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What's Up with That?
Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more.
Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind
Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more.
Good To Go
Dear Margo: My father recently got a diagnosis of stage-four liver cancer. He is adamant that he wishes to die at home. In addition to needing information about how this can be arranged, I have now started thinking about my own health and wishes. I …Read more.
To Be Drawn In or Not To Be
Dear Margo: I'm a ninth grader at a small private school. I recently found out that someone who used to go to my school and is now at another school is smoking and dealing pot. When I found this out, I wondered if anyone at my school was doing this, …Read more.
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Please Google Karen Carpenter
Dear Margo: I am very worried about my boyfriend. "Lake" is 21, 6 feet tall and 140 pounds. Lately he's begun eating less and less — like one salad per day along with coffee and diet soda. He told me he was "just trying to lose a few pounds," but I think this might be something more serious. He now insists that we walk if we're going somewhere, and he runs for at least an hour every day. Could this be the start of anorexia? He has certainly had a stressful few years. His parents disowned him when they learned of his homosexuality, and before that, they always pressured him to be "perfect." Six months ago, I underwent treatment for and successfully recovered from bulimia, so it isn't like I'm new to the eating-disorder thing. I know how easy it is for this to get out of control. I've tried to convince him that he doesn't need to diet, and that starving himself is unsafe, but he refuses to listen, saying that he doesn't have a problem and that he knows what he's doing. Am I overreacting, or should I keep trying to get through to him? — Blue
Dear Blue: You are not overreacting, and he needs to see someone — soon. His new habits are dangerous, and you should insist he get help and treatment. Everything you mention is a clear sign that his sexuality and his parents' response to it have sent him into a tailspin. The fact that you lived through your own eating disorder should give you the clout to override his denials about being anorexic. Give it your best, and perhaps tell him you can't stick around and watch him kill himself. — Margo, promptly
One Out of Three Ain't Bad
Dear Margo: I have three lovely daughters, all in their 40s. My problem is with my youngest, who lives out of state. Our visits are very uncomfortable and are affecting my desire to visit her or to have her come here. It seems I express my opinion too much to suit her. Inevitably, I end up crying, as she gets either terribly angry or sarcastic. I never seem to see this coming and am blindsided. We apologize and make up, but the atmosphere is heavy with the anticipation of my doing or saying something "wrong" again. I don't know what I am to say so as not to cause this strong reaction. She tells me the problem is that I act like a "know it all." I just think we are having conversations with occasional differing opinions. Last time I visited her, I asked why she was driving on a different street than she normally takes, and she construed this as my trying to give her directions. That's how sensitive our conversations have become. What can this be about? — Uncomfortable Mother
Dear Unc: Something is clearly getting under your daughter's skin, and it appears to be you. This does not mean it actually is you, but that's where her displeasure is aimed. She is prickly about something and feels, justifiably or not, that you are forever correcting her. Some people would advise you to walk on eggshells when you visit her and say very little, or agree with whatever she says. But that is not what I would do — simply because it's too tough to put on an act for one's child. I would take a break from the visits, and perhaps ask one of her sisters to suggest that she get to the bottom of why she finds you such an irritant. My guess is that it's easier to blame you than whatever is the actual problem, or that she is hanging on to something from childhood that she's never resolved. — Margo, experimentally
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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7 Comments | Post Comment
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I would bet that Uncomfortable Mother is the one with the problem, and that the daughter is fed up with it. The sample question proves my point -- the daughter wouldn't have reacted badly to such a question about her driving route if she hadn't been trained by her mother that a barrage of criticism often accompanies such a "harmless" observation. Reactions like that don't just come about out of thin air, for no reason.
Many hypercritical people just don't get it, and don't understand why their remarks chip away at people -- their reaction is pretty universal, feeling that "everything" they say is wrong, because they honestly cannot detect the tenor of their words -- I think LW is genuinely clueless and I feel sorry for her, but sorrier for the daughter.
I don't understand why Margo said the mother wasn't the real problem. Even if she didn't pick up on the fact that the mother is hypercritical, she had no basis NOT to assume that the daughter's problem was with the mother, as the mother had told her. I apologize, for I usually agree with Margo -- not today though.
Comment: #1
Posted by: pinetree
Fri Nov 6, 2009 7:55 AM
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Pinetree,
I agree with you 100%, but I do not think the mother is so clueless about her behaviour:
"It seems I express my opinion too much to suit her. Inevitably, I end up crying, as she gets either terribly angry or sarcastic. I never seem to see this coming and am blindsided. We apologize and make up, but the atmosphere is heavy with the anticipation of my doing or saying something "wrong" again."
What I understand from that, in EVERY VISIT, the mother expresses her opinion too much, then cries, the daughter gets angry. The mother seems to expect that apologizing will clear the atmosphere and start from scratch, but in my honest opinion, it does not work that way when it is a repeate offense. Plus, the mother contradicts herself, she knows that her attitude bothers her daughter but then says she never sees this coming.
"I don't know what I am to say so as not to cause this strong reaction. She tells me the problem is that I act like a "know it all." I just think we are having conversations with occasional differing opinions"
Here, the mother contradicts herself, once again. First, she says she does not know where the strong reaction comes from but then her daughter told her about the 'know it all' and how the mother thougth they were were having a conversation with different opinions. That conversation is not as harmless as the mother thinks, and by ignoring her daughter's feedback, the mother creates and instigates the conflict. Why not avoid the triggers? I am sure the mother sees her daughter start losing her patience, then why push the buttons till the daughter explodes?
Comment: #2
Posted by: Bonnie
Fri Nov 6, 2009 10:14 AM
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Correction:
What I understand from that, in EVERY VISIT, the mother expresses her opinion too much, the daughter gets angry, then the mother cries.
The mother crying is a clearly manipulate move on her part.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Bonnie
Fri Nov 6, 2009 10:21 AM
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LW1: Counseling together, PLEASE! Ask him if he'll go with you for just one session. Or you can find a good physician who is knowledgeable about both nutrition and eating disorders, and, preferably sports, and both go and ask him or her design your "programs" with a healthy diet and exercise regimen. The doctor can let your BF know in no uncertain terms that his habits are dangerous.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Carla
Fri Nov 6, 2009 10:33 AM
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I bet mother and daughter would both benefit from reading "You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation," by sociolinguist Deborah Tannen.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Van Wickle
Fri Nov 6, 2009 5:38 PM
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I have known a few children of family and friends who blew up at the slightest things their parents said. These children have mental problems. If this woman gets along with the other daughters (and she SHOULD ask them their opion on all of this) then it IS the daughter. Either way, it would be helpful to get some couseling with or without the daughter. If that daughter won't go, ask one of the other daughters to go, for clarification. Either way, I would let the visits go for a awhile, until I understood what was really going on.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Katie
Sun Nov 8, 2009 4:55 AM
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To Blue: I recently read several of Portia De Rossi's comments about her own struggle with anorexia, and one of the things she said really stuck with me. She said that the only comment that could have gotten through to her was if someone were to tell her that it was obvious that she was out of control, and looked sick. I think she explained that those comments would really push the buttons of someone with the control issues that anorexics struggle with. Best of luck, I can only imagine how difficult this is for both of you.
Comment: #7
Posted by: deb
Tue Nov 30, 2010 10:39 AM
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