Recently
Jumping the Relationship Gun
Dear Annie: Last month, an old boyfriend contacted me. I hadn't seen "Bud" in 30 years. We had a wonderful conversation. I visited him at his home. He even sent me a large sum of money to help pay off a mortgage bill. We now talk at least …Read more.
Trusting Cheaters
Dear Annie: I'm in my early 20s and have been dating "Aidan" for a year. He attends college two hours away. He doesn't socialize much and stresses a lot about his grades. His only real friend is "Cara," a girl we went to high …Read more.
Bare Naked Mommies
Dear Annie: I am becoming excessively annoyed by a new trend I'm seeing with my friends who have recently become parents — the "naked mommy."
I'm 27 and have not yet had children. Several of my friends are having their second or …Read more.
The Long Trip to Tenuous
Dear Annie: My father and I have never had the best relationship. He was domineering, controlling and verbally abusive to me as a teenager, and as a result, I rebelled and did things specifically to irritate him. Several times, he kicked me out of …Read more.
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Madly in Love from a Distance
Dear Annie: A year ago, my girlfriend and I started dating, but this isn't what you would call a normal relationship. She and I live about 500 hundred miles apart, and only met in July on a trip to Florida.
We connected four years ago in an online chat room of a popular animated web series and sent messages back and forth. Then she found me on Facebook. A few months later, she called, and we texted back and forth and then graduated to instant messaging and then web cam chats. We fell in love, even though we knew the risks and difficulties of having a long-distance relationship.
Recently, I have been pondering the feasibility of our relationship. I don't want to break up. I want to spend more time with her. But I'm a 20-something with a modest-paying regular job and a part-time weekend job, and I also take classes at a local community college. I find it difficult to save enough money let alone find the time to visit her. Even if she relocated, she would be moving away from her friends and family. Is there any hope for us? — Madly in Love
Dear Madly: Yes, but it requires some difficult choices. You are still young. You haven't spent much time together, and being with someone in close proximity day after day can change how you feel. Every relationship is a leap of faith. Can she get a job in your area? Can you find one in hers? Would it be better to wait until you are finished with your education? Can you see each other more often if you meet somewhere in the middle? These are things you need to discuss, without pressure or resentment.
Dear Annie: I have a problem with my immediate supervisor. She constantly interrupts me. Last week, she came to my desk and inquired about a personal matter. I was halfway through my first sentence when she interrupted with another question. She went on to interrupt four times in a two-minute period.
I think this behavior is deliberate, and I find I don't wish to speak to her at all. I prefer to email work questions rather than ask in person. The problem is, she sometimes seeks me out to chat. How can I get her to stop interrupting without creating a breach that will make working with her more difficult than it already is? — Troubled in Tallahassee
Dear Troubled: If she is interrupting you on purpose, it's a power play. Since she is your supervisor, you should politely tolerate it and communicate via email whenever possible. But it could simply be that your supervisor is easily distracted and doesn't realize what she's doing. When she interrupts, simply smile and keep quiet until she is finished, and don't speak again unless she specifically asks you to "go on." If she has to do it often enough, it might sink in.
Dear Annie: "Worried Dad in Gary, Ind." feared for his daughter, who was in an abusive relationship. Two years ago, my daughter was murdered by her abusive husband at the young age of 26. They had been separated for six months, and two days before he killed her, she had asked for a divorce.
My daughter was in this abusive relationship for eight years. We begged her to go to the Domestic Violence Service Center, but she never did. She was over the age of 18, but in hindsight, I wish I had forcibly driven her to the center myself.
All women in abusive relationships need to get help ASAP before they are murdered. We need to have mandatory education in our high schools about abusive dating, as well as bullying. — Mournful Dad in Wilkes Barre, Penn.
Dear Dad: We send our heartfelt condolences and hope your letter will encourage others to get out of these abusive relationships before it's too late.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2011 CREATORS.COM
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32 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1--"Recently, I have been pondering the feasibility of our relationship." Just recently? What you're discovering is that texting, phoning, video-caming, tweeting, and other forms of cyber communication are not substitutes for real life interactions. FaceBook is no match for face to face! This is something too many people fail to realize today as they shamble through life, noses buried in a phone. You and your girlfriend are in your twenties, a time during which many young people sample the buffet table if you catch my meaning. Dating and socializing is an important process during which people learn important social skills as well as learn as much about themselves as the people they're dating. As long as you're with Virtual Girl, you're missing out on the key elements of socializing. The Annies are right in that if your relationship is to stand a chance, you'll have to get it off-line and be together in reality. If you or she can't or won't find a way to accomplish that, then maybe it's time move on for your own sakes. Good luck!
LW2--This reminds me of Fran Lebowitz's famous quote: “The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.” For some people, it's next to impossible to quell the impulse to interject, especially when they have a relatable story or a point they don't want to miss making. Perhaps that's why chronic interrupting is a trait shared by so many, including some of the nicest, most caring people. Conversely, there's the office narcissist who believes her needs are the most important and she wants them met instantly. I have to wonder if LW2's boss is the former type of interrupter, or the latter. I think the best approach is for the LW to have a private conversation with her boss. The LW, in as kindly a fashion as she can muster needs to say something along the lines of: "The good news is that you have a lot of energy, that you're willing to speak out, that you will tell me what's on your mind and you're not sneaky. The bad news is I can't ever get a word in edgewise." Then, in the future, employ a little subterfuge to override interruptions. You can say, ''I'd like to talk with you about that, but now is not a good time. Can we meet for coffee later today?'' or ''Let me call you later this morning. I've got a deadline right now'' or ''Let's get some coffee. I could use a brief break,'' talk briefly as you head to the break room, then say goodbye at the coffee pot.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Chris
Thu Dec 22, 2011 3:40 AM
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LW3 - please accept my condolences on the loss of your precious child. I know you wish you had done more for her; but let me assure you that even if you had forcibly (kidnapping if it angered her and her significant other enough to file charges with law enforcement) taken her to the Domestic Violence Center they would not have been able to help her unless she was willing to receive help. As soon as they asked her if she had a problem with the boyfriend she would have denied it and the shelter's hands would have been tied. You did the best that anyone can do in those situations which is tried to always be available to the person until they were willing to admit there was a problem. I think your idea of classes for recognizing the signs of an abuser is a great idea; but sadly I believe that a lot of schools just do not have the time, or resources to add it to their curricula. Many schools are already dropping traditional classes to focus on the courses that are the focus of mandatory testing.
LW2 - If this is your boss I don't advise you to do anything but what ignore the behavior as best you can. Unless you are a mind reader you don't know if it is a power play or not, you also don't know how your boss would react to "subtle" behavior modifications that could really anger your boss if they are not subtle enough. Really in this economy unless the boss is doing something illegal or asking you to do something illegal do you really want to risk getting fired? Or losing out on a raise and/or promotion?
LW1 - I agree with the Annies on this one. Have you looked into any or all of their suggestions? It really depends on how much you and your girlfriend want to invest in this relationship. My husband and I didn't live together for almost 3 years due to work commitments but we both wanted the relationship to last so we found a way to make things work.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Paula
Thu Dec 22, 2011 5:49 AM
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Your suggestions are good ones, Chris, when dealing with a coworker. But this is LW's supervisor, so most of them would not go over well.
I had a supervisor like that once, and nothing seemed to do any good. I stumbled on an answer one day when I was working on a new project, dealing directly with HER supervisor. She just couldn't stand seeing me talk to him and not being in the loop, so would bust into the middle of what I was saying every time. I stopped in the middle of a sentence, and when she finally took a breath, I jumped in with an apology..."I'm sorry. How rude of me to talk while you are interupting...again." with a big smile. She didn't get it, but he did, and had me close the door on my way out so they could have a little chat. Not like that was a magical cure, but she did improve somewhat.
I'm not suggesting that. It worked out fine for me, but could easily backfire. I think the advice to stay quiet until asked to continue is a good one. And occasionally toss in a "where was I...?" comment.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Shirley
Thu Dec 22, 2011 5:57 AM
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For LW3, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, but the fact that she was an adult limited your legal options to help. You did what you could but unfortunately it wasn't enough. Perhaps assisting the police to make sure he is tried, convicted and sentenced would help you, and don't forget to go to any parole hearings he might have. Perhaps you could get involved as a victm's advocate or work with your elected representatives to make make what happened to your daughter less likely to happen to someone else. And yes required education in school about dating, relationship abuse and bullying is a good idea although I believe it should start much earlier than high school. Relationship abuse is really a form of bullying if you think about it.
I know it would have been a violation of her rights under current laws but I wish there were a way to do something like an involuntary commitment for persons in an abusive relationship like there is for someone who acts in a way that is a danger to themselves or someone else. This can already be done for someone who is or appears to be mantally ill.
If someone is threatened, controlled and abused to the point where they have no self esteem, I have no idea how we expect them to make a choice to leave, get a restraining order or do anything else to protect themselves or their children (if they have them )without support.
I have heard that a woman is in the most danger of abuse when she is pregnant, has just left, is making plans the abuser knows about to leave, or has filed for divorce. In these situations friends and family should should step up and do all they can to support the abused person.
And let's not forget, men can be abused too. Don't laugh it off if a man says he is being abused.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Rose Queen
Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:14 AM
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LW1-
Glad someone is finding out that a virtual life doesn't replace a real one. In the meantime, there aren't ten ways about this - either you relocate or she does. And either way, one of you will be away from friends and family.
LW2-
You are not her therapist and her private life should not be intruding on work hours. What she is doing is counterproductive and unprofessional. However, since she is in a position to fire you, you may have to decide which one you prefer between being right and being out of a job. What the Annies suggested. And like Paula said, we don't know how she will react to behaviour modification techniques, and thus little subterfuges may backfire.
@Chris
What you suggested is not a bad idea, it's just that it won't work for everyone, there may be a dire price with the ones with whom it doesn't, and the LW has no way of predicting a success rate.
LW3-
"In hindsight, I wish I had forcibly driven her to the center myself."
Even if you had, it would have changed nothing unless SHE wanted to go, and you might have ended up with being charged with kidnapping. Of course "all women in abusive relationships need to get help ASAP before they are murdered" but the problem is, some of them don't want the help because they don't realise they need it. They're at the stage of making excuses for the parter's abusive behaviour and feel they want to save the relationship, they're so much in love the idea of separation is more than they bear to think about, and/or they can't believe they're in grave danger.
Getting to the point where you've had enough of being abused is a process. Unfortunately, some women never make it to that point because they get killed before. Please look into grief counselling. Your loss is staggering enough as it is, you have to learn how to handle a guilt you do not deserve, as there was nothing more you could have done.
Please accept my condolences for your loss.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:18 AM
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Woo, Shirley. That was ballsy :) Way to advocate for yourself!
As it's already been said, long distance is possible, but it's something that's much easier if you have an end goal, and are willing to make compromises. Having done long distance for awhile, I know you reach a point where the honeymoon phase wears off and you realize “We can't do this forever.” I feel like the LW is at that point. I wish him the best of luck, and whether it's he and his girlfriend figuring out a solution so they can be together, or them breaking up and him “sampling the buffet table” as Chris so eloquently put it (still laughing, btw), whatever happens will happen for a reason and it will all work out in the end. At least that's what I found with my own experience :)
Comment: #6
Posted by: Casey
Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:22 AM
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Re: Shirley
The reason it worked was because,
1. The supervisor witnessed her behaviour and was subjected to it as well.
2. He had enough wisdom to know who was wrong.
("I'm sorry. How rude of me to talk while you are interupting...again." hee hee! And she didn't get it - oooh boy.)
Comment: #7
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:31 AM
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Ahhhh--the boss. Is your conversation work related OR chatty social (outside of work issues)? When interrupted, go silent. Stay silent. If she asks why you are quiet, just say you are listening to what she is saying and will speak when she is done with her TRAIN OF THOUGHT.
To my advantage, I do ASL and sometimes it facinates and gets me in a conversation if I talk and ASL at the same time. THEY have to stop and concentrate on something THEY really don't want to. It is a visual distraction to those who hear.
If YOU STOP TALKING enough with JUST WAITING TILL YOU ARE DONE, you are being polite, and hopefully the light bulb comes on. Are you the only one she does this with? Bet not.
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THE GIRLFRIEND FOUND ON THE INTERNET. These seldom work, esp when it is maintained that far away.
You are young and trying to make your niche in the world by hard work and college. You can't have it all at this stage of the game. To be wise would drop the girlfriend relationship UNTIL you have matured and finished school, moved on to a more stable and permanent work position.
What you have in an infatuation of the distance relationship. If you give yourself a chance, you'd find someone who lives near you to be friends with. Romance does not have to happen, but friendship does.
Get off the internet, meet real people. All the things you list that made you fall in love--was not real time. Meaning someone sitting next to you at a movie, hand in hand walking in a park, meeting each others families, etc. This is REAL LIFE, what you have are strong feelings--gained through a monitor, keyboard, etc. You might be surprised that there are several people willing to have friendships with you right outside your own door.
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To the dad who has lived his worst nightmare. Hindsight---a wonderful and also most hated tool we have. When things work great with what we have learned in life we rejoice. But it is a difficult place to go to when tragedy has resulted. Your healing needs to include helping others avoid the same horrible outcome. Be vocal, be active and keep your daughter's spirit alive by being able to stop it from happening to someone else.
Stats are quoted, information given, and people don't connect as well as when the information comes from someone who has walked the walk, talked the talk.
I am sorry for your loss.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:45 AM
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LW1: I think you are young enough where -- if you really want this relationship to have a chance -- you should seriously consider moving. It's a *lot* easier to do at your age than in a few years when you might have a more permanent job, a mortgage, etc.
Talk to her about it. Investigate the job opportunities, living situation, and community colleges near her. See how much of your life you can transfer down there, continuing to work on your education, and also giving yourself the opportunity to be near her and give your relationship a real try.
If, after a semester or two, you find the relationship fizzles, you won't have lost much in the way of time to your degree, and you can finish there or move back home. But at least you'll know you'll have given it your best shot.
LW2: Any kind of criticism to a supervisor can be extremely risky -- especially one that the LW suspects is making a "power play" to begin with. Don't react, take the Annies advice, and if it is deliberate, the supervisor will probably get bored. If it's inadvertent, maybe it can change over time. And keep your eyes open for advancement opportunities so that you can move up or out and get a new supervisor, particularly if you find you just can't put up with the behavior any more.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Mike H
Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:52 AM
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LW3: I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter.
As a former vicitm of domestic violence, I'd like to give you my perspective on your letter.
While it is heartbreaking and frustrating to watch people we love and care about who are in abusive situations, the only person who can get the victim out of the situation is the victim. This can take years, and many times does not happen at all. Some posters here at creators have lived with abusers until those abusers DIE. Many women (still it's mostly women being abused, although there is a rising number of males reporting violence, see Dear Abby today for a letter on that) are socialized to stay with their abusers, men are the "stronger sex" after all and some women look at the abuse as a manifestation of that "strength". Add to that the fact that the abuser often isolates the victim (especially if the victim has an already rocky relationship with their birth family) and virtually brainwashes the victim to believe that they are worthless, victims are living in a hell in their heads as well as a physical hell.
Then, for some of us, comes that day when we realize we have to get out. I lost a few friends over the issue (and I was only really abused for about a year) because people mistakenly thought that them leaving the friendship would shock me into leaving. WRONG. What DID wake me up was the day my then baby daughter witnessed her father beating the crap out of me. He had thought she was asleep, but she crawled out of her bed and out of the corner of my eye, I saw her. Right then, I knew i had to get out. If I didn't love myself enough, I definately loved her ennugh. Since I was in a foreign country at the time, I had some planning to do, but three months later, with plenty of money to start over and a place back home to get to, I got on a plane and have never seen my abuser/husband since.
My point to you, is you could not have done anything for your daughter. Driving her to a shelter before she was ready to go would have put not only your daughter but other women and children at risk. Having her stay with you could have been disastrous: the first place an abuser will go is to close family and friends and sometimes THEY become abused.
I agree that education on abusive relationships needs to happen in schools, including basics on how to pull together an exit plan if you need to. In your daughter's case, it is likely the divorce was the trigger for her abuser and in my opinion that is why we need to educate the courts and lawyers about handling divorces in domestic violence situations. In my state, when you file for divorce, you check a box if domestic violence is involved. Immediately your divorce takes on a different path that a normal divorce does. You are not obliged to be in the courthouse at the same time as your abuser even for the final decree. They have extensive measures to protect the children in these divorces as well. But from what I've heard, my county and state are far above the national norm when handling domestic violence in divorce matters. We need to make this a federal iniative.
Again, I am sorry for your loss. When you are ready, you may want to look into actually doing some work in DV education or beecoming active with a shelter. Nothing speaks as loudly as experience. You may end up saving another person's life with your story. My heart is with you and your family.
Comment: #10
Posted by: nanchan
Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:54 AM
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LW1- I met my husband through eHarmony and it was a long distance relationship at first too. We fell in love over the phone and I made the decision that I would move to him. The day we met in person for the first time we eloped and neither of us have any regrets. I say to take a leap of faith, you never know what could happen.
Off Topic for a moment-I am very happy to announce That Hubs and I are expecting our third child. It was hard to make the decision to try again after we lost our unborn baby in May but we knew we wanted at least one more. Baby is due in June and is very healthy :) I find out in Jan if we're having another boy or another girl but I suspect its girl number 2 :)
Comment: #11
Posted by: Yoshi Mama
Thu Dec 22, 2011 7:01 AM
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Joyce:
One might ask: does your train of thought have a caboose??
Comment: #12
Posted by: jar8818
Thu Dec 22, 2011 7:05 AM
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@ Yoshi Mama
My "hubby" and I, too, are living proof that on-line relationships can and do work. We met in a chat room twelve years ago (that's 84 gay years!) LOL! We carried on a long-distance relationship for about five years before moving in together and we're still here!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! I wish you, your hubby and your new addition to the family the best of health and happiness!
Comment: #13
Posted by: Chris
Thu Dec 22, 2011 7:06 AM
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@#12: I'm sure you don't need to hear this, nanchan, but good for you! I can't imagine the amount of courage that takes, especially living in a foreign country.
@#11: Congrats, Yoshi Mama!! I love stories like that :) and congrats on the new baby!! I'm sorry for your loss in May, but that's wonderful to hear that you're expecting again!
@#13: Chris, that's pretty admirable you were able to do a LDR for 5 years!! Congrats on your happiness as well.
I just <3 happy ending love stories!
Comment: #14
Posted by: Casey
Thu Dec 22, 2011 7:16 AM
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Joyce -- You said exactly what I wanted to about LW3!
On LW1 -- Agree there, too, that this is more about the supervisor's typical style of interaction rather than some deliberate sabotage of LW -- and that LW can get the best results with polite, attentive silence.
Interesting about the ASL being a distraction to people with hearing. I could see how that would be, though I'd never thought of it.
Comment: #15
Posted by: hedgehog
Thu Dec 22, 2011 7:28 AM
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LW1 and Joyce:
Relationships created from meeting on the internet do work, but as others have said here and elsewhere, it takes WORK. My wife and I are examples of this. Long story short, my brother was having surgery done, and I had 20 million questions about it. He suggested my wife as a resource, since she went through it twice, and introduced us via email.
Almost three years later, we married, and to this day, we still remark that we were purrrrfect for one another. We were holding a long distance relationship, 2800 miles apart (pretty much on each side of the country), for a little over a year in the beginning. What helped was the fact that we talked about everything and the moon, we used webcams extensively, taught her ASL via webcam, learned a few things from her via webcam, etc.
So again, it takes WORK. Relationships and even love are certainly NOT destinations, where you say, "I'm with her/him, what more do I need to do?". They are always processes that require work on a daily basis -- whether it be via internet or in person.
LW3: My condolences. I was like Nanchan's baby daughter (my dad was the abuser), so I can say that what nanchan said was spot on.
Comment: #16
Posted by: tobbiefox
Thu Dec 22, 2011 7:34 AM
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Regarding LW1, a close friend of mine and I were on vacation on Cape Cod in the early 60's. She met a guy in the Air Force stationed there. Their relationship was carried on mainly by phone and the occasional visit. They married in 1965 and have been happily married ever since. These long distance relationships do work.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Marilyn
Thu Dec 22, 2011 8:19 AM
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Yoshi mama:
Yes, congrats!! A rough year, but what a nice way to start the new one.
Comment: #18
Posted by: jar8818
Thu Dec 22, 2011 8:20 AM
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Re: nanchan
"What DID wake me up was the day my then baby daughter witnessed her father beating the crap out of me. (...) Right then, I knew i had to get out. If I didn't love myself enough, I definately loved her ennugh."
Now, that is very interesting.
With me too, the epiphany came through my baby. I was never physically beaten - but the fact that he never touched me was actually part of his manipulation and isolation techniques ("MEEEEEH - you don't have a bruise to show and I don't behave like that in front of the others, who's gonna believe you (derisive laugh)?"), and all the other forms of abuse were present - verbal, emotional, psychological and sexual.
He was a collaborator to a newpaper, only went in once a week to file his pages in and pick up his paycheck. I had him on my back the rest of the time. When he was in a fighting mood, he would follow me around the house with an angry, wild look to his face, breathing down my neck until he found a pretext to explode about and then he would start screaming, yelling at the top of his lungs, accusing me of all the wrongs in the world and calling me every name in the book - crude names.
I remember one of these incidents, when he went into the baby's room when he had to stop for a few minutes in order to catch his breath. He went to our baby and started purring to her, baby-talking to her in a saccharine voice - "Ooooh, this is such a nwice bwabwy (kiss, kiss, kiss) thank GOD she has a nice father who loves her a lot, not like her F***ING B**** OF A S*** OF A W***** OF A MOTHER, (kiss kiss kiss).
No kidding, I swear to God I'm not exaggerating this, not only I'm not, but I don't even have the tools here to express how much his voice went up, abruptly going from a purr to a roar. I was not only horrified, but actively nauseated.
The wake up call was when I saw my daughter witnessing yet another ecreaming incident, then issue a little mewing, disparaging sound as in, "not again", then turn her back and crawl away.
That, plus the fact that I was seeing hints of development problems in the making, plus the memory of the MIL stating that her son was exactly like her husband, plus the spectacle of how HER own nerves were shot after years of such treatment before he finally died, plus the very recent realisation (see paragraph before) that our baby was but a tool to him and he didn't one whit if the arrow went through her as long as it found me behind, plus that I found the exact description of his behaviour in a psychiatry vulgarisation book, added to the fact that counselling had been tried with no results because it was always to fix ME, not him...
It was like the straw that breaks the camel's back. All these elements suddenly came to a head and, as if it were a magnetic puzzle magically putting itself together by itself, added up to a set of inescapable conclusions:
a) The problem was not with me.
b) He was never gonna change.
c) He didn't really care about either of us, he only cared about control.
d) If I didn't get the two of us out of there, he wouldn't destroy only me but also her.
That's when I started making plans to leave, putting the pieces in place until I finally did. But it took me four years to get to that awakening. Might have gone faster if he had been physical, but emotional abuse is often poo-pooed by the general population even now, back in the early seventies it was much worse - sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me and all that sort of yurunda. We will buy into that until we have reason to question it, but it may take a while for us to realise that, in the long run, words DO hurt as much as stick and stones. Some people never do.
I think the child is often the catalyst for a mother - a good mother, that is.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Dec 22, 2011 8:22 AM
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Re: Yoshi Mama
Congrats and condolences both - for the new bay in the works and the one who didn't quite make it. Good news for an end-beginning of a year!
Comment: #20
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Dec 22, 2011 8:30 AM
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LW2: The suggestion about remaining quiet is a good one, and I agree that it's rude to interrupt. BUT, could it be that you take a while to get to the point? You might ask a good friend--one who will tell you the truth--if you need to become more direct in your conversations. I just find that my conversations with family can include all the details, but with work friends I'd do the Reader's Digest version of the story--just less detail, take less time. They just want the highlights.
Comment: #21
Posted by: angoradeb
Thu Dec 22, 2011 9:16 AM
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Re: jar8818
LOVE IT. The caboose thing, I mean.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Jpp
Thu Dec 22, 2011 12:02 PM
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Lise:
Yeah, I agree. Don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had kids. Just let him abuse me into the ground?
At least we know they aren't going thru menopause. They're just plum crazy.
Comment: #23
Posted by: jar8818
Thu Dec 22, 2011 2:48 PM
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I think one of the worst things we do to people in abusive situations is go on and on and on and on about how very, incredibly, terribly hard it is to leave. They internalize that message just as much as anything the abuser does.
The truth is it really isn't that hard to leave. What's hard is working up the courage and standing by the decision. But there are places to go, people who will help, and law enforcement tools. While scars do last for years, most abused people feel an overwhelming sense of relief and joy once they are out. "Other people have left, people do it every single day, and so can you" would be a far more positive and pro-active message to get out, IMHO. I am not minimizing things. I am taking note how even in regular non-abusive yet dead relationships people think change is soooo difficult. No it's not. Get an apartment, file papers, move out.
Comment: #24
Posted by: wkh
Thu Dec 22, 2011 5:06 PM
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LW1: I was in a LDR for three years in college with the "boyfriend back home"; back then it was lots of letters and occasional phone calls. Even though we had grown up together, when I did see him we were growing further apart until I got a letter from him that was everything that bugged me about him--and at that point, I had met the man who became my husband who didn't play those games, and the choice was clear. The old bf never did go back to our home town after college, and the man I married also lived a thousand miles away, but most of my links back home were gone (both parents had passed away) and I found a very good friend of my dad's in my hew home, which helped. Your 20's is a good time to move if you're willing to start a new life.
LW2: If the conversation is not work-related, just say, "I'm sorry, I need to concentrate on this work I'm doing." Repeat as necessary. If necessary, add: "The better it turns out, the better for all of us."
LW3: One of my daughters lived 20+ years with someone who constantly ran her down; she said it was like there was another person there that looked like her but was a really horrible person. She, however, began doing more and more of what she knew she needed to do, ignoring him as much as possible. Just about the time that she was done and ready to move out, he found a new girlfriend and moved out himself. (Very uncooperative in their attepted settlements, however.)
Comment: #25
Posted by: partsmom
Thu Dec 22, 2011 5:29 PM
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LW1: I was in a LDR for three years in college with the "boyfriend back home"; back then it was lots of letters and occasional phone calls. Even though we had grown up together, when I did see him we were growing further apart until I got a letter from him that was everything that bugged me about him--and at that point, I had met the man who became my husband who didn't play those games, and the choice was clear. The old bf never did go back to our home town after college, and the man I married also lived a thousand miles away, but most of my links back home were gone (both parents had passed away) and I found a very good friend of my dad's in my hew home, which helped. Your 20's is a good time to move if you're willing to start a new life.
LW2: If the conversation is not work-related, just say, "I'm sorry, I need to concentrate on this work I'm doing." Repeat as necessary. If necessary, add: "The better it turns out, the better for all of us."
LW3: One of my daughters lived 20+ years with someone who constantly ran her down; she said it was like there was another person there that looked like her but was a really horrible person. She, however, began doing more and more of what she knew she needed to do, ignoring him as much as possible. Just about the time that she was done and ready to move out, he found a new girlfriend and moved out himself. (Very uncooperative in their attepted settlements, however.)
Comment: #26
Posted by: partsmom
Thu Dec 22, 2011 5:29 PM
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Re: the Caboose chuckle.
To quote my 5 yr old granddaughter:
I prayed and God said I could.
I had a friend who yesterday said she was butting heads with a few who were her bosses--said she could get herself fired one day if she were not careful. Her years of experience in a high stress job at a very important company world wide--and the only one in her position of the company--held since the 70s--the comment she made to one of her bosses who had not given much thought to his words that day were: I hope what you choose to do and what you have done have made your mother proud of you today. "
And he is the same age as her kids. Sometimes those who come in with what they think is wisdom for the rest of us automaticly remove common sense and apply what they say needs to have a gathered remark.
So I told my friend to say what my granddaughter told me (it was raining outside and I had told her to come in cause she would get wet--). That will be her words of wisdom.
Sort of the CABOOSE.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Thu Dec 22, 2011 7:01 PM
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@angoradeb
LW2 might not be completly accurate in their description of the conversation, but they say the boss interrupted them in the middle of their first sentence, so going on and on doesn't seem like it is the issue.
Comment: #28
Posted by: C Meier
Thu Dec 22, 2011 7:29 PM
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Re: wkh
Like I said, I was not physically abused, although all the other forms were there.
But, personally, I did not find it all that hard to leave. The most difficult (and time-consuming) part is getting to the point where you know you need to. But for physically abused women, once they"ve gotten to the "I've gotta get outa there" stage, the trickiest part is to escape without getting killed. Some don't make it, as LW3 sadly emphasizes.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Dec 22, 2011 10:59 PM
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LW3: The worst part about being a parent is being powerless to stop our children from making bad decisions. Her death wasn't your fault. You couldn't have forced her to behave otherwise. She left when she was ready. There was no way you could have known that he would kill her for it. I'm sorry for your loss.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Diana
Sun Dec 25, 2011 4:41 PM
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I know people like your boss. Either constantly interrupt or really want to tell what's going on with them and not interested in hearing about you (even though they ask). In those cases, I'm monosyllabic. One word answers. I'm polite, but I don't go into any more detail then necessary because I know they are 1. really not interested, or 2. are going to cut me off anyway. Works like a charm!
Comment: #31
Posted by: ALN
Sun Dec 25, 2011 5:14 PM
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LW2
Adopt a brogue and say something such as, “I mussen tarry, boss lady – this here tawkin' won't get the pigs fed, you know!” And then turn back to your work. Practice different remarks in front of the mirror or a friend until they trip off the tongue naturally.
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Comment: #32
Posted by: Word A Day Mate
Sun Jan 1, 2012 3:42 AM
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