, only when she fully grasps, and truly believes, that she will actually lose someone or something she values if she continues her behavior, will she have sufficient incentive to change. Right now, you're not giving her that. The time to act is NOW, not in three or six months.

LW1: Pay this woman $1000 a month to live somewhere else and get on with your life. Just because she is willing to admit what she is doing doesn't make it okay. You are busting your butt and she is playing you for the fool. Divorce her and don't look back.

LW2: Your sister wants your attention. She wants sympathy and more attention. When she lists her woes and activities, give her validating but snarky feedback (such as, "wow, you really have it bad" or "you're a trooper" or "all that and you're still alive!?" Be KINDLY humorous when you call her on her kvetching). Then tell her, your communication with me is full of lies, exaggerations and makes you not want to talk to her.

Sadly, my daughter has a seven year old friend who sounds exactly like your sister. He told my daughter that a sight-seeing activity in our city when horribly wrong and resulted in several deaths. He said he saw it happen with his own eyes, and I knew for a fact he was making it up, as children often do. I gently told him I knew that it hadn't happened, that particular activity has not had a single accident related death in the twenty-five years it has been running. (A couple people have had heart attacks and one person committed suicide on it, but no accidents, but I didn't tell the kids that.) "okay" he said, "I was just joking anyway!"

My younger sister was horribly rude to me earlier this year. Over the past two years she had been talking down to people, treating everyone as though they were worthless idiots, and laughingly attacking the eating habits, politics and religion of anyone around her who wasn't exactly like her. I called her out and told her in no uncertain terms what I had witnessed her doing in the previous few years and I also told her I was disappointed that she would not only think like this, but also treat others in this manner. Luckily, it was the swift kick in the butt she needed and our relationship is healing. I love her deeply, she is my sister.

Additionally, I have had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and my supervisor told me it was probably all in my head. It was awful, I was twenty-three and I woke up with a feeling of having a thirty pound weight on my chest, dragging through the day and always going to the doctor. And in my supervisors defense, I WAS giving in to my condition and wanting others to say, "poor you!" but what I needed to do was keep going and not give in to it. Now when it flares up, I deal with it and most of the time, maintain my schedule.

Like the letter writer says, her sister is a liar and always has been. Like my daughter's school-mate, I suspect this starts early and when my daughter lies about something, I catch her on it and tell her there is a difference between what actually happens and what is the truth. There is no telling how bad life can get when a person believes their own lies.

LW1: Huh? Is this the only woman you think you could find? I'm pretty sure that you could do better regardless of your low self-esteem. Get some therapy. There is a reason why you would marry a woman like this and remain married to her.

LW2: You're already doing it so are you looking for someone to tell you that you're doing the right thing? Okay, you are. Happy now?

LW1 -- What Sop Sop said. If you can embrace an open marriage, go for it. But if you are not OK with that, then it's time for you to leave. Seriously.

Chelle, with all due respect, someone with Meniere's simply cannot push through, and maintain their schedule, no matter how motivated they are. They can't drive; they often cannot walk a straight line because the inner ear, which normally orients you as to which ways is up, is giving you bad information. During milder attacks, you can stagger like a drunk from support to support; during severe ones, I couldn't even lie in my bed for fear I would fall out. I had to lie still on the floor, and only by focusing on a corner where the walls met the ceiling could I restore ANY order to what I was seeing -- and then, only for that limited space and for brief periods.

After an attack had passed, I couldn't work at a computer screen or look at television; the flicker tended to set off another attack. Migraines often accompanied the attacks, or came immediately after. The disease also swiftly robbed me of my hearing in one ear before I was 35; I lived in fear the other would go as well, leaving me unable to work in my field. That was assuming, of course, that I'd ever be attack-free long enough to drive again and GO to work.

Friends tried their best to be understanding when I canceled babysitting times for their kids, or didn't show up to work the PTA bake sales as scheduled or canceled out on get-togethers. But it wasn't until two of them saw what happens firsthand (one had a viral infection that mimicked it; the other was tending to her husband, who came down with it) that each of them took me aside separately and said, "I had no idea how totally disabling this is. Mel couldn't move without puking; all he could do was lie in one position on the couch for 2 days." and "I knew you said it was bad, but I didn't really understand that it wouldn't just stop if you laid down or sat down in the dark."

I think it's quite likely that LW's sister is telling the truth about Meniere's, even if she's lied about everything else up until now. People who are going to fake a disease to get attention will have a much higher success rate if they pick something other people have heard of -- cancer, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, endometriosis, celiac disease, back problems, chronic migraines, even plantar fascitis tends to get more recognition than Meniere's.

LW1-
Frankly, if she thinks that what the two of you do when you're apart doesn't matter while you want her to stop her antics, it would appear that you and your wife have drastically opposing views of what a marriage should be - at least of her marriage to you.

The fact that you're being told that you don't measure up to some socially inept bozo in the sack department is quite insulting and not productive (you should both be working on you getting better at it, not her finding better). Not to mention that it sounds like Ms Hot Pants has problems being on her own when you have to travel - the kind of woman for whom the chastity belt was invented.

And then, there is the risk of STDs. Precautions (providing she is using any) are like contraception - never 100% safe. And that's another concern - what if she gets pregnant, even unintentionally? She's not over the hill yet. Want to raise another man's child?

This sounds like a marriage of convenience - you like having a warm body waiting for you when you come home from the Crusades and she lifes the security. I am not particularly possessive myself either, but I can tell you there is no way I would settle for this yurunda. Are you sure you want to wait until she finds someone who is good in bed AND high "on the social scale"?

LW2-
Hmmm. (;-) Carla) When I was hit by the car, I suffered a burn-out on top of the severe injuries requiring complete orthopedic reconstruction. Some people thought I was faking it - the minute you're not paralysed and in a wheelchair, a lot of people think you can't be all that disabled because they can't see the damage - lots of St-Thomases out there. People like you.

I just Googled Meniere's Disease. You obviously haven't. The symptoms can be debilitating enough, and you say she has other conditions as well, on top of job losses? She doesn't sound like she's faking, she sounds like she's going through hell.

Do her a favour and DON'T call her - she needs a demon poking her with the pitchfork like she needs a brick wall on her feet. My oh my, but aren't you the compassionate one - yrrrch. I can only hope that you don't end up in such hardship yourself - or perhaps you should, might teach you basic humanity. You'll see how nice it is to be called a liar by someone who refuses to believe anything and poo-poos everything you say.

@Chelle
As someone suffering from chronic fatigue, you ought to know how debilitating and unpredictable some conditions can be. I'm glad to hear you can manage yours, but not everyone can, regardless on how much they might want to. Hardhip like job losses can make a chronic condition worse and trigger an attack. So don't be so quick to lump this woman with a fabulating 7 year-old. I suggest you Google Meniere's disease too. And re-read Hedgehog's post.

@Hedgehog
There is absolutely no evidence that the sister has been lying about anything. Just because the LW doesn't believe a word of it is no proof of anything - she could be as insensitive to "the rest" as she is to her medical conditions. So she says her sister has been lying and exaggerating for years. That doesn't mean it's true - someone you don't believe is always a liar. As Carla first pointed out, the one example of a lie she gave was totally invalid. Chances are it's the same for the rest.

When I Googled Meniere's Disease, it said in Wikipedia that there are many other things that can accompany the symptoms even if they are not Meniere-related as such - like the nausea that often accompanies disorientation and vertigo. As you well know. The LW has no medical expertise to know what goes with what and what makes sense in her sister's complaint and what doesn't. She DOES admit the woman has Meniere's plus "other" conditions, on top of having had to deal with double job losses. All of that is already staggering, and the woman had NO MERCY AT ALL, just a "awww, shaddup with your bellyaching, I don't wanna hear it" attitude. Re-yrrrch.

Hedgehog: You are right and I am sorry that I said that about Meniere's Disease. There are many medical conditions that one cannot "push" their way through. My understanding of what happens with others and their health has just been broadened and I thank you for it.

I sincerely hope you no longer have any flare-ups and that things improve for you.

And thank you Lise, I have done as you suggested.

Thanks, Chelle, and Lise, too. I've fortunately been in remission and living normally for the better part of 12 years. The shadow of it does linger, because I've read it can flare up again after even 20 years.

I do think it's possible that LW's sister has been caught red-handed in a series of lies over the years; people who lie frequently do tend to get tripped up now and again, and like the little boy who cried "Wolf!", the result is that most people will then discredit them even when the wolf really appears. (And that's a very good reason why we teach kids that honesty is the best policy.)

I very much hope that LW (Margo, too, for that matter) reads up on Meniere's and realizes that, far-fetched as it sounds, her sister really COULD have days where she's laid low followed by days where she's her normal self, and that the host of other problems she's reporting could all have been caused by this strange disease. There's no cure, and there were several people on a listserve I was on who were forced to go on long-term disability because their attacks were so severe and unremitting.

Re: hedgehog

I certainly went through drastically opposing good days and bad days when I was recuperating from the accident.

I'm pretty much the workaholic and I occasionally have what I call "super-duper days", when I manage to accomplish an amazing amount of things. The indication that I was on the mend (long) after the accident was when I got a super-duper day after having had the wind completely blown out of my sails for months and months. Of course, I wasn't healed yet, and I paid for that day by being totally exhausted and flat on my back for three days afterwards. Anyone with the attitude of LW2 would have seen that as the proof that I was faking it.

Health and physical strength are one of the few things I can be grateful for - I'm more fit than most people half my age and strong as a horse. I have sequels from that accident, but I'm grateful that they are not debilitating enough to prevent me from working - we all have to deal with pain, don't we? And if I can still work, then whatever pain I have is a lot more manageable than for many. At least I'm still walking - a hundred years ago, I wouldn't have been. One thing the accident taught me is how hard life can be for the people whose strenght NEVER comes back, and those who suffer from a chronic condition that keeps coming back.

I'm glad to hear you're in remission and I fervently hope for you that it never comes back. If it does and you need support, well, you do have some people here who believe you!

Thanks, Lise, and you're very right -- we all do deal with pain, and like you, the bad made me so much more grateful for the good, and it really made me more aware that so many people are going through similar struggles from various causes. I hope your sequels become ever less severe and ever more far apart; it's good to know there's a sounding board if we need one!