Recently
Dreams of "What If?"
Dear Margo: I'm a 20-something woman engaged to the best man I've ever known. I am beyond ecstatic to be getting married. My problem has nothing to do with him and everything to do with a guy who was one of my best friends in college. This guy and I …Read more.
Afraid of Little Girls
Dear Margo: Between the ages of 6 and 10, I was severely bullied, but I was given the impression by grownups that such behavior was perfectly normal for children and I shouldn't be so sensitive. (I now realize they probably did not pay attention to …Read more.
Every Problem Does Not Have a Solution
Dear Margo: Many years ago, I got a call informing me that my son was arrested and being held on $1 million bail. That was when I first learned that he is a pedophile.
He has just completed his 20-year prison sentence, and during that time I learned …Read more.
When You Live on a One-Way Street
Dear Margo: My patience has run out with the three living members of my family. My father, his mother and my brother have gone through periods of not talking to each other or to me. My brother wants nothing to do with my father or our grandmother, …Read more.
more articles
|
To Be Drawn In or Not To Be
Dear Margo: I'm a ninth grader at a small private school. I recently found out that someone who used to go to my school and is now at another school is smoking and dealing pot. When I found this out, I wondered if anyone at my school was doing this, so I asked a friend. (I am slightly oblivious to what is going on in my grade, so even if I don't know about it, it could still be happening.)
My friend told me there are just a few kids in my grade smoking pot. I don't know who, but apparently my friend knows, and it's supposedly common knowledge in my grade. I was also told that these people are only doing it once every couple of months.
What can I do to help these few people stop, and to get the person at the other school to stop dealing and using? I don't want to ruin his life or get him in trouble, but I am worried that if I don't do something that worse things will happen. Is there anything I can do? — Sally H.
Dear Sal: I am going to give you a realistic answer, not a utopian one. I do not think a high-school freshman can convince another kid to stop smoking dope. And ... if your information is correct that it's only once in a while, that falls under the category of "experimenting."
What I do think is serious is the kid who is dealing. I would advise the head of the school or the juvenile division of your local police department that there's a good chance that so-and-so is dealing. You will be doing that kid a favor, because, being a high-school kid, they will scare the bejesus out of him, that will be the end of that, and he likely will be put on probation. — Margo, interventionally
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Dear Margo: How do you deal with someone who buys you things after you've asked them not to? I'm having this issue with my mother, who does just that. I feel it's rude and disrespectful to do something when a person has asked you not to.
I don't mean to be ungrateful, but I have said multiple times to her, "Please don't get me anything else, as I have no space for anything." I received gifts for both this Christmas and last that I flat-out said I didn't want because I had no room in my kitchen for them. "Do you need pots and pans?" "No, the set I have is still good." Then I get a new set of pots and pans. This goes for other things, as well.
I feel she is trying to compensate for being a bad/absent mother in my teenage years (another letter completely). I don't know how to deal with this and get the message through. It's like she's trying to make my home as cluttered and filled with useless things as hers! — Aggravated
Dear Ag: You have stated your wishes — more than once — and she has ignored them — more than once. What I suggest you do is return whatever it is you don't need for store credit and use the credit to buy gifts for others or things you'd have to buy for yourself (e.g., clothes, office supplies, things for your kids if you have them).
When people are not listening to you, they do not hear you. And a simple "thank you" when these unwanted things arrive, without a reminder that you didn't need it, may startle her into doing things your way. Yours are what I call high-class worries. Too many pots and pans, not enough space? Nah, I think an old emotional situation is playing out. You seem to understand the dynamic, so don't let it get to you. — Margo, perceptively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2012 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
|
 |
Comments
|
13 Comments | Post Comment
|
|
LW2: Why is this a big deal at all? There are SO many people who need the stuff your mom gives you. Why don't you think about donating to a battered women's shelter, homeless shelters, friends you know who need stuff? One of my friends has a mother who redecorates her house every few years and we all clamber for the cast offs! I don't see the need to make this into a huge debate about mom disrespecting you. Just indulge her and get rid of the stuff in other ways.
LW1: Stay out of this. You don't even KNOW for sure if this is happening it's all heresay (or heresy as Chris would say!). Drug dealers in general don't take too kindly to people telling on them, you could even be putting yourself in danger. Stay quiet, focus on your own self.
Comment: #1
Posted by: nanchan
Thu Feb 2, 2012 9:43 PM
|
|
|
|
LW2 - Mom's not going to listen, and it's her money, let her spend it. If you don't need the stuff consider donating it. It can go to one of the many organizations that help those less fortunate, Just imagine what a world of difference those pots & pans would make to the mother that just fled her abusive marriage with children and is now starting out with nothing, to be able to cook a meal for her children... It's about the thought, not what is inconveniencing you. Turn it into something positive by helping others.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Scorn
Thu Feb 2, 2012 11:24 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1,my advice, hon, would be to stay out of it, mind your business, live your life and let others live theirs. As you go through life you'll meet and hear of people doing weird things. It's not your job to try to stop or fix or transform them.
LW2, since mom is determined to give you stuff... maybe for the reason you mention... next time she asks what you want, tell her "A $1000 donation to my favorite charity would be great. Thanks mom." Then name the charity, and forget about it. If she tells you she made it, just say "That's cool," then change the subject. If she still sends you stuff, follow Margo's advice.
Comment: #3
Posted by: sarah morrow
Thu Feb 2, 2012 11:46 PM
|
|
|
|
LW2: It sounds to me that your mom desperately wants to hear the words, "I love you mom". Then you can follow up with, "I don't need a thing, but let me take you out for the evening." Spend some more time with her. She feels guilty, and rightfully so, but she is trying to re-establish a relationship with you, which is honorable. If she still gives you gifts you don't need, just stash them in the basement or garage and give it to a friend who may need it.
Comment: #4
Posted by: happymom
Fri Feb 3, 2012 5:04 AM
|
|
|
|
@ happymom - you may be right that the mother is desperate to hear the words "I love you", but ignoring her daughter's wishes is not the way to do it. I suspect, though, that the gifts aren't about her daughter at all - if they were she would give what her daughter really wants - respect. I think the gifts are more about the mom filling a hole in her own life and she is giving because of the feelings *she* gets from the giving, a sentiment I disagree with since a gift is supposed to be about the recipient.
@ nanchan - I also have to disagree with you, something I don't often do. In your situation you all WANT the stuff being gotten rid of. You have a choice. I think the LW is upset more about having her feelings completely disregarded and having her choice taken away than about having to get rid of material items. I also don't agree that someone who is disrespecting you and disregarding your feelings completely should be indulged - it only encourages inconsiderate/bad behavior.
What I would say is a continuation of what sarah morrow suggested - mention the donation to charity, then add "but if you prefer to get me those pots and pans I know a shelter that would be thrilled with that as well."
Comment: #5
Posted by: kristen
Fri Feb 3, 2012 9:49 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: happymom
Great post about just letting mom know she's loved. VERY important point.
As for indulging her, I will stand by that part of my post, kristen. Some things that people do really cause us little or no harm, but give them great pleasure. In my book, it's a matter of chosing one's battles. Example: whenever I see my sister, she insists on paying for lunch. It doesn't matter that I outearn her and I know she has two kids at Ivy league schools that have to be costing her a ton of money, to her, she's my big sister, I'm her baby sister and she's there to take care of me. It annoys me because it feels like she can't recognize my accomplishments: I've come a long way and would love to spoil HER. BUT, and here's the issue, it gives my sister pleasure to do something for me, she's never going to change, and in the grand scope of things.. is it really worth putting a bummer on my relationship with my sister because something irritates me which is basically harmless? No. I love my sister more than I feel the need to make her mad by blowing something out of proportion because of how I feel. (and yes, I find other ways to spoil her)
Moms are even more stuck in their roles than sisters (at least my mom is). Every year she sends me stuff I don't want/need that I have to get rid of, even though I've told her over and over not to spend her pension on stuff for me. But she does it ANYWAY and I suspect that's what the LW is going through as well. Why do they continue to do it? It's not a matter of disrespect, per se. I believe it's because a mom/daughter relationship has it's own dynamic, many complete with struggles and role definition. She is the LW's MOM for goodness sakes, and the LW will always be her baby. Mom thinks she knows more than the LW and that's ok. Is this really a battle to fight? In my opinion, no. If Mom was doing something to hurt the LW (calling her at all hours of the night, harrassing her at work, trashing her reputation etc) than I would say that is worth getting upset about . This is about GIFTS and when a gift is given it is up to the recipient to determine what to do with the gift. If the LW is so upset about space, etc. my suggestion is to donate the gift. Should she tell mom if she donates the stuff? I'm on the fence on that one. It would upset me if I spent time getting something for my daughter, maybe spending hours looking for exactly the right thing, and then she gave it a friend. (yes she's done that to me!) but I would be glad to know if she gave it to someone who needed it. Because then I would know I had given my daughter the ultimate gift: the ability to empathize with others and to help people.
Comment: #6
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Feb 3, 2012 12:41 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1 - I'm totally with nanchan on this one...you do NOT report anything without absolutely solid evidence or unless you witness something directly. Putting aside the fact that what you're hearing may be completely blown out of proportion to what is actually happening, as high school gossip often gets, drug dealers have connections and can conveniently find perfectly innocent scapegoats if they start hearing rumors that someone is reporting them. If you try to report something with only vague stories and rumors as your basis, word is going to get around the school that people are looking for a dealer...and you could very easily open your locker one day to find someone has slipped some pot in there, with a witness "conveniently" nearby who would see it and could then report YOU. Or something similar could happen to a different perfectly innocent party.
Unless you actually personally see someone doing something illegal, or find absolutely solid evidence of such going on, don't say anything, or you'll end up causing more trouble, for yourself or others.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Paul W
Fri Feb 3, 2012 1:20 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1 -- Margo gave you excellent advice. nanchan pointed out that dealers don't take kindly to being told on, so you may want to consider doing it anonymously, if you can.
LW2 -- As Margo noted, This is obviously not about gifts and/or having enough space for them. It's about your relationship with your mother. And it's not as simple and straightforward as her wanting to make up for being a not-so-great mom when you were a teen. I'm sure that's part of it, but I also noted the part in your letter where you say "It's like she's trying to make my home as cluttered and filled with useless things as hers!" She may not realize that's what she's doing, but it may well be that she is, on some level, trying to make you more like her or otherwise create some common ground with you -- and every time you complain about her getting you stuff, you are rejecting her (being like her, having common ground with her, what have you). Again, that's a lot to read into a set of pots and pans, but that's why this isn't about pots and pans. So, you can either just say thank you and donate the gifts to charity, or make one last attempt to have a conversation with her about this. Only this time, you will talk about the REAL problem, that you feel like she's not listening to you, which makes you feel like she doesn't respect you. Also include the part (assuming it's true) about how you love her, whether she gives you gifts or not and that you forgave her stint of not-so-great mothering a long time ago. If she still buys you stuff you don't need -- you're back to saying thank you and donating the gifts to charity.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Feb 3, 2012 3:11 PM
|
|
|
|
@Paul -- I saw your post after I typed mine, and you (and nanchan) are right. I had said she could consider telling if she could do so anonymously, but I agree that unless she KNOWS this is happening, she shouldn't say anything, not even anonymously.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Feb 3, 2012 3:14 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1: Well, you're an odd duck. Why do you care what strangers are doing with their lives? I find it very disturbing that you are so concerned with strangers not living their lives based on your personal choices. I hope in the future you don't plan on wearing a bomb to get your message of "caring" across.
LW2: Sell them on ebay and thank God you're mother is stupid.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Diana
Fri Feb 3, 2012 4:36 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1--"What can I do to help these few people stop, and to get the person at the other school to stop dealing and using?" Here's a news flash sweetie: kids in school are and will do all manner of drugs, have sex and make all sorts of bad decisions. And guess what! It's not just "a few". Not only is there absolutely nothing you can do about it, but it's not your responsibility to ensure that everyone conforms to your staunch values or morals. Going to the school authorities or singling out kids who you think are on drugs will accomplish absolutely nothing except make you the designated narc and high brow goody goody. You may as well paint a great big target on your forehead right now. My advice to you is to forget about what your little friend told you and continue wearing your rose colored glasses. How about you concentrate on getting the best education that you can so that you can be as successful in the future as possible and let the other kids' parents handle their children's' dysfunctions. Capisci?
LW2--"I feel she is trying to compensate for being a bad/absent mother in my teenage years (another letter completely)." Which is why you graciously accept your mother's generous gifts, and then quietly turn around and donate them to a deserving charity. Everyone wins. Geesh! Use some common sense.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Chris
Fri Feb 3, 2012 6:12 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1-
"Is there anything I can do?"
No.
While I commend you for your concern, there is a fine line between being concerned and turning into a control freak. Be careful not to cross it - other people's lives are not your business.
You have no irrefutable proof of this and it's all hearsay, teenage gossiping. Not to mention that... let's say the kid really is dealing. Drug dealers do not usually take too kindly to people trying to get between them and their drug money. You don't want to be the one to whom "worse things" are happening. Not to mention... regular kids have no love lost for snitches. Want to become the resident punching bag for bullies? Do this, and you might as well paint a big target on your backside and wait for the kicks to start flying. In 9th grade, you're what, 14, 15? You're a bit young to volunteer for the job of Saviour of Humanity, so put down the super-hero book alreaty.
My advice, if you ever get to read it, is to concentrate on your own studies and MYOB for the rest.
LW2-
She is still being a "bad" parent, but she is being omnipresent instead of absent. Same song, second verse, flip side of the record.
"I don't know how to deal with this and get the message through." If it was possible to get the message through, you would have done so already - she isn't listening. So you have to learn how to deal. If you can't return the stuff to the store for credit, then choose which set of pots and pans you prefer and donate the other to your local thrift shop or women's shelter - or pile up the extra stuff in a cupboard or a locker and have a yard sale in the spring.
P.S.: "It's like she's trying to make my home as cluttered and filled with useless things as hers!"
Well, yeah, that's it exactly! After all, if everybody is the same, then it proves their normalcy, right?
Comment: #12
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Feb 5, 2012 2:21 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1: Stay out of it. You are not obligated to help the pot-smokers, whom you do not even really know. It will actually get you into a bad crowd, and into a lot of trouble, and quite possibly you could be persuaded to smoke it yourself (as much as you might think you won't.) If it was a good friend who was smoking, yes you should try to help. But it sounds like you don't even know the individuals who are doing it, and your intentions are so not your business. When you find out who it is, what are you planning to do? Go up to this stranger and say you know they are smoking pot and they should stop? Lecturing people you barely know is not going to get them to stop. It is actually great to be oblivious to who is smoking pot and doing other drugs, as it keeps you on the right track. After I graduated high school, I found out that several people had experimented with alcohol, drugs and sex. I never knew about it, and after I found out, I was really glad, because all of those people never went to college or got good jobs. I did.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Salty
Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:16 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
