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When Love Throws a Wrench Into Friendship

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Dear Annie: My husband, "Rick," had been close friends with "Edward" for 30 years. We used to get together frequently, and Edward was always kind and considerate and someone we highly respected. Then, Edward got engaged to "Michelle."

I was pregnant at the time, and my doctor put me on bed rest because I had already been hospitalized once. I could not travel out of state for any of the festivities. However, Rick was gone nearly every weekend attending the engagement party, bachelor party and wedding. He said Edward was not acting like himself during these visits, saying he was uncharacteristically inconsiderate and strange.

Two months later, I gave birth to a girl, and we invited Edward and Michelle to the baptism. Edward called to say they would not be attending because Michelle was hurt that I didn't come to the wedding. She said my absence meant I did not support their marriage, and they needed time to "heal" from this insult. Michelle also was offended that Rick's wedding speech did not make enough mention of her.

Rick and I were livid. Not only did my doctor forbid me from traveling to the wedding, but Rick spent a long time composing a thoughtful, funny and heartfelt speech and even delivered some of it in Michelle's native language. Rick angrily confronted Edward and disinvited them to the baptism. Edward then claimed it was a miscommunication. When Edward and Michelle announced that they were pregnant, we sent a thoughtful baby gift, which Edward and Michelle did not acknowledge.

Rick is determined to rebuild the friendship. He calls Edward at least once a month, but the calls are often unanswered and unreturned. It's been a year since "the phone call," and I'm still furious, but Rick is grieving. Edward does not deserve my husband's loyalty and forgiveness, but for Rick's sake, I want them to reconcile.

What can I do? — Scorned and Angry

Dear Scorned: We are so sorry that Edward's marriage has thrown a wrench into his relationship with Rick, but these things happen. The only one who can fix it is Edward. Be supportive of Rick by sympathizing without being negative about Edward or Michelle. Encourage new friendships by introducing yourselves to other couples with young children. The best thing you can do for your husband is to help him move forward one day at a time.

Dear Annie: I am a skilled professional and have been unemployed for a year. I have applied for many positions via online postings that are often anonymous. After sending my resume and cover letter, I am frustrated that I never hear back. I have no idea whether they received my information or read it, and there is no way to follow up, as I have no idea who they are. I know they probably get a lot of applications, but a short courtesy note would be nice, even if it's "thanks but no thanks." — Oregon

Dear Oregon: We completely agree. Unfortunately, because these sites do not have a contact person, no one feels a personal obligation to respond. Even an automated response saying your resume was received would be a step in the right direction.

Dear Annie: "Sibling Support" said her mother is always asking for money for the younger siblings, but spends it on herself. The next time she has occasion to talk to her mother, she should open the conversation by saying, "Mom, I'm a little short this week. Could you possibly lend me a few dollars?" I guarantee this will nip those requests for help in the bud without having to refuse her outright. "Sibling Support" can then buy treats for the younger siblings directly, leaving Mom out of the loop. — St. Maarten, Dutch Caribbean

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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Comments

35 Comments | Post Comment
LW1, I don't think Michelle wants Edward around his old friends, like you and Rick. She's keeping him away from you guys by claiming how hurt she was that you weren't at the wedding (instead of being happy that Rick was there). Rick noticed that Edward was acting strangely before the wedding--sometimes the groom gets a new personality, for better or for worse, from the fiancee. I think that's what happened here, and I don't think anything is going to change. I would send Edward and Michelle a card at Christmas, but that's all. Rick has made his position clear, and now he needs to drop it. No more phone calls, or dropping Edward a note. You can't force someone to have forgiveness in his heart. You can tell your honey that no one can say he didn't try, but not every problem between friends can be undone.
Comment: #1
Posted by: angoradeb
Mon Mar 12, 2012 9:18 PM
LW1 - There's no saving that friendship, sorry. Edward is letting Michelle decide whom he can be friends with, and you aren't approved. Get out there and make new friends.

LW2 - They got your resume, and they weren't interested, sorry. It would be nice if they would acknowledge all applicants but most companies no longer do. Many put a note that says "We appreciate all applications but will only respond to those that have been selected for an interview."

That's life, amigo.

LW3 - Good idea!
Comment: #2
Posted by: Zoe
Mon Mar 12, 2012 9:31 PM
LW1: Anyone too dumb to know that bedrest is NOT optional is too dumb to be a spouse, parent, or friend. Good riddance to those losers.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Baldrz
Mon Mar 12, 2012 9:48 PM
re: Oregon

First of all, Annies, you should not answer questions that you obviously know nothing about. Most online sites (Monster, Dice, etc) have an automated reply system that confirms that your resume has been submitted for X position with X company. If you are on unemployment, LW, (which I assume you are), you need to be tracking these resume submittals as part of the process of receiving unemployment benefits.

Secondly, when the online resume is recieved by the potential employer it goes through several processes. The first process it goes through is a key word search, done by computers. If the computer determines that the resume has enough matching key words to the job descriptions it is given to a human recruiter. That person is the first human gate that an online resume goes through. If the recruiter sees that a person has a work history/skill set that matches the job description, then they usually contact the candidate via email or by phone to ask additional questions. Many of these recruiters are now actually outsourced overseas and their jobs depend on them coming up with X amount of viable candidates a day, so they often blow through a few questions and then ask you to send your resume in Word format (because Monster at least gives the resume in a funky format to the recruiters). This front line contact, as mentioned is often outsourced and usually has nothing to do with the actual company you have applied with.

After the recruiters have decided you are a good candidate, they will present your resume to the hiring manager. In this job market, hiring managers are overloaded. Depending on how many recruiters/agencies they have working for them, they can receive up to 100 resumes A DAY for some positions. SO, that means they usually, rightly or wrongly, tend to gravitate towards the recruiters they have worked with in the past and the resumes that they submit, rather than looking at all 100 resumes. So it's a crap shoot from the job seeker's side here.
The hiring managers then narrow it down to interviews, etc.

Now, Annies, to my personal gripe with YOU. You write, "Unfortunately, because these sites do not have a contact person, no one feels a personal obligation to respond. " Annies? Do you even KNOW how the system works? If not, look above. Most companies would LOVE to have a person dedicated to being a "contact person". It has nothing to do at ALL with obligation. Do you want a company to post a person's name online and then have zillions of phone calls go to that person? The system exists for a REASON. Companies don't list a company contact FOR A REASON. The reason? The market is still so bad that recruiters are overwhelmed. The gates you have to get to get a job are there to narrow down the pool of candidates. It's up to the job seeker to figure out a way past those gates.

What the Annies should have said was, you need to relook at your resume, your keywords (add as many as you can), your method of searching (are you only depending on online submittals?). My advice is for the LW to contact their local unemployment office. In my area, the UE office provides FREE resume reviews and classes, free training in most MSFT office software, interview classes, even financial classes and training on how to use LinkedIn to help your job search. I went through an intensive program there years ago and still remain close to the manager of the local UE office and one thing she's said to me many times is that the help is there, but many people don't want to use it until they have to. Why don't you take advantage of what resources are there?.

Bottom line, if you are serious about your job search, you'll get a job even though it may take some time. But you have to work this system and instead of whining about it to the Annies and getting worthless advice, get busy and get a JOB!
Comment: #4
Posted by: nanchan
Mon Mar 12, 2012 9:53 PM
LW1-
Many times I have seen women who only had time for their female friends when there was no man in their life. Perhaps it's not only a girl thing...

Four things may be going on:
a) He only has time for his male friends when there is no woman in his bed and now he finally has one;
b) Michelle is intensely possessive and controlling, finds ways to keep him all to herself, and he's completely henpecked;
c) Michelle is a malignant narcissist and everything is always about her;
d) A combination of a), b) and/or c).

The Annies are right - the only one who can fix this is Edward, and it would seem that right from the outset, there were border skirmishes signaling the impedence of a war. For them to take issue with your absence when you were bedridden under doctor's orders is so much in bad faith that it's like they were looking for an excuse to pick a fight. That your husband should be grieving is normal - you don't trash a friendship of 30 years without a few cracks in your heart.

And the Annies are also right that there is little you can do. Find other friends to socialise with, support your husband in his sorrow without badmouthing them, encourage him not to completely lose contact if that is what he wants to do, leaving him free to handle this how he sees fit... and remind him that it's entirely possible he'll see his friend again after the divorce.

LW2-
Yeah, and don't you love it when they don't even bother to disclose the location of the place of work in their precious ad, so you know in advance not to waste your time and theirs applying for a job situated in a place where you can't get? It's all about THEIR needs, as if you had none of your own. Yrrrrch.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Mar 12, 2012 9:58 PM
Comment: #4
Posted by: nanchan
Nowhere did the LW state that she was using sites such as Monster. She just said she submitted them to online sites. You give lots of excuses for why employers are rude to job seekers.

“instead of whining about it to the Annie's and getting worthless advice, get busy and get a JOB!” You are basically calling the LW a deadbeat who doesn't want a job. You are totally clueless if you don't understand the employment situation in this country. I WANT to work, I AM getting busy TRYING to get a JOB but have not been successful. I have done EVERY SINGLE THING YOU LISTED and have still been unemployed for over a year. You seem to imply that, if your suggestions don't work, we are just lazy. I wish for you to have this experience. Then you will understand what they are talking about!

Comment: #5
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
“c) Michelle is a malignant narcissist and everything is always about her;” I believe this to be the case. It is an extension of being a Bridezilla and would explain why his friend's behavior has changed so much. I don't see why Rick needs to apologize to Edward at all. Edward and Michelle need to apologize for their rude behavior and I wouldn't send them ANYTHING until they do. Michelle is going to nurse this grudge for all she can get. She couldn't care less if you miscarried the baby in the middle of the reception. She would blame you for purposely ruining her wedding. Temper tantrums do not require groveling. I realize he is missing his friend but his friend is long gone as long as he is with this witch. I am sure they will hear from him after his divorce. If they don't get divorced, good riddance. Any relationship will be controlled by her and her need to be the center of attention at all times. You would be putting up with years of emotional abuse from them because you would always slight them in some way. Next time, she will claim she didn't like the tone in their voice or something non-existent, in order to be in control at all times. You will NEVER win with this woman!

Employers have no respect for job seekers and think they can treat them like trash.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Julie
Mon Mar 12, 2012 11:14 PM
Comment: #4
Posted by: nanchan
Nowhere did the LW state that she was using sites such as Monster. She just said she submitted them to online sites. You give lots of excuses for why employers are rude to job seekers.

“instead of whining about it to the Annie's and getting worthless advice, get busy and get a JOB!” You are basically calling the LW a deadbeat who doesn't want a job. You are totally clueless if you don't understand the employment situation in this country. I WANT to work, I AM getting busy TRYING to get a JOB but have not been successful. I have done EVERY SINGLE THING YOU LISTED and have still been unemployed for over a year. You seem to imply that, if your suggestions don't work, we are just lazy. I wish for you to have this experience. Then you will understand what they are talking about!

Comment: #5
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
“c) Michelle is a malignant narcissist and everything is always about her;” I believe this to be the case. It is an extension of being a Bridezilla and would explain why his friend's behavior has changed so much. I don't see why Rick needs to apologize to Edward at all. Edward and Michelle need to apologize for their rude behavior and I wouldn't send them ANYTHING until they do. Michelle is going to nurse this grudge for all she can get. She couldn't care less if you miscarried the baby in the middle of the reception. She would blame you for purposely ruining her wedding. Temper tantrums do not require groveling.

I realize Rick is missing his friend but his friend is long gone as long as he is with this witch. I am sure they will hear from him after his divorce. If they don't get divorced, good riddance. Any relationship will be controlled by her and her need to be the center of attention at all times. You would be putting up with years of emotional abuse from them because you would always slight them in some way. Next time, she will claim she didn't like the tone in their voice or something non-existent, in order to be in control at all times. You will NEVER win with this woman!

Re: LW2 - most employers treat job seekers as trash and assume that, if they are looking for a job, there must be something wrong with them. Especially if they are unemployed for any length of time. I didn't do anything to be put in this position. My company went out of business. That make me a second-class citizen or a deadbeat,as nanchan implies.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Julie
Mon Mar 12, 2012 11:18 PM
* * * * PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT * * * *

LW3 refers to the first letter on 3 February 2012.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Tue Mar 13, 2012 12:02 AM
LW2: I found LinkedIn to be very helpful when I was looking for a job. If you are not already on it, then join. List your former position in the job title section, then underneath it you can insert the length of employment. Do not put "currently seeking a position" or "publishing professional" or anything like that in the job title part. Recruiters use LinkedIn and search for specific words. Write a short, updated version of your last job, and maybe the job before that. Unlike your CV you don't need to include every job, maybe just the last two jobs. A good headshot helps. I really didn't like my former company or job and it took a solid year of interviewing to find another position. But thru LinkedIn, I was contacted directly by one of the hiring mgrs, there were no recruiters, no HR (until the end of the process), etc. And this also happened with other positions I did not get. I am contacted almost monthly now by companies directly or recruiters thru LinkedIn, even though I am no longer looking for a position. Good luck in your search and try not to get depressed. It is rough out there...but do try LinkedIn, it really helped!
Comment: #9
Posted by: Kitty O'Shea
Tue Mar 13, 2012 2:25 AM
LW1 - Anybody who is offended that a pregnant woman ordered on bedrest did not attend their wedding is one of the most entitled people I have ever heard of! Either that or she's just using that as an excuse to cut her husband's friends out of their lives. Or both. It's a shame when someone's personality changes for the worse as a result of their partner but, unfortunately, it happens.

The Annie's are right. Support Rick when he's upset about Edward but don't say nasty things about him and his nutty wife. In the meantime, start spending more time with other friends. Maybe if Rick sees he's has great friends other than Edward, he'll soon let him go.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Michelle
Tue Mar 13, 2012 2:48 AM
LW1--"She said my absence meant I did not support their marriage, and they needed time to "heal" from this insult." Don't waste another moment trying to repair this friendship. It's clear what's happened. 'Michelle' is a controlling black hole of attention who sucked 'Rick' into her gravitational pull from which there is no chance of escape. Trust me, she's been a busy bee, working surreptitiously in the background and planting just the right seeds in Rick's mind to estrange and isolate him one by one from his family and his friends. Once she possessed him totally and she became pregnant, she probably bit him after their final mating and sucked him dry. That's why your baby gift wasn't acknowledged. My condolences.

LW2--"I am a skilled professional and have been unemployed for a year." Yeah, just like literally hundreds of thousands of other unemployed people in this country. It's not enough that you simply send a resume and cover letter. Employers literally receive thousands of resumes; one looks just like all the others and after looking at a dozen or so, candidates are selected and the rest are ignored. My company recently posted an entry level lab technician position and within 24 hours we had received over 480 resumes! Instead of relying on anonymous on-line job applicant sites, my advice is to gussy yourself up and put yourself out there. Network with people in your field and make connections with those who have an "in" somewhere. Send hard copies of a UNIQUE resume and cover letter directly to employers. There's an old expression "It's who you know..." Live by that!
Comment: #11
Posted by: Chris
Tue Mar 13, 2012 3:42 AM
LW1: Honestly, it seems as if Michelle is just looking for excuses to control Rick and its likely that the friendship is over because *Michelle* wants it over. Your husband should be open if Rick ever contacts him, but he should stop pursuing Rick, because he's only going to prolong the pain. You two should try to make new couple friends.

LW2: There is a difference between small anonymous job application websites and big job aggregators like Monster. Unfortunately, some of the anonymous ones like LW2 complains about may not even be all that legit, but the job situation is still serious enough where they play on people's desperation. But nearly half of all employed people got their jobs through some sort of connection -- family, friends, former co-worker or boss -- so (like Kitty and Chris) I recommend working all of your connections and even LinkedIn, and just keep working them -- you'll probably have a better chance than wasting time on anonymous job websites.

Most companies that use online application systems that do have an auto-response, or they have an option to create a profile to log back in and update (if it's a larger organization). So if they don't have a contact or an auto-response, they're probably a little shady and I wouldn't put too much hope in them.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Mar 13, 2012 4:50 AM
Chris and Mike: Rick is LW's husband. Edward is Michelle's.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Kimiko
Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:07 AM
Re: Julie
I'm sorry you read my post this way. It was meant to educate the ANNiES about the realities of the online job search submittal process.

Wihle it is true that the LW did not mention Monster, it is the industry standard at this time. Also, ALL job boards do auto-reply submittal emails.

Nowhere did I call the LW a deadbeat. In fact, yes, I HAVE been through extended periods of unemployment and yes, I do understand the frustration from the job seekers side. But, I don't see the company not answering back each and every submittal with a letter as a negative. Would you rather get 30 declines a week? Now, there's some email happiness. And if you are looking for work as aggressively as I think you are, 30 submittals a week isn't out of scope.

I know you are frustrated, I have been there. I'm sorry you took it as some kind of personal attack. it was meant to help. I wish you luck in your search.

Comment: #14
Posted by: nanchan
Tue Mar 13, 2012 6:06 AM
LW - The Annies and others here have given you good advice. Michelle obviously has issues if she can't understand that you were on bed rest that is her problem. It is unfortunate that your husband has lost a friend of over 30 years because of this woman; but she is the friend's wife and he has chosen to place her first. Something I think we all can agree is important in a marriage. Based on the fact that you guys are the parents of young children indicates that this friendship started in childhood or the teen years. It is amazing that they had such a long friendship. You should remind your husband that it is a very good quality within him that he can stay in such enduring relationships. It is sad that it has ended but ultimately you, your husband, and your child are going to be better off without exposure to this toxic woman over the years. Encourage him to cherish the memories; but he can find other good friends in the future when he is ready.

LW2 - Nanchan and others have given you some good advice. I retired from the military and had to search for a job for the first time in over 20 years about 2 years ago. I was lucky enough to have a friend who runs an online resume writing business who helped me with my resume. She could not emphasize enough that having the right keywords would ensure my resume was seen by a maximum number of potential employers. I am still getting contacted by recruiters and headhunters who have found my resume which is now over two years out of date because of that advice. I know that you are unemployed and need to find work but it might be worth having a friend or former colleague review your resume; if not out right paying for a professional to see if there is something lacking in it. I can tell you my first paycheck more than made up for the $175 that I paid to have a professional look at mine.(Hey just cause she's a friend doesn't mean I didn't pay her for her business advice.)

Comment: #15
Posted by: Paula
Tue Mar 13, 2012 6:26 AM
LW2: That's wonderful advice, Kitty O'Shea! It's all about making professional connections. When I moved to a new city after law school, I asked our career services office for a list of graduates who had moved here. I spent a week calling and emailing people. One was willing to meet me for lunch and he provided another contact list, specific to the field I was interested. I called everyone on that list. Two weeks later, I was signing an employment contract. I don't believe the LW is lazy or not trying her hardest. But, let's be honest, her approach isn't the best. Thousands, literally thousands, of people apply for one job on those websites. They don't know her from Adam. She needs to get out there and meet people. That's the way to get a job.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Casey
Tue Mar 13, 2012 6:28 AM
My son got half his onsite interviews at companies where he had a friend who sent his resume to their recruiter. It's called networking.
Comment: #17
Posted by: nonegiven
Tue Mar 13, 2012 6:35 AM
@kimiko -- whooops! Well, reverse the names, my advice is the same, but thanks for the catch! :-)
Comment: #18
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Mar 13, 2012 7:32 AM
Re: Paula
You're right about even a current resume needing to be updated. Anyone who doesn't know anyone who can help professionally should contact their local unemployement bureau where they will find such services. And network, like Kitty O'Shea suggested. People often trust people that are referred by people they know more, even if they don't know the person themselves.




Comment: #19
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Mar 13, 2012 8:18 AM
Nanchan

Paula is not the only who read your post as belligerent vs. enthusiastic. Its not in the same characer as your other posts.

Comment: #20
Posted by: capiscan
Tue Mar 13, 2012 8:21 AM
@nonegiven, absolutely -- of the five companies I've worked for in my adult life, with three of them I got my "foot in the door" because of connections via family or friends. Network, network, network.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Mar 13, 2012 8:30 AM
LW3 - you are so right. Our in-laws quit asking us for money when we started complaining about our own finances. If you don't complain, or don't ask for money for yourself, they believe that you have lots of money to spare. Nip this in the bud.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Justine
Tue Mar 13, 2012 9:16 AM
LW1 - This friendship is over. I hope that Rick can let this go but as long as Edward is married to Michelle he will not be "allowed" to be Rick's boyfri....I mean…friend any longer. By the way when a couple announces that “they” are pregnant you should send two gifts; one for each baby since apparently they both little people growing in their uteri.



LW2 - Now that you've written to the Annies about it every company in the world will now be sending acknowledgements out to all applicants. I wish someone else had thought of that. You're having a bad day and getting frustrated I'm sure but once you get the sent/received notification after you submit it's out of your hands.


LW3 - That's a very good idea especially if saying "no" just doesn't work.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Rick
Tue Mar 13, 2012 9:33 AM
Edward's wife reminds me of my stepmother - she fabricates hurts that she can never forgive, and there is no way for you to seek redemption because you did nothing wrong. I'd bet that Edward's wife also goes on and on to her husband about how hurt she is, manipulating all the way. He has to live with her so he has decided to placate her rather than take a stand because he has already experienced the misery that comes from opposing her. It's a sad end to a friendship, but after a few overtures have been made it's usually best to respect a person's desire to terminate a friendship, regardless of the reasons.
@ Julie - I'm sorry for the frustration you are feeling. I know exactly how you feel having gone through that myself. It's a very depressing and difficult place to be in. I found that what it took to get out was nothing more than perseverence and keeping on sending in those resumes despite it seeming to be hopeless - which I have no doubt is what you are doing, just wanted to give some words of encouragement. You WILL get a job.
Can everyone stop jumping on Nanchan? I read her post as being annoyed, but even if she is being hostile she is not the only person on this board to be hostile, she just seems to be the one who gets jumped on these days.
Comment: #24
Posted by: kristen
Tue Mar 13, 2012 9:55 AM
It is very rare to receive a follow up from an online submission. You have to find a way to make this less personal even though it feels personal.
I am a skilled professional myself and have been through a very long period of unemployment myself (I have just been offered a position) let me suggest that the LW2 contact his/her state employment office. They have classes that teach about how to search and what to expect. Also, perhaps, in your area there are support groups that offer the same. I live in the Dallas-Fort Worth area and we have a number of all-volunteer groups that can help.
The job search process is SO different from even 5 years ago and you have to become more savvy about using online sites and using your network to find your opportunities.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Nancy
Tue Mar 13, 2012 10:42 AM
Kristen:

You asked "Can everyone stop jumping on Nanchan?" What is you definition of everyone? Only two of the posts before yours said anything about Nanchan's post sounding harsh towards the letter writer. Your post was #24. Eliminating one double post, that means two out twenty three posts were directed towards her. that is hardly "everyone."
Comment: #26
Posted by: AWC
Tue Mar 13, 2012 2:03 PM
Dear Annie: I am chagrined that you would allow your editors (and, if you write the headlines yourselves, more than chagrined) to use the words "girl" and "boy" for grownups. They are "women" and "men". Unless it's a "girls' nightout" or a "boys' fishing trip", this usage is disrespectful, misleading and stupid.

"Girl leaves key in dad's coffin"..he was 92-I'm thinking she's a grownup.
"Girl ends friendship over cheap gift" woman has problem with someone she has known since she and her husband moved to this woman's area 22 years ago--again a grownup.
"Girl should know about boy's past" Duke has a 9 year-old chid; the woman in question is a widow with 5 kids! how are they not grownups?
Please fix this.
Comment: #27
Posted by: CYN
Tue Mar 13, 2012 2:03 PM
To scorned and angry. Look up Narcissist. My soon-to-be ex-daughter-in-law is a narcissist. For 10 years it has been conflict, drama and emotional pain. She controlled and isolated my son from our family. My son is a strong willed, very confident man. He is very successful, financially secure at his job. When he was young he didn't like to be told what to do and always had a problem with the authority figure in his life. But he never got into trouble. His dad and I could not believe that she was able to control him like she was doing. I just wish I had educated myself about narcissist 10 years ago. We were always confused about her behavior and trying to figure her out was impossible. She found another victim and cheated on my son. She told my son that the only reason she has stayed with him the last 3 years was because of the money. (she can't hold on to a job). It's hard to see my son hurt and have to go through this but it will be a relief not to have to deal with her anymore. Thank you Jesus she was to selfish to have children. Finally we have our very funny, thoughtful and caring son back.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Chpmom
Tue Mar 13, 2012 2:10 PM
LW1: Your husband needs to accept his friend has changed for the worst and for a woman - the most pathetic excuse ever. Do not encourage your husband to pursue that idiot. Life isn't meant to be fair so tell your husband to grow up and stop acting like a baby.

LW2: In a bad economy with a high percentage unemployed there is no way a company can respond to every resume they receive. It's absolutely ridiculous that you expect that. No wonder you can't find a job. Maybe the Annies can hire you - they're stupid.

LW3: Brilliant but doesn't work on the shameless.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Diana
Tue Mar 13, 2012 9:23 PM
LW1
Edward took the first turn in this mutual upbraid, so really he should make the first move at reconciliation or at least acknowledge your husband's many attempts to remit his unkind RSVP. Tell him this is his preantepenultimate chance to be friends. That might make him sit up.
```
Comment: #30
Posted by: Word A Day Mate
Tue Mar 13, 2012 11:44 PM
@Kitty O'Shea - Great advice re LinkedIn. I have never utilized that tool to it's fullest, as the site was in it's fledgling state when I was hired for my current position, but it is a suggestion that I plan to keep in mind!

In addition to LinkedIn, I know people in Executive level positions who found themselves out of work. In each case they volunteered and listed the volunteer jobs on their resumes. I think this is brilliant. Volunteering offers a number of benefits for skilled job seekers. Volunteerings opens up networking opportunities, helps to avoid that dreaded employment gap between jobs on the resume, helps to keep skills current - I work in Information Systems where unused skills can become outdated and stagnant in as little as six months if you are not staying abreast of current trends and changes in industry standards. Volunteering can also serve as a resume builder.... enabling one to gather experience and exposure to technology, processes, and methodologies for which they had no previous exposure. This is also a win for cash-strapped non-profits many of whom would gladly accept such skilled services free of charge. Of course, man can't live by volunteering alone (unless he is already a rich man), but it can be rewarding in a lot of ways if considered in the interim between jobs.
Comment: #31
Posted by: sharnee
Wed Mar 14, 2012 12:26 PM
Re: Paula thank you for the vote of confidence.

I was busy yesterday, so sorry for the delay.

First of all, I have reservations about LinkedIn. I have been active on LinkedIN for about a year and what I don't like about it is that anyone of your contacts can contact with any of your other contacts and list you as a "friend". To me, that is an invasion of privacy for my business contacts, because I've had recruiters contact my friends and list me as a referral source (meaning they are making sales calls on my LinkedIn contacts) so I've had to de-activate my account. However, other people I know have had great success with it (usually recruiters) so it's worth keeping the presence up.

Second of all, ANY site that you submit your resume to..... BE CAREFUL!!!!! Think about this for a minute. Most people put their addresses on their resumes, their phone numbers. This is personal information. Submitting your resume on some kind of "anonymous" job posting is at the very least asking for a ton of spam to your email account, and at worse, setting yourself up for criminal activity. Many companies make money selling their job applicants information to marketing companies, so use an email address that you don't mind being spammed. NEVER list your home address. Even listing a phone number is suspect to some people, I still list mine (cell phone).

"sharnee"'s idea to volunteer is also good. When the recession of 2008 hit, several friends of mine and I formed a co-op of volunteers of sorts: we knew the market was tanked in our industry (high tech) and we had projects we wanted to do to. We started with one local school for artists that we knew of (several of the people in our team donated time there) and we spent a year working on an extremely ambitious and unique project together. I managed the team together with my partner. To say the project was emotional, problematic, difficult, is to say the least. But we had a great team of about 20 people, all of whom were working to help the school, and we got through it. The experience led to several job offers for myself and my partner in that co-op, and the comraderie we built through our team led to me starting my own business in 2010 and my partner to start his own business in 2011.

We work together still (I wont' do certain things without my partner), we were written up by a local paper, but most importantly, we saved an art school during a time when all federal funding for "extras" was basically cut. the team also helped me with fundraising events for my daughter's high school choir (she's now in college), we did two charity events for a local family in crisis: and we are all friends for life.

During the 2008-present time, I have remained close to my friend at UE and we are actively pursuing a bill for our state Congress to make volunteer work (more than 5 hours a week) count as a job contact on a UE weekly claim form. I also feel that this is something that the federal government has greatly overlooked in the past. With the federal programs basically cut to the bone, why not encourage unemployed people to work in charity rather than stopping some of these social programs altogether? I believe they do that in many countries and it's time to do that here. When I worked with my volunteer team, we found friendship and purpose in a time of unemployment, not self-pity. We also still work together to refer each other for new jobs. Just last week, I contacted the team for help and within minutes they had given me options.

My final word on this is.... it's never over. traditional employement (signing on for the rest of your life,, with a good pension) is almost as outdated as the dinosaur. Even when you GET a job, you should still keep your profiles open because if 2008 to present has taught us anything.... no job is guaranteed. Be smart, keep you skills updated, work in charity work to expand your skills beyond what is expected of you at work, update your resume at least once every year (or when you change jobs or get a promotion), keep your online presence updated..... because you never know when that axe is going to fall.
Comment: #32
Posted by: nanchan
Wed Mar 14, 2012 2:34 PM
@Nanchan
In LinkedIn, go into "Settings" and then you will see an option where you are the only one who can view your contacts. It automatically lets your contacts view your other contacts unless you change the options in settings.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Kitty O'Shea
Wed Mar 14, 2012 3:12 PM
@nanchan - sorry if I misread your intent.
Thanks to everyone for the support. I am just getting really concerned as the end of my unemployment nears.
Comment: #34
Posted by: Julie
Fri Mar 16, 2012 8:15 PM
Julie: believe me, I have been in your shoes and COMPLETELY understand the fear and desperation that you probably feel right now. I'd like to share a little more of my story.

In 2010, while I was developing my own business, my UE benefits ran out. I had no choice but to go on assistance at that point, which was MORTIFYING for me. Part of the requirements for me getting assistance was that I had to get into an intensive job search program. Normally, when you are on UE, at least in my state, you have to prove that you made 3 job contacts in one week. The program I was put on required my physical presense onsite at the UE offices 35 hours a week (some of that could be done at a library) and a MINIMUM of 5 resume submittals a DAY. In addition to the job search on steroids, I had to do this in a small room, with about 20 other people (I swear they all smoked... YIKES!) with no cell phone usage, headphones, nothing. Many of the people in that program were recently released from prison. Even getting to the printer to pick up a printout meant taking everything with you because wallets were known to go missing.

In that program, I had to undergo intensive scrutiny to my resume. Six professionals told me how much my resume sucked (I kid you not) and I went in with plenty of attitude and was like, screw you all, I'm going home. But I had no choice if I wanted to keep food on the table and a roof over my daughter and I's heads. So, I learned. I went to the classes they made me go to, even though I thought I knew more than they did (HA!). In some ways I did, and the staff at UE became good friends with me. My counselor in the program is the lady I mention above. The first time she met me, she opted me out of many of the classes and gradually, we became friends as well as going through the program. We still trade emails weekly andd when I see her and the other ladies there, we HUG. We are friends, we've been through the fire.

One of the things I do professionally is process improvement and the UE ladies (man, just thinking about them makes me smile) encouraged me to help them improve their processes. Some of the people in that program have become very close friends: I learned a lot about myself there.

Bottom line: three WEEKS after entering the program, I got a job. I had been doing everything I thought I should do, but it hadn't worked. What did work: those people fine tuning my resume, me going to UE everyday like it was a job which meant I interviewed better.... I took a job at significantly less money (almost half) of my prior salary, but I was working. My then new boss is now one of my closest friends and works for ME on my business, how sweet is THAT! Since my business still hasn't launched, we all work "day jobs".... and I recently accepted a position at my highest pay rate ever until my business goes live later this year.

I completely give the credit to the incredible ladies at UE who kicked my egotistical ass into taking my job search into warp speed. The Annie's dont do any job seekers any favors by encouraging people to look at hiring managers as rude by not answering each and every resume submittal.

PS: the market is starting to change back and you'll see a change on how people are treated by employers. two weeks ago I went on an interview at a telecommunications company and they treated me so badly I told the recruiter that not only did I not want the job, but that I would never use their cell phone plans. What employers have to learn to realize, is that a job search, even in a tight market, is the ultimate commercial for their product. treat the job searcher badly, they won't buy your product.

Again, I wish you the best in your search, peace in your soul and all the opportunities you desire!
Comment: #35
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Mar 17, 2012 11:10 AM
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