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Be Well
This will be my last column as Dear Margo. I have been giving advice for 15 years — first as Dear Prudence and then under my own name. I have been writing for newspapers for 45 years. The time feels right to retire from deadline journalism. I …Read more.
When Things Don't Look Quite Right
Dear Margo: I'm 60, and my boyfriend is a few years younger. He recently moved in with me. His job requires him to meet with people after their workday. I know he really is doing this on some nights, because I have seen people enter his workplace. …Read more.
Play It as It Lays
Dear Margo: My boyfriend (of more than three and a half years) and I are at a crossroads in our lives. We're both in a master's program, and up until now we've been very serious and committed to our relationship. However, last week he brought up …Read more.
Unwarranted Guilt
Dear Margo: I am married with two almost-teenagers. We aren't rich, but we're comfortable. I have a cousin who has two children. One is near my children's age. This one has spent summers with us for years, and we have taken him on almost every …Read more.
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Almost Unbelievable
Dear Margo: I need some insight on the debate between selfishness and being focused. I am a recent empty nester who dedicated the past 25 years to family: an ex-husband, three children, an ailing parent and now my fiance. This physically and economically drained me, as I also was working as a full-time professional, just not in an area that allowed for huge savings or moving into higher pay ranges.
My fiance is a multimillionaire and prides himself on having been "focused" on his business, which came at the expense of his former wives and children. Recently, I asked him for some assistance in the amount of $145 — the second time in five years I have asked for anything. The first time was $1,400 for an air conditioner last summer, the hottest summer in history. I had to sign an IOU and give him a lien against my house, and he followed up with a lecture about how I should have been more focused on myself and not my family. He also said that I should stop paying into my 401(k), because I need the money now. I did not take that suggestion.
My family has never lived extravagantly. My children's cars are as old as the children. Why is it that there's a perception that men are focused when they step on others for profit and women are selfish when they ask for assistance in times of need? — Selfless
Dear Self: First, I must tell you that I have serious doubts that your fiance is even solvent, let alone a multimillionaire. If he really is rich, he is the stingiest, skinflintiest SOB I have ever heard of. And this is your intended, no less, demanding an IOU and a lien? Gotta tell you, this all sounds odd. Also, your mention of a lien makes me wonder if this letter is not concocted (or you are using the wrong word), because a lien can only be gotten through a court order to attach someone's assets when they are in default on a payment owed.
Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I will assume your letter is legit for the purpose of answering your question. If you are not lying to me, I'm pretty sure he is lying to you. I think your question about focus pales next to this terrible man, whom I hope you ditch pronto (assuming this is a real situation). Taking all of this at face value, however, I will quote my colleague, "Miss Conduct," who would say you are like Scarlett O'Hara, desperately making dresses out of the curtains while this dreadful man is ragging on you and demanding an IOU. We can philosophize about focus some other time. — Margo, disgustedly
On the Question of Tipping
Dear Margo: I am a working professional who often stops at local restaurants on the way home from work to get a carryout dinner. I consider myself a generous tipper when I dine in a restaurant or when I have food delivered to my house, but I have never tipped for a carryout order. Recently, a friend told me she always tips at least 10 percent when getting carryout food. Is this considered customary? And if so, what is the correct percentage to tip? Have I been wrong all these years? — Jen
Dear Jen: I wouldn't say you've been wrong, because many people don't tip when they pick up something to go. The waitstaff at this kind of place unfortunately often gets the short end of the stick because there is only one interaction between them and the customer. My own rule is that if all the person does is ring up something already prepared and grabbed from a case, no tip is required. If, however, they make something for you to take, a tip would be in order — and 10 percent sounds right for this. — Margo, thoughtfully
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2013 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM 
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12 Comments | Post Comment
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Re Tipping for Carry-out: I always tip for carry out, 10%. I understand that the person who prepares my food for carry out has put effort into packaging and making sure I get all the condiments, etc. that go with my food and that it's bagged to travel. To me, it's effort that almost is never rewarded because most people don't tip for carry-out. This despite the fact that in some cases it's more work than just taking plates to a table and often the person doing it must take time away from table service that might have resulted in a 20% tip. So I tip 10% for carry-out. I only take carry-out from restaurants I really enjoy where I eat in and carry out on a regular basis. I want the restaurant employees to see me coming and have that motivation to get it right. Because I tip, they tend to be generous with whatever it is I want and more motivated to make sure my order is correct. They always appreciate it. I think it's the right thing to do.
Comment: #1
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Fri Mar 29, 2013 2:21 AM
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LW1: They say that the late J.Paul Getty was notoriously stingy. He married five times. Maybe LW1's fiance is from that family. Margo makes an interesting point about the lien. If you own a home, you can get a home equity line of credit. If you have been as frugal as you claim, you can also get credit cards to charge what you need and can't afford right now. Why would you borrow money from this cheapskate? Better question: Why would you even consider marrying this cheapskate?
Comment: #2
Posted by: PuaHone
Fri Mar 29, 2013 2:47 AM
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I really don't get why someone would write in a fake letter - is seeing it published online for 10 seconds really that thrilling?
Anyway, I think a lot of rich people are stingy. Many of them don't tip waiters or pay their household staff properly. I can't believe she agreed to marry this man. Writer sounds like one of the dumbest people ever - so maybe the letter IS fake - who knows. Maybe the guy is not a millionaire, and just wants to get HER money. Signing over the house for $1400, AND she went ahead and did that? Where do I begin?
Stop asking this man for money by virtue of leaving this man. now. Clearly some people don't understand what marriage is about. You support each other in health, sickness, and in times of financial trouble. It's no longer YOUR money and MY money, but OUR money. It's OUR future - you should be working toward a common goal. If that's not the case, it's time to leave before you find yourself totally dependent on this guy, and then he leaves you penniless after a divorce. He sounds fake - I bet he doesn't really have money.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Salty
Fri Mar 29, 2013 5:03 AM
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LW1--Your fiance seems like an incredibly selfish and controlling prick. I don't care if he's a gazillionaire, DTMFA!
LW2--You generally don't need to tip for carryout unless you're one of those irritating people who is a huge pain in the ass and asks to hold this, or add extra that or put something on the side. Or, if you order a large complicated order that takes the restaurant worker ten minutes to jot down and another thirty to assemble. In those cases, a generous tip would be greatly appreciated. Use common sense however. If you order a standard item without alterations then you may simply pay for the meal and be on your way guild free.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Chris
Fri Mar 29, 2013 5:42 AM
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LW1.1 "Dear Margo, I am a divorced man who is financially self sufficient because I worked hard all my life and saved my money. I am engaged to a divorced empty nester who can not seem to manage her own money. She can't afford home repairs and asks me to "lend" her money. I asked her to sign a note promising to repay it, and she hit the ceiling. It was over $1000; if she truly planned to repay me, why would she mind writing it down? Now she is asking for more money. When I talk to her about money & saving, she always has an excuse about how she "can't" - she has to take care of her kids, it's not fair that her job doesn't pay enough, etc etc. She has a 401K but not an everyday emergency fund or money set aside to pay big ticket repairs, the kind that come up when you own a house. Even though we don't live together, she wants me to pay for home repair and upgrades."
I may be the only one, but I don't see why her "fiancee" should give her large sums of money to fix up a house he doesn't even live in or why she should ask to "borrow" money & then object to signing a note promising to pay it back. He might know something about her finances & habits towards repaying debts that the LW didn't share.
Comment: #5
Posted by: kai archie
Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:24 AM
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Kai archie: awesome!
Comment: #6
Posted by: Gerhardt
Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:28 AM
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Hey, I thought we all agreed that men were to blame for everything?!? Excellent alternative point of view kai archie
Comment: #7
Posted by: Chris
Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:46 AM
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Meh. I'm sorry, kai archie, but I still am not on board -- if we were talking about just dating, I'd see the point, but they are engaged. They are talking about building a life together.
And $1400 is peanuts to a "multi-millionaire".
So it doesn't add up, and this guy is treating her more like she's a customer at his bank rather than the love of his life that he wants to commit to.
I think there's no real justification for him to have this attitude towards his intended, and I find it repellent, actually. He obviously cares for his money more than he does her, and that's really all she needs to know to DTMFA.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Mar 29, 2013 7:01 AM
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LW1 -
"Why is it that there's a perception that men are focused when they step on others for profit and women are selfish when they ask for assistance in times of need?"
Because there is still a perception that women are extensions of someone else, and don't have needs of their own.
Your "fiance" may be rich in his bank account, but not in his heart. To serve you with a sermonette and give you bad financial advice over 145$, he's flippin' CHEAP. And a lien on your house over a lousy 1400$? I can find ways to understand the IOU even though you're supposed to be planning a future together, but a lien on your house is way, WAY over the top - shylock behaviour.
You admit that his wonderful focus "came at the expense of his former wives and children" (plural). It sure looks like leopards don't change their spots, and that the next one whose expense it will be at is you.
This man doesn't owe you to support you of course, regardless of his wealth. But if he cared at all, he would WANT to at least make your life easier, instead of piling on added pressure. He certainly could afford to, and it's not like you're the spendthrift of the year.
And telling you to stop paying into your 401(K)? For someone who is supposed to be so business-savvy that he's allegedly a self-made multi-millionnaire, this is remarkably bad advice. Either he doesn't give a damn whether you end up in the street in your old age, or he's not as rich as you think and doesn't know shit about financial wisdom - possibly both.
And you've been with him five years already, and no sign of a ring on your finger? How long does he intend to remain your fiance? Methinks forever. God forbid you should acquire inheritance rights or a stab at alimony, should you become one of his exes, heh? (Providing there really is money to get at)
Frankly, you should SERIOUSLY reconsider your relationship with this man, as in, DTMFA. What Margo said. I would suggest you conduct a little bit of sleuth work and investigate him. What you'll find may surprise you. Lots of con artists out there. And lots of idiots too, if you were stupid enough to sign your house over a 1400$ debt.
That is, IF this is for real...I gave it the benefit of the doubt and treated it like it's real because there are no bounds to human stupidity ann we've seen real letters that were worse, but April 1st IS just around the corner. This may be some troll's idea of a practical joke.
P.S.: "If he really is rich, he is the stingiest, skinflintiest SOB I have ever heard of."
Margo, he would hardly be the first one... ;-D
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@Kai Archie
To add to what Mike said: also:
a) She is not asking for a gift;
b) Considering she is hardly a spendthrift to deserve it, the little sermonette was uncalled for;
c) Especially since it came assorted with bad financial advice.
So I'm sorry to say, but your reverse version came a few tweaks to make it fit.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:04 AM
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Re: Salty
"Anyway, I think a lot of rich people are stingy."
I don't know any multi-millionnaires, but the few wealthy people I've seen only spend where THEY want and are uber-tightwads about everything else.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:10 AM
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" a lien can only be gotten through a court order to attach someone's assets when they are in default on a payment owed."
--wow. She says this with such authority, but it's not true. A lien is a security interest a property owner grants to a third party to secure payment on a debt. There are court-ordered liens, but there are also non-court-ordered liens. Every contractor ever would be shocked to learn, from Margo, that their construction liens are not valid.
An IOU (or, more likely, a promissory note) seems excessive over $1,400 to your fiance, but I would not a couple of things:
(1) If her fiance is, say, in his 50s or 60s, $2 million isn't a huge amount to have saved, especially if he's a professional and is used to living that sort of lifestyle and lives in a high cost-of-living location. So, it's not clear that this guy is as much of a penny-pincher as Margo suggests -- he's just trying to figure out if he'll ever be able to retire. Sure, if he's got $20 million that's a different situation, but we don't know how multi his millions are.
(2) Personally, I think that any time you are loaning anybody an amount of money that it's important to you to get paid back, you should absolutely have a promissory note setting forth the conditions of repayment. If your friend or loved one to whom you're loaning money is not willing to do that, it tells you a lot of what they think about you--you're a bank, not a friend/loved one. If they really care about you and protecting you, they will have no problem signing a promissory note -- in fact, they will offer to do that when asking to borrow money. That said, if it's an amount you're okay to lose, you don't do it. But $1,400 is probably not an insignificant amount of money to this millionaire.
(3) This letter confirms to me that you should never, ever take financial or legal advice from a relationship advice columnist.
Comment: #11
Posted by: myname
Fri Mar 29, 2013 10:38 AM
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LW1: The fictional Ebenezer Scrooge notwithstanding, character traits such as stinginess do not change. Hardly ever. Don't expect this guy to become less cheap. Even taking kai archie's viewpoint into account, your "fiance" has shown that he does not treat you lovingly -- his disdain of your financial history is communicated with censorious and belittling scorn. He has entitled attitudes of arrogance and inhumanity ("I got mine, you shoulda got yours"). No wonder the "former wives" left him. You in turn express disdain for his heartless business methods. Why would you want him? There are kind ways to do everything.
My next point is about the "multimillionaire" description. What do you mean by that? Has he liquid wealth over $2 million? Or does he have investments that would be worth that if liquidated? Are his assets tied up in future alimony and child support/tuition? He may not have much discretionary money, and may be exaggerating his wealth, as many players do.
If you unload this guy, I bet you'll feel immense relief, then tough out the predictable period of loneliness,
and look for a better man. Or be alone, whatever suits you.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Claude
Fri Mar 29, 2013 1:02 PM
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