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Responding to Poor Judgment
Dear Margo: This past year has been amazing for me. I successfully passed my first semester in college with a 4.0 while juggling friends and a job. I have a very goal-oriented boyfriend who is compassionate to boot! We have a lot in common and …Read more.
If It's Something Dire, You Will Know About It
Dear Margo: My husband is an only child in his late 30s. My father-in-law is terribly selfish. We live several states away, and because he's the only blood relative left, my spouse does his best to keep in touch with his father. It is rarely …Read more.
What's Up with That?
Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more.
Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind
Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more.
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Another Monster-in-Law
Dear Margo: I am currently engaged to a man I love everything about (well, most everything). However, his mother, who I refer to as "monster-in-law," tries to control everything. My fiance and I have a baby together, and his mother stepped in, even before the baby was born, to tell me what I had to do. For instance, she told me I was not to potty-train my child until she was 3 because she would not be ready until then. She is constantly trying to control everything, including the job my fiance has!
This is not OK with me. We have our own life with our own home, and I would like to live it that way. I've tried talking to her about invading our privacy, but forget that. She even resorted to calling our daughter a "mistake," saying she was born out of sin because we were not married. We were both hurt by this. My guy has tried to talk to her, but then she won't talk to us for weeks. She brags about her other grandchildren but not our daughter because she is ashamed that we weren't married. I want our daughter to know her grandparents, but she doesn't need to feel less loved. Suggestions? — Not Getting Through
Dear Not: Good grief, pardon the oxymoron. What a battleaxe you wound up with, and a Bible-toting one at that. The only bright spot in your letter was that when her son brought up her attitude and her meddling, the result was that she wouldn't talk to you for weeks.
For one thing, the potty-training age she has set is late, by some people's lights, and the sin thing is way off the mark. If you cannot get her to tone down her opinions and judgmental pronouncements, I would keep mentioning your privacy and enjoying weeks and weeks at a time with no communication. A granny who thinks the kid is a bastard is so 18th century. — Margo, reinforcingly
When a Bargain Should Be Broken
Dear Margo: I've been married for almost seven years. When we married, I was 25, and the deal was that we'd wait until I was 30 to have kids. I honestly thought I'd get used to the idea of settling down and having a kid (or two). I'm now almost 33 and know that I don't want kids.
I just don't think I was meant to have any, and I like my life the way it is now. I feel horribly guilty, not only because I agreed to have them when we got married, but also because my husband is a great person who doesn't deserve to be hurt. I'm having a hard time thinking straight these days, because on some days, I feel like I need to confess and then give him the option of getting out of the marriage. On other days, I feel like I should just go ahead and have a kid and hope and pray that everything turns out OK. He says he thinks about having kids every single day. Ironically, this issue is exactly what led to the dissolution of both of my parents' first marriages. I haven't been able to talk about this with anybody, and it's tearing me up. — Jennifer
Dear Jen: Interesting that family history is repeating itself. I would never encourage anyone to go ahead and have a child from a sense of obligation. It wouldn't work out for you or the offspring. Parenting is tough enough without feeling you were lassoed into it. I would level with your husband. My hunch is that if he thinks about being a dad "every single day," the two of you will agree to part. — Margo, rationally
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1: Good Lord! The less you see of this woman the better! I would suggest seeing this woman at minimum if at all. It's better for you child's sake that you keep her at a distance. No need to see toxic relatives
LW2: Try marriage counseling. If that doesn't work and you truly don't see yourself being a mother than it is best to go separate ways.
Comment: #1
Posted by: guyverfanboy
Fri Aug 27, 2010 9:42 PM
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LW1: Can you imagine when your child is older and the cousins sweet term of endearments from Granny are, Sweetie, Honey, Sugar Pie, and your childs is Bastard! HelloI Granny is toxic. And I take offense to Margo blaming part of this on Bible toting. I am a Bible toter myself and would never label a child as anything but a blessing.
LW2: After reading Margo's answer to this one I couldn't help but hear the Tina Turner Classic " What's Love Got to with it" Sound off in my mind. If this woman really loves this man, they should compromise. They could switch roles, Though she will have to do the gestating and delivery after that, hand Jr. off to Daddy and let him be the parent that tends to the child 24/7 and She can be the parent that is more hands off. There are many options, before dissolution of the marriage. If she loves him its worth working out the details and compromising. also when she's old and gray, and the job is gone, the friends are dropping like flies and the family line is thinning out, she will be happy to have a child or two!
Comment: #2
Posted by: MickeyG
Fri Aug 27, 2010 11:02 PM
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Dear Not getting through, you must go to the website motherinlawfromhell and see how commonyour problem is. The advice is usually to let your husbnd handle it and as you can see, it works every time. Enjoy the solitude and let your child know her grandparents, a little at a time. If your child can't warm the heart of that old woman, find foster grandparents.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Marie
Sat Aug 28, 2010 4:11 AM
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Margo's advice to LW2 is right on the money. Children always know when they're not wanted, and that knowledge can do incredible (not to mention possibly permanent) damage to them. They deserve two parents who love and want them. This is NOT something that can be compromised over. If LW2 doesn't want children, she should not have them - not just for her own sake, but for theirs. If she has children she doesn't want to keep her husband, it will lead to grief. The unselfish thing to do, for the sake of the unborn children, is to level with her husband and, if he cannot reconcile himself to life without children, they should separate so that both of them can find someone more like-minded.
I'm speaking from personal experience: my mother never wanted children. She never said so, but we always knew.
Comment: #4
Posted by: cead
Sat Aug 28, 2010 4:21 AM
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I also did not want children but my husband did. Wanting and taking care of are two different things! After they came the roles reversed. I have two - the best "mistakes" I've ever made. I can not imagine what life would be like without them. That said I'm sure my life would have been just fine because you can't miss what you don't have. I am not advocating that people have children. From what I have witnessed the vast majority would be better off without them. Half of my friends do not have kids and they seem perfectly happy and are still together. My children had nothing to do with my divorce but It would be interesting to do a study on the divorce rate on childless v/s children homes. Children do change the dynamics of a household - that is certainly a fact. No advice just some thoughts.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Penny
Sat Aug 28, 2010 6:21 AM
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LW1's mother-in-law sounds like a real witch with a capital "B"! What needs to happen here is that the LW's husband needs to sit his mother down for a long overdue conversation about adulthood, independence, the meaning of marriage and boundaries. Apparently the woman is that clueless! The husband needs to make it crystal clear to his mother that it's time for her to back off and keep her opinions to herself. If she takes it badly and cuts the couple out of her life, so be it. Anything is preferable to her constant meddling and toxic influence.
LW2 has reached a conclusion that has serious ramifications with regards to her marriage. If her husband married her with the understanding that they'd have kids eventually and she reneges, then it could spell the end of her relationship. LW2's husband has a right to be with a partner who shares his dreams, goals, and values. If that includes children, then LW2 owes it to her husband to be open and honest about her decision to not bear children and let the chips fall where they may.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Chris
Sat Aug 28, 2010 7:01 AM
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From the time I was about 7 years old, I, too, "knew" that I never wanted children. My husband said he would be happy either way, so we never had any. However, a couple times when I thought I might be pregnant and it turned out to be a false alarm, I was actually disappointed. And for the last few years, we've been sorry that we never had any, but now it is too late (I'm 49).
Please get counseling before you go your separate ways. If your husband wants children that badly, discuss whether or not he is TRUELY ready to take on a large part of their care (as all fathers should, anyway)
Comment: #7
Posted by: C Meier
Sat Aug 28, 2010 9:11 AM
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Re: MickeyG -- your response to LW2 who doesn't want a baby, to have one anyway and let the dad do all the loving and caring for it, is NUTS.
That is even MORE toxic than LW1's domineering, judgmental mom-in-law. Can you picture a child sensing that Mommy doesn't really love him/her and having to grow up that way? That's horrible even to contemplate. If they divorced after all later on, I can just hear her saying "You take sole custody coz I don't want any."
RIght on Margo, for your response to LW1 -- having that MIL cut you off and go without contact for weeks or even months wouldn't be a problem at all. Regarding how she brags on her other grandchildren, however, that would make no difference to their child as long as nobody tells it to her face. Someone needs to tell that MIL that her judging is as big a sin as people having sex out of wedlock, if she's going to play mean Christian, coz God says judgment is mine. I'd sit down with hubby and write a letter to her explaining the facts -- this is our life, and if you want to be part of it, be pleasant to be around or don't come around.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Bonnie Simpson
Sat Aug 28, 2010 10:44 AM
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Sure Jen should have a baby to please her husband and dump it off on him, except that in twenty years the child would be probably be writing to Future Annie that he or she loves daddy, who did the best he could with no help, but wants nothing to do with the bitter, absent mother that walked out on them and wants to make amends now that the child is an adult requiring no love, care, or real investment. While I agree that she could grow to be a wonderful, loving mother, the odds aren't good if she's thought about it for five years and doesn't even feel ambiguous about it, and the child deserves better than that. They should go to counseling and decide honestly if either of them can budge, and if not, they should do themselves a favor and separate as amicably as possible. We see these moms who drive their kids into the lake or drown them in the tub and say they never should have had kids if they didn't want them, so who are we to get down on a woman who decides that if she doesn't want to be a mom, she shouldn't get pregnant? Makes perfect sense to me.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Nichole
Sat Aug 28, 2010 12:00 PM
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I am a grandparent myself (to 7 ranging in age from 18 to 2) and of course I sometimes disagree with my son's and daughter's decisions re child rearing. I also know my place. I don't offer advice unless it is sought, and when it is sought, I always couch it in terms of what I would do if I were in their situation. That way I can always say, "Well, if I were dealing with this, I'd do it this way, buy you are not me so I cannot really tell you how to handle it. Whatever you choose to do, I will support you in your decision". Believe me, kids who gave me a hard time when they were young now actively seek my advice quite often, and sometimes, they even follow it.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Jobe
Thu Sep 2, 2010 1:16 PM
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I am going to play Devil's Advocate for a moment. Maybe LW1 is a little bridezilla wanna-be who misinterprets everything her guy's mother says and does. We've all swapped stories about what it's going to be like to be a parent, and what pregnant woman hasn't had to endure at least one horror story of labor or potty training gone wrong?
LW1 has "tried to talk" to her future MIL ... yet my mind hears someone throwing out some ultimatums and then yelling at the boyfriend to do something about his mother.
Grandma "brags" about the other grandchildren, but not the Junior Princess? In what context? Grandma doesn't swoon in front of mommy and tell her what a sweet baby she's borne? Perhaps, if she's sitting at a family dinner and hears nothing except praise for the cousins, but what if there's no one around except the MIL and the LW?
Gu grows a pair and finally stands up to MIL and she doesn't speak to them for weeks? Maybe the MIL has turned her attentions to someone who appreciates her and it's actually the LW begging her to come back, just so she can abuse her some more.
Impossible, you say? I've seen it with my own eyes and ears. I have a co-worker who plays the victim at every opportunity, but you should hear the way she hisses at everyone in her family over the phone.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Sharon
Tue Sep 7, 2010 10:55 PM
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