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It's Easier To Replace the Cookware than the Husband Who Cooks
Dear Annie: I usually do the cooking in the house, but occasionally, my husband likes to surprise me by preparing a meal. I'm glad he wants to relieve me of the kitchen duties, but he has a bad habit of wrecking my cookware.
Recently, I came home from work, and he was beaming from having made a big dinner. But then I saw that he served the meal in plastic bowls that he had placed in the oven to keep warm. He permanently damaged them, and I jumped on him for ruining the bowls. He got upset because he was expecting praise for making dinner.
I know I should not have become upset over some plastic bowls, but he does this all the time. He's ruined nonstick cookware by scratching it with metal utensils, burned pans by heating them when they were empty, microwaved non-microwaveable containers, and on and on.
Please tell me how to overlook the fact that we have to replace so many kitchen items and just be happy that he cooks. I don't want him to stop. I just want him to use some common sense. — California
Dear California: You need to explain these things to your husband when you aren't angry. He doesn't know any better because no one has taken the time to teach him properly. Try cooking together, showing him by example how to create a dish in the kitchen without ruining everything. Treat his gaffes with affection, and make sure to appreciate his handiwork when he's finished. If this doesn't help, keep in mind that it is much easier to replace pots and pans than a loving husband who cooks for you.
Dear Annie: I'm a teenager. My brother and I live with my mother, one uncle and my grandparents. I love them all dearly.
My mother works, but on the weekends she does all the cleaning. The thing is, my grandmother is sick and sometimes cannot do what she used to do. Then she gets mad at us for no apparent reason. We try to take care of her, but she still gets angry. We can't talk to her about it, because we worry she will get sicker.
My grandmother often says she doesn't like living in our house. How can I get everything back to being a family again? — Need of Peace in California
Dear Need Peace: Talk to your mother about this, and ask for her suggestions. We think your grandmother's anger has nothing to do with any of you. She is lashing out at her family because she doesn't like feeling too sick (or too old) to do the things she used to do. She wants to be valued and appreciated. Ask Grandma to help you cook one of her special dishes. Or talk to her about her favorite book or a city where she traveled. Ask her to tell you about her parents. Find out what interests her, and do your best to show her that she still matters.
Dear Annie: I wrote the letter signed "Alone in Omaha," telling you that I was having major brain surgery and no one would be in the hospital with me during this time.
Thank you for your advice to call my family and tell them. I did that. I let them know it would be good to have someone here, and they came through. My father is coming, my sister is driving 10 hours from Oklahoma, and my brother will be here, too. I also joined an epilepsy support group, and the people are all so kind and said they will help me out. — No Longer Alone in Omaha
Dear Omaha: Thank you so much for letting us know, and we hope your surgery is successful. Hundreds of our readers, even those not from Omaha, wrote to say they would sit by your side during the surgery so you would not be alone. God bless every single one of them.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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50 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1-
Honey, common sense isn't so common and men seem remarkably devoid of it too many times - at least "womanly" commong sense ;-). Not all men are likie that, but... this is not something you can instil in him, the ones who don't have it are like the colour-blind towards red.
How do you overlook the fact that you have to replace so many kitchen items and just be happy that he cooks? Hide and/or lock up the kitchenware you care about (reserving it for your own use), and openly supply the kitchen with shit stuff from the dollar store, garage sales and thrift shops, so that it doesn't matter what he ruins. Then you can compliment him on his cooking and enjoy it without getting bent out of shape for what needs to be thrown in the garbage - la-de-da, plenty more where that came from.
LW2-
Can't add anything there. The Annies' answer was perfect.
LW3-
If you read BTL - good luck for your surgery. Lots of perfect strangers wish you well, on top of your family and friends!
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Dec 20, 2011 9:25 PM
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I'm trying to imagine people suggesting the man be all "no biggie!" about a woman who used construction/home repair tools improperly and ruined them :-/.
This would drive me insane as well, mainly because I'd wonder if my husband was a complete idiot. Plastic in the oven? Da hell? I knew better than that as a 10 year old. I'd tell him bluntly when not angry that he really needs to learn how to use the kitchenware properly otherwise no his meals are not a help. I'd rather cook myself all three meals every day of the year than deal with that.
Comment: #2
Posted by: wkh
Tue Dec 20, 2011 9:38 PM
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LW1, this is a safety issue: plastics used in conventional ovens can cause chemical contamination of your food. Chemical gases get released into the food from the plastic container. Likewise, microwaving non-microwavable containers is unsafe, because of the contamination and because many plastic containers are not heat-stable. Aluminum and damaged non-stick pans can leach metals into the food. If he wants to cut into a piece of meat being cooked in a non-stick pan, he first needs to transfer it to a clean plate and then cut it. Obviously he wants to avoid cross-contamination by not using that plate as a spoon rest.
The food safety issues ought to get his attention. Maybe you hide your good plastic ware and tell him he only gets to use glass containers? You could also save your receipts to show him that with the money you're spending to replace everyday items, you could go out to eat at a nice restaurant once or twice a month.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Auntie Social
Tue Dec 20, 2011 10:06 PM
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I have also been a victim of this husband crime! I got mad once after he used a metal wisk in my teflon frying pan and he never picked up a frying pan again. He refuses to wash my cast iron because I caught him washing it with soap once and jumped on him for it. Since then I have learned to appreciate him trying to help out and instead of getting mad about it, Just have patients and show him the right way to use things and explain the dangers of say using scratched up teflon or microwaving in plastic. When he does it right the next time, thank him and make sure to remind him why you appreciate him when he does it right. I try to say "Thanks for cleaning my pan and taking such good care of it".
Comment: #4
Posted by: Rikki
Tue Dec 20, 2011 10:35 PM
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LW1 - Some people just lack the most basic common sense and your husband seems to be one of them. Plastic in the oven...seriously?? I really like Lise's suggestion of hiding your good stuff and putting cheap-o stuff where your husband would look. If he doesn't even know that plastic doesn't belong in an oven chances are he's not going to figure out that you're good stuff is in higher cabinets, a seperate pantry, etc.
A guy friend of mine once lost his power the second his wash cycle was done. It didn't come back on for several hours and he told me that he had to wash his clothes all over again. I asked him why and he said the wet clothes in the basket got moldy and smelled bad. I said, "Why didn't you hang them up to dry?" He stared at me for about a minute and asked, "You can do that?" See? Some people just have zero common sense!
LW2 - I like the Annie's answer but I'm surprised they didn't mention that she possibly has the start of Alzheimer's. Lashing out at people and getting angry for no reason is a symptom. Maybe if the Annie's suggestion doesn't work they should accompany her to her next doctor's appointment
Comment: #5
Posted by: Michelle
Wed Dec 21, 2011 2:59 AM
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Grandmas are often all about memories. Try collecting old photos and sitting with Gramdma a little bit each day to make a scrapbook and listen to her stories.
Comment: #6
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Wed Dec 21, 2011 3:57 AM
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LW1--So I guess you've figured out that your husband isn't Emeril Lagasse. This isn't a lack of common sense your husband's part; it's more likely simple ignorance of modern cookware. While he could definitely benefit from some kindly administered tutelage from you before he cooks again, you might wish to keep something in mind. For you, cooking is a process in and of itself that you enjoy and the meal happens to the be delicious outcome. For your husband, cooking is clearly a more goal-oriented task in which he's trying to do something for you out of love. The cookware are the collateral damage. Instead of letting a few melted Tupperware bowls ignite your temper, try to see your husband's occasional cooking as the well-intentioned token of his love for you that it is and cut the man a little slack. The upside is that you'll get to upgrade your cookware often!
LW2--"How can I get everything back to being a family again?" Sadly, probably not until your grandmother dies or moves out, whichever comes first. In addition to whatever else ails her, Your grandmother is likely suffering from dementia, which is why her behavior is erratic and her temper short. She's probably also depressed because she knows she'll likely never regain her independence and solid health. She's old and cranky and having multiple generations under one roof can be exasperating for everyone involved. The Annies advice to talk to your mother is good but also consider talking to a trusted teacher, the school counselor or the parents of your best friend for additional support and advice on how to cope with this stressful situation. Good luck.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Chris
Wed Dec 21, 2011 4:07 AM
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LW1: Indeed, hide the cookware you care about, or get a special set just for him -- knowing that it can't be non-stick, can't be plastic, etc. In fact, make it a "reward" for all the help in the kitchen -- buy it as a special gift, and maybe include cooking classes at the local adult education center, or a cookbook that can help him with some basics (although unless he has a sense of humor about this, don't get him "Cooking for Dummies"!).
See, if you know this is a recurring problem, you can buy the right kinds of kitchen tools for him that he won't be able to damage as much. And this seems to me to be a problem of socialization -- obviously when he was growing up no one taught him any of these basics, and it can be very frustrating to do something special for the person you love, only to be told (essentially) that you are a moron. It's not that he's stupid, it's that he's never been taught.
(Same thing is true about the stereotype of women and car care or power tools -- it's not that women are dumb, it's that --generally speaking, of course there are exceptions -- many little girls aren't taught about power tools or car care as they are growing up.)
See this as an opportunity to do something together.
LW2: My grandmother was extraordinarily frustrated when sickness and old age prevented her from doing all the things she used to. It can be very hard to feel so helpless. Annies advice is very good here, and maybe you can think of other ways to make her feel useful and important. Family history and family photos or movies may be a big help, too -- you could make it a project to make sure that all the family photos have the people in them identified on the back, and each photo could open up a story that she'd love to tell you.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Mike H
Wed Dec 21, 2011 4:39 AM
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wkh- I had the same thought. I doubt people would tell a man he should be happy his wife is helping out in the yard and fixing things around the house if she was ruining his tools.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Renee J
Wed Dec 21, 2011 4:48 AM
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LW1: I had a similar problem but with my daughter.
She's been cooking and baking with me wince she was old enough to sit on a counter and hold a utensil (didn't use it, hust held it) and I started her cooking alone when she was about 12. But there were some things she didn't/counld't remember. Yes, we're had to throw away pans (mostly non-stick) definatley plates, etc. etc. even though she's been educated by me and yes, it is frustrating.
How we solved it (kind of): The Cooking Network and Food Network. Particularly, Alton Brown's show Good Eats. I had never watched it before but a friend of mine from work and her husband did and were hooked and my daughter was fascinated. I think that particular show works so well because Alton goes into the science behind the food and the equipment used to make it. He has several books out and I believe some DVDs, so even if you don't have cable or sattelite you can benefit from it.
Once she started learning more about the science of cooking, she started respecting the cookwear more. It's funny because I'm a non-scientific cook: I don't need to measure very much and I go on gut. It was how I was taught to cook by my mom and grandmas, and honestly in our home we had little "fancy" stuff to cook with so it didn't matter. We all knew from day one NOT to touch the cast iron skillet (first rule in dishwashing, let mom handle the cast iron). We didn't have a microwave at all when I was growing up, my mom was afraid of them (!), all our dishes were reheatable in the oven (not long term, just to keep warm), so as an adult I had to learn myself how to treat certain pans.
Come to think of it, having him help you with the dishes might be a good start. As you wash the bowls, tell him where they can and can't go (These can go in the microwave, these can't, etc). You may even want to lable some on the bottom (not sure how, i'm sure you can) with DO NOT MICROWAVE or DO NOT PUT IN ANY OVEN etc.
Good luck
LW2: this is not your fault. You should talk to your mom about your feelings though. it's possible that your mom doesn't know how bad things are getting with your grandmother. Your grandmother needs to be seeing a doctor and being checked for dementia because lashing out and change in personality is one of the first signs. Again, it's not your fault. Try to do what the Annies and the other commenters suggest, but if she gets angry at you when you do, walk away. You don't have to be abused in your own home.
LW3: Another proof that "ask and ye shall receive" always begins with ASK. Best of luck through your surgeries and recovery!
Comment: #10
Posted by: nanchan
Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:26 AM
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@ nanchan
"You may even want to lable some on the bottom (not sure how, i'm sure you can) with DO NOT MICROWAVE or DO NOT PUT IN ANY OVEN etc."
This is actually a great idea! I my laboratory we use Sharpies (only the original 'Sharpie' brand black ones are suitable) to label all sorts of things that are heated in ovens for long periods up to 500oF. Also, Sharpie doesn't wash off very easily either. A discreet note (or better yet, a symbol) on the bottom or sides (or handle) of pots, pans and bowls could instantly inform LW1's husband which bowls are microwave or oven safe or which ones require non-scratch utensils.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Chris
Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:42 AM
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Letter 1 - Maybe you can tell him that you would love to cook WITH him one day, as a couple's activity. Then when he goes for the metal spatula for your non-stick pan, you can say, "Oh, honey, you can't use metal on non-stick pans, it'll ruin them. Here's a plastic/rubber one for you." Or "Oh, honey, you can't put plastic in the oven. Here, let me get you a glass dish." etc.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Little Cookie
Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:43 AM
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Work cancelled due to freezing rain today :)
LW1: I can relate in a different way. My bf, God bless him, once proudly told me when I walked in the door that he had spent his day off cleaning the apartment. Well, the sink was still full of dishes, the counters and floors were dirty, the bed was sloppily made, and the bathroom hadn't been touched. As gently as possible, I asked him what he HAD done. Turns out he'd done laundry and cleared a bunch of junk out of the bathroom and off the desk that had been sitting there. It still unfortunately led to an argument, as he felt I was unappreciative of what he had put considerable effort into.
At this point, we generally split the cleaning tasks. I take care of the bathroom, sweeping, and wiping counters, etc. He swiffers, does laundry and dishes, as well as pet care, and often cooks as he generally gets home before I do.
It's not necessarily a lack of common sense- my bf, and likely LW's husband, were simply never taught certain things. We are quite stereotypical- my bf is a great handyman who can fix anything, but watching him sweep a floor can almost bring you to tears for how sloppy it will be, and he quite sincerely doesn't notice if the bathroom is gross. If LW and her husband are older, it's even more so. My dad never knew a thing about cooking and could practically burn water until my mother moved out and he was forced to learn.
To bring it all back to LW1: I very much like the idea of giving him his "very own" cookware that you know he can't damage. I wouldn't advocate hiding a large amount of your own stuff, but certainly hide the high quality items it would grieve you to replace. As for the rest: try not to let the occasional melted bowl ruin your appreciation of your husband trying to do a good turn for you.
(To those comparing to ruining power tools. I don't know how much you spend on your cookware, but to me there's a significant price difference between a wrecked frying pan and a wrecked power saw).
Finally: How DOES one clean a cast iron, if one cannot use soap? I'm fairly certain I'm guilty of that one from when I lived with my parents, but I've never heard that you're not supposed to do it.
LW2: Try not to let grandma get to you. It's a rough phase in your life when you can no longer do things you're supposed to do. Her anger isn't actually directed at you most of the time. She's just really frustrated in general right now. Do your best to be nice, and if she gets really nasty, feel free to leave the room. Also make sure your mom knows what's going on.
However, you comment that your mother does "all the cleaning" on weekends. I get that Grandma can't do that much, but what are you, your brother, and uncle doing? No one is a fan of cleaning, and many people shirk it when they're not asked specifically. Maybe consider doing a good turn by your mother and helping out with the household chores. Try to get your brother on board too. Even mom needs a day off every now and then.
LW3: I'm glad the story has a happy ending. The fact is, people are wrapped up in their own lives and not as observant of other people's situations as you would think. On top of that, I think many people assume that someone going through a hard time "has it covered." Your family probably had no idea that no one was going to be with you until you spoke up. I went through a similar situation in university when my parents split up, I was having chronic stomach problems, and I was very stressed with school and work and felt very abandoned by the people around me. When I finally confronted one close friend, she was shocked at how much I was going through and how alone I felt. She really had no idea. Sometimes you do have to speak up for yourself.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Jers
Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:06 AM
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LW1: I agree with people that say this sounds like a socialization thing. Personally, I've never used non-stick pans (my parents had them, but I wasn't ever allowed to help) and didn't know you shouldn't use metal utensils. Seriously, I cook all the time, and I did not know that because I use stainless steel cookware and bamboo utensils. It makes perfect sense, it's just not a situation I have ever found myself in.
So, I would do a few things.
1. Be patient. The way to handle the plastic dishes melting was not to immediately berate your husband who had no idea he'd done anything wrong. You should have addressed it in a "honey, I LOVE that you cook me dinner. I really appreciate it! I'd like to maybe teach you how to use our kitchen stuff so we can KEEP using it for awhile."
2. Teach him. Maybe cook a romantic meal together, watch Food Network (I learned most of my cooking techniques from there!), or take a class.
3. Invest in some forgiving cookware. For example, all of my dishes and "tupperware" are oven safe. All of them. It was expensive to start but they've lasted through my undergrad and graduate degrees, are clean, not melted, etc. I would also suggest switching out your utensils as much as possible to something that works with all pots and pans like wood, silicone or bamboo. Save some money and then pick them out together, and then it won't be such a huge issue.
Also. as a woman who HAS used power tools (and correctly), I don't think it's a fair comparison. Power tools are assumed to be dangerous, expensive, etc. Everyone thinks they're hard to use if they've never done it, and it's hard to break them by casual use (which, most people wouldn't just pick up a miter saw or a drill and use it without at least reading a manual if it wasn't theirs). Kitchen equipment is meant for use by anyone in the family and is NOT assumed to have these special properties or special needs for care and use.
LW2: Yup.
LW3: As someone who HATES asking for help, I learned this lesson the hard way. Good for you for telling your family! Sometimes it's easy to convince yourself that what you're doing or going through isn't important and no one cares. They do. I'm thinking of you and wishing you a speedy recovery!
Comment: #14
Posted by: AgLee16
Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:22 AM
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LW1 - I'm with wkh and Auntie Social. It's one thing to scratch a teflon pan and another to put plastic in the oven. Tell him to read the bottom of bowls - they will say if they are microwave, oven, dishwasher proof. Then get him a set of "harmless" things like wooden spoons, plastic spatulas and silicone whisks. He will still ruin things occasionally but you'll reduce the occurrences a lot.
LW2 - Your grandmother is likely going through menopause. (just kidding - inside joke).
My great grandmother got the same way when she got dementia at age 95. Instead of being happy she got crabby, refused to eat, etc. She died a couple years later. Or your grandma could just be moody and feeling lonely and useless. Mention it to your parents and let them take it from there.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Zoe
Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:23 AM
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Re: Jers
Cast iron is cleaned with hot water. You can scour with a non-soapy nylon "scrubbie," but the traditional way to remove cooked-on food is to use coarse kosher salt as a scouring agent. After any hardened food is scoured, you just rinse it off with hot water. Afterward, I always put my pan on a burner on very low heat to evaporate all moisture from the pores of the cast iron, apply a very light coating of vegetable oil on the surface with a paper towel, and then let the pan cool before storing.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Mary Ellen
Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:30 AM
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Re: Auntie Social
Thank you! I just read this in my newspaper & wanted to write ASAP. The real problem here is the melted plastic. It is NEVER safe to eat from ANYTHING melted. Toxins such as Bisphenol A are released and can cause serious effects. I am more worried about her heath than damaged cookware that can be replaced no matter how expensive.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Patty Scott
Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:36 AM
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Re: Auntie Social
Thank you! I just read this in my newspaper & wanted to write ASAP. The real problem here is the melted plastic. It is NEVER safe to eat from ANYTHING melted. Toxins such as Bisphenol A are released and can cause serious effects. I am more worried about her heath than damaged cookware that can be replaced no matter how expensive.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Patty Scott
Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:57 AM
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Good one Zoe!!!! Ha!!!!!
Comment: #19
Posted by: jar8818
Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:57 AM
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@LW1: My response is probably TMI. But Yikes! Her letter made me feel very bad about myself… I didn't start cooking until I was 25. Mom cooked for me in high school, I never cooked in college, because I was living in either my dorm or sorority house. In law school, I didn't have “time” to cook and I was living close to my parents, so I just went over there most of the time for dinner. Once I graduated and moved to my current city, I had no experience cooking (unless microwaving frozen fries and warming up queso dip, to dip them in, counts as cooking.) My boyfriend loves cooking and was really excited to start cooking with me. He's, also, pretty, um, well for lack of a better word, “anal” about keeping his personal property in pristine condition. So imagine his horror when he saw me scraping his pans with a fork, melting a spatula on the burner, and committed other cooking faux paus, similar to the LW's husband's. My boyfriend gently and sweetly, without any trace of annoyance or anger, explained some cooking etiquette pointers to me. He was very nice about it, realizing with little experience I didn't know better, and I respected that he was so understanding. We now live together and I brought over my very nice and expenses pots and pans (I won them at a work Christmas party. They were still in the box) and I won't let a fork within 12 inches of my pots!
My point, and I do have one, is the wife needs to show a little more patience to her husband and explain these things to him. She never once mentions she's talked to him about it; just that he constantly does it. She asks how can she overlook it and be happy; this is how. Work with him. Be gentle. Be understanding. These are “common sense” things to someone who has * experience * with these type of things, so help him gain that experience in a loving way. (ok, except for the plastic in the oven. That was just dumb.)
Comment: #20
Posted by: Casey
Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:00 AM
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@ Patty Scott
"It is NEVER safe to eat from ANYTHING melted. Toxins such as Bisphenol A are released and can cause serious effects."
I am so glad you brought this up since I will seize upon the opportunity to debunk this Bisphenol-A (BPA) hype. I am a chemist who develops coatings for the food industry. We have experienced a media storm lately over Bisphenol-A. I urge all readers to research the facts for themselves and see that Dr. Vom Saal and others who are using this obscure little molecule to spread FUD (Fear Uncertainty and Doubt) as well as scare people from eating out of food cans or using plastic containers containing this chemical. There are so many myths out there about Bisphenol-A, a chemical found in epoxy resin can linings and polycarbonate products. Many dubious studies link the chemical to cancer, obesity, impotence and other diseases. These ‘sensational' studies get picked up by the media which preys on fear and ignorance of its audience. Epoxy resins (and thus BPA) have been used to make products for more than 50 years and has been the subject of extensive scientific study and evaluation. The issue is not the quantity of studies, but their quality and the scientific value they provide to consumers. Some studies are conducted according to internationally recognized standards that ensure methodological and statistical reliability and others are not. Government regulators have the responsibility of reviewing all studies and considering issues like study design and quality and whether the result of any particular study was repeated in other studies. In the United States, the agency charged with this review for food contact applications is FDA. In January 2010, FDA stated that “studies employing standardized toxicity tests have thus far supported the safety of current low levels of human exposure to BPA” and did not take regulatory action. My point is that readers should be informed and question everything!! What we're told is not necessarily the truth.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Chris
Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:01 AM
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I wasn't even thinking of power tools. More like leaving the hedge clippers and hammer outside and getting them rusted.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Renee J
Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:09 AM
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LW1 -- you've gotten some excellent advice here, especially labeling your cookware, as well as cooking with him so he (potentially) learns.
LW2 -- again, you've gotten some excellent advice here, and there's just one thing I want to add and emphasize: "fixing" your family is NOT YOUR JOB, or at least, not your job alone. The undercurrent I got from your letter is that you are taking all of this on your teen-aged shoulders. So, do all the things other have suggested -- talk to your mom and/or other members of the family, ask your grandmother to tell you stories from "back in the day" and ask her to tell you how to do some of the things she used to do (especially how to cook her favorite recipes, for example). But remember that there is only so much you can do, and that it isn't all on you to fix this. If your grandmother does have alzheimer's or some other form of dementia as some have suggested (and I'll bet they are right), there will not be a whole lot ANYONE can do. My grandmother has alzheimer's. At this point, she suffers from aphasia (loss of words) so badly that she is basically incapable of having any sort of conversation, but the one thing she still loves and can still "chime in" on is old songs, especially Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers songs. I took the time to learn some of them and sing them with her when I visit. She wouldn't know my name, but she could still sing those songs. She's so far gone now that she can no longer sing the words, but she can still recognize and enjoy the tune and hum along.
LW3 -- I'm so glad you wrote back in with the upbeat update! Good luck and speedy recovery!
Comment: #23
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:10 AM
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My son started a fire in the microwave. He wrapped his potato in tin foil before he cooked it. I have all three of my teens help in the kitchen, so they are pretty competent. Guess I overlooked the "no metal in the microwave" lesson!
Comment: #24
Posted by: Stephanie
Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:12 AM
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@Auntie Social -- just wanted to say your "handle" gave me a little chuckle today. It reminded me of the bit from Mel Brooks' "Young Frankenstein" where Igor tells Dr. Frankenstein that the name of the person whose brain he used in the monster was "Abby Normal."
Comment: #25
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:15 AM
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I guess i would have a problem with this because if my husband put /plastic/ in the oven I would just think he was an idiot. Plastic melts. My four year old knows that. My husband and I spend equal time in the kitchen now because of our work schedules, and yes, at one point he did use metal in the frying pan. But never any plastic in the oven or the stove, because presumably he had at least one science class in his previous 25 years prior to when we got married. BUT, when we first got married, I did most of the cooking and would make him "help" me. He had never chopped an onion, etc. And he learned, without any drama. How has LW's husband been /allowed/ to remain so clueless I just dont understand. Really, some of our best chefs are male so the idea that the kitchen is the woman's domain only is very antiquated--and it's led to this guy being so clueless that he doesn't know that heat melts plastic. The larger issue is that he needs to know how to be responsible in the kitchen. She should have him do things in the kitchen with her so he learns. Let's all make a pact that we teach our children, both male and female, the basic things they need to know in order to take of themselves. Including cooking a meal, doing their own laundry, and changing a tire.
Comment: #26
Posted by: bean
Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:26 AM
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LW1-
Socialisation will have something to with him not understanting the needs of a Teflon skillet, nobody is born knowing that. But putting plastic in the oven is pretty dum-dum - the indication that he just doesn't THINK. If he's so much on automatic pilot, I doubt he'll notice little stickers at the bottom. But it's worth a try, you never know - miracles do happen!
About cookware and power tools, the comparison would be about the emotional connection that men feel for their tools and that women feel for their cookware. Price is irrelevant, as they both come in a wide range of prices depending on quality, and a favourite pot or tool is not necessarily the most expensive on the market. Misusing cookware can be dangerous too, it's just a different danger than with power tools - putting plastic in the over or too much oil in the pot can start a fire. For example. I own and use power tools, BTW, and I feel just as connected to them as to my favourite cookware!
Re: Michelle, Chris, nanchan
I didn't suggest dementia myself because I know how frustrating it is when your life is going in a direction you don't want because of factors you have no control over. Also, try to be careful about suggesting that at the slightest whiff of anger. As someone who is forward and has no problem making a complaint, I know full well that the minute a woman gets angry, even when the anger is perfectly justified, she has a valid complaint and a ton of people are siding with her, she is automatically deemed to be (depending on her apparent age) in her period, going through menopause, sexually frustrated and/or suffering from Alzheimer's.
Unless there are other symptoms like confusion and forgetfulness, I will take for granted that her bouts of anger have other causes.
@Jers & Mary Ellen
I have a huge set of cast iron pots and skillets in all sizes and shapes, some of them I've had for 40 years. I use hot-hot-hot water and SOS pads to clean them. They can be made non-stick by burning oil into them. Cover the bottom, put on high heat until it smokes, remove from heat, let cool, slightly wash and pat dry. DON'T watch TV or answer the phone while you do this. You don't want to start a fire.
I recommend switching from non-stick skillets to cast iron, by the way, especially with a clueless husband in the kitchen. They're virtually indestructible, you can use a sharp knife to cut something into them while on the stove without ruining them and the iron content that may leak into food is actually a bonus!
Comment: #27
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:38 AM
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@Chris - Beautiful advise for LW1!!
@Rikki - I think your story is exactly what the LW needed to see. I have the same experience. I am really close to one of my brothers, when I moved out of my parent's house at 18, he was my roommate for years until I bought my house and moved away from the area. Even after that he has always come over to my house regularly and cooks (he even did this when I with my husband just so that he could give us a hand - yep, he is a really good guy.) He burns pots and pans like nobody's business. When we lived together way back when, I actually caught him use a dish cloth to wipe the floor THEN turn around and use it to WASH the dishes!!! Yuck. I used to fuss at him for doing things like that. But after realizing that he was really trying to help - I stopped. I now have a cheap set of cookware - which is what I have asked him to use and a good set, that I use. When he comes over and cooks dinner for me and the kids during the school/work week - the time he saves me that day is way more valuable than the pots and pans that get scorched. When he washes dishes and sets them in the drain, I thank him then when he goes home, I load them in the dishwasher. I am grateful that at least he saved me the time of having to rinse them myself.
BTW - My ex used to do the same things. It used to really irk me that when he put away the dishes he would just throw things in the cabinets and as long as they were in the right general area, being neat didn't matter. The worst was when I was trying to get out the door in the morning and I could never find the tops to my travel mugs. But I learned to stop making a big deal about things like this with him as well. I simply washed my own travel mug each evening and put it with the top in the morning and knew where to find them. As far as the messy cabinets, I just bit my lip as this was one of the few things he was willing to do around the house and I did not want to rock that boat.
Comment: #28
Posted by: sharnee
Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:46 AM
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LW1: The Annies have the right idea … cooking together where you can teach him what to use and how to use it.
I's joke about things if they get ruined rather than complain. I do some of the cooking, and my wife does the rest. We just kid each other when something doesn't go right … just another thing about life to have a little laugh about together.
She tries to help with the leaf blowing but just doesn't do it the most efficient way. I just appreciate her trying, helping me out, and giving us something else to do together. I would never complain … just blow some leaves at her, making us both laugh.
You two deserve each other … he's so stupid that he continues to cook even after you criticize him … and you're so stupid that you criticize him for his efforts over some pots and pans.
If I were him, I'd never cook for you again.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Dave Galino
Wed Dec 21, 2011 8:24 AM
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I call BS on the "man doesn't know better" theory. Does anyone remember the Everybody Loves Raymond where the men admit deliberately messing stuff up so they're not asked to do it ever again. Granted, the LW's husband "surprised" her, but he was probably betting that she'd get irritated, he'd pull the "see what I get for trying to do something nice" card and VOILA! he's absolved of kitchen duty for several months. He's either stupid or sneaky, take your pick.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Jennifer
Wed Dec 21, 2011 9:32 AM
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Re: Jennifer
Oh yeah, I've had one of those - Mister Crazy Singer, whose house was Spic & Span when he was living alone, started refusing to lift a finger the minute he moved in with me, stating that it "devirilised him". Right. Whatever I asked him to do was done purposely wrong and destructively, to make sure I never asked again. What I asked him shortly was to move OUT - for that and many other reasons. The man was screwed up to the boiling point.
This being stated, LW1's husband volunteered, so I would guess he really wants to do it, and that that he enjoys cooking and feeding someone he loves. There ARE people who are this clueless, and it's not just men. You should have seen my ex-MIL. That woman couldn't make Jello. But then she was in a state of hysterical, fluttering panic 24/7, had ZERO sense of smell and her nerves were shot. She wasn't mean or nasty, but... you know.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Dec 21, 2011 9:47 AM
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LW2 - Grandma may say she hates living in your house because she no longer has her independence and misses her old home. It is usually VERY difficult for older folks to make this transition, and on top of it, she is ill. I agree with Jers on one thing, though - your mother must be exhausted if she's working full time and taking care of a large household as well. There is no reason why two healthy kids, especially when one is a teenager, can't be helping out with the weekend cleaning, not to mention fixing or starting a couple of dinners during the week. And remember, old folks usually love to talk about their memories, so ask Grandma some questions as the Annies suggested.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Linda
Wed Dec 21, 2011 10:48 AM
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The husband in the kitchen thing--brought back thoughts I had buried. Now anger boiling. The common sense factor SHOULD be there, many guys can go camping/fishing/hunting and do just fine! But get in a domesticated kitchen and dumb comes in the door with stupid.
My husband gets upset with me if I attend a tupperware party, etc. I would not have to go if he did not ruin my pieces I use. Sharp knives to cut things--setting the bowl with pancake batter in ON THE BURNER HE TURNED ON! He started a fire in my kitchen when we first got married. Carpeted kitchen so I put a throw rug in front of the stove to catch drips. He fried an egg, so much butter in the pan ON HIGH that it splattered out and BURNED the rug.
When they come back from fishing and want to fix it, they have to take the fry-daddy outside and use it. NO ONE cooks with oil in my house. Wonder why I keep several fire extinguishers by the kitchen door? Cause my trust is gone. Spent in replacements. Same with dropping silverare into the sink--on top of my corelle--which smashed to tiny bits. Oh, can you clean up the sink?
But take a look at the camping stuff ready. And now they have a trailer. Microwave, AC/heat. They do only paper plates--and they PACKED THE GAS GRILL the last time--to cook their food on outside the trailer. Husband's idea of checking the grill supper is WELL, NO SMOKE YET. Used to be he'd be outside with supper and my neighbor would call with WHAT IS SMOKING OVER THERE? Yep, hubby wandered to the other neighbors.
DON'T TOUCH my kitchen stuff if you can't respect the fact you clean up, fix, replace. I don't go to the garage, take an expensive fishing pole, snap it, stick a marshellow on it to grill. First of all, THE POLE IS NOT MINE, and 2nd, WHO WOULD BE SO STUPID.
I went through my drawers and threw out (or put away) utensils I don't want people scratching my cookware with. Ditto on many other things. So when they ask where is such and such, I say CAN'T TOUCH IT. I am done with who cares if their feelings are hurt. If my 5 yr old grandaughter can tell you which knife, utensil to use, then any one older best learn from her.
Same thing for my sewing supplies. I have written on my hands of expensive scissors, etc DON'T TOUCH. I keep other scissors in another area if they have general use. AND THEY ALL KNOW IT.
OH, my hubby still has his meals he has to prepare--they are called WE GO OUT TO EAT TONIGHT??? I grew up with a father who was an excellent cook. Never used a grill untill a few years ago when their power was out for 10 days due to an ice storm. Had to figure out how to make his coffee. You can only eat sardines, etc so long when he learned how to use the grill. By that time, they had to be cooking things from the freezer too.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Wed Dec 21, 2011 11:49 AM
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@ Joyce/MN - "dumb comes in the door with stupid" LOL!!! I know you are hot as fire, but I was in tears laughing so hard at the way you told your story. Love the fishing pole example!
Comment: #34
Posted by: sharnee
Wed Dec 21, 2011 12:31 PM
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LW1 - This has been my life for 25 years. My husband is incapable of cooking anything without spraying grease all over the stove, burning stuff in the pans, putting the toaster away, making more drink mix when the jug is empty, etc. I could go on and on. He cannot put his dirty clothes in the clothes basket in the bathroom, either; instead, he prefers to drop them on the floor next to the basket. Dirty dishes are dragged to the living room, and I find things later under the sofa. He never closes the silverware or utensil drawer, or the cupboards when he gets something out. Forget about him putting anything back. His excuse? "I just don't think to do --fill in the blank here--".
BUT if he gets out any of HIS tools or work items, they are organized neatly and put away.
I have begged, pleaded, just left things lay, and done everything else I can think to do. I'm done. I'm tired of cleaning up behind him. When we reach retirement age, I hope his new wife picks up after him as he will have a rude awakening.
Comment: #35
Posted by: Rebecca
Wed Dec 21, 2011 2:48 PM
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Are there any guys BTL today that can explain to us women why you do certain things like you do? Leave drawers open, drop your dirty clothes NEXT TO THE HAMPER (why not inside it?), put empty ice cube trays back in the freezer or empty pitchers in the frig?
WHY WHY WHY??? I'd really like to know.
Comment: #36
Posted by: jar8818
Wed Dec 21, 2011 2:53 PM
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Lw2: My grandmother became extremely negative as she got older. All she'd talk about were the horrible things she heard on the news. I suggested that she cease watching the news, but she needs TV to keep her occupied. I'm a grown man, not a teen, and I have a high-stress job. When I'm with family, I can't tolerate hearing about the world's wes.
Here's what I did: I would call her every three days, talk for a few minutes, and that was that. I wouldn't give her enough time to talk about the latest burglary or home invasion. If the whole family was together and she started talking about something unpleasant, I'd excuse myself and leave. Case closed. I wanted to remember her as she was, not as a mean old harpy.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Tom
Wed Dec 21, 2011 3:07 PM
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Re: jar8818 (post #36)
I'm not a guy, but I will give you my husband's answer to your question: Because it is not important to him. That statement says it all. My hubby (and maybe others) don't find cleanliness a necessity; and if I do, then I guess I will do it, because it is important to me!
Comment: #38
Posted by: Jenna
Wed Dec 21, 2011 4:02 PM
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I sincerely doubt LW1 hasn't told her husband. I place money on him not caring/not taking her warnings seriously. My dad does this. "oh for god's sake it's just a pan; a litte soap won't kill it" or "Oh it's a whisk it's not gonna hurt anything if you don't scrape it!" He thinks my stepmom is being ridiculous to have special tools for her non-stick cookware. And don't bother trying to tell him; he's an engineer and therefore knows absolutely everything about everything.
Comment: #39
Posted by: wkh
Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:27 PM
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LW! I would have to say, "Stay out of my kitchen! If you want to do something special, clean the bathroom!" After ruining so many dishes and pans enough is enough. You can never get me to believe those were *mistakes*. As for hiding the good stuff, where? In the rafters in the garage? I refuse to hide my good pans and baking things upstairs in a bedroom closet.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Cathy
Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:39 PM
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Re: Chris
Re: BPA-My husband would be happy to see your post; he has a PhD in chemistry and he's told me the same thing. In fact, he's had to re-explain it to his mother several times because she was ready to throw away all our son's plastic bottles and sippy cups and replace them with glass. :)
Actually, your post unscores a major pet peeve of mine: people's reliance on junk science (or rather, any particular group's reliance to get attention) but don't bother to check to be sure the results were actually obtained in a credible study.
BTW-I also like your original response to LW1 and I will add this to it: send hubby out to replace the ruined cookwear with instructions to purchase the high-quality stuff. Maybe he'll start taking notice when he realizes he's throwing money away by having to replace it, again.
Comment: #41
Posted by: LibraryKat
Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:44 PM
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Re: jar8818 That's classified information.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Michael
Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:22 PM
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Re: Michael
Hee hee hee ho ho ho HAW HAW HAW HAW!
Comment: #43
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:45 PM
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Michael:
Which really means, you don't have an explanation. Right?? :>D
Jenna:
Well, no kidding. But it should be important to him because it's important to you. That's called love. You may quote me.
Comment: #44
Posted by: jar8818
Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:33 PM
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Re: jar8818
Yep.
Comment: #45
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Dec 21, 2011 8:45 PM
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Many recipes and package directions give silly or inefficient instructions, as most experienced cooks know. A couple of examples:
One-minute oatmeal – you don't have to boil the water and then add the oatmeal. It can be combined with the correct amount of warm water before cooking. You can add apples, raisins, or cinnamon then too.
Jello can be made reliably in a metal saucepan – measure half the water into the saucepan, boil the water, turn off the heat, add the Jello powder, and stir with a flat whisk until it dissolves, which it will because the water is so hot. To make it set as quickly as possible, put ice cubes in the measure and top it up to make the right amount of cold water. Add the ice water to the hot Jello and stir until the ice cubes dissolve. Transfer to a metal dish and refrigerate.
Cooking is at least 75% technique. I try to show my husband one new thing every time we work together in the kitchen. A silicone spatula got shredded by the blender blades. A non-stick frying pan got ruined by being left on high heat with nothing in it. An antique mixing bowl was perched too high on the drying rack, fell off and broke. I still have to remind him "Plastic to plastic, metal to metal" every now and then. (I keep all the plastic utensils in one drawer, all the metal ones in another.) But he has mastered several breakfast dishes that he likes but I don't care for, and knows to wash the expensive steel knives in hot water as soon as he's done with them, dry them while they're warm, and hang them on the magnetic rack. If my days in the kitchen end too soon, at least he won't starve or go broke eating out for every meal.
Comment: #46
Posted by: Pat
Wed Dec 21, 2011 10:44 PM
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Re: Pat
I like your attitude. You are one pragmatic, organised woman who doesn't sweat the small stuff! Merry Christmas!
Comment: #47
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:42 AM
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Re: jar8818 Right.
Comment: #48
Posted by: Michael
Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:13 PM
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LW1: Tell him you love him but he has to stop destroying the kitchen. If he doesn't get the message smack in the nose with a newspaper the next time he does it.
LW2: Are you crippled? Why aren't you helping your mom maintain the house? Stop worrying so much about cranky grandma and make yourself useful.
Comment: #49
Posted by: Diana
Sun Dec 25, 2011 4:56 PM
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LW1
You may need to indulge in subterfuge to achieve your aim here. Wrap this up as a New Year's Resolution – the family budget must be tightened in lots of ways. One of them is to NOT spend money on new or replacement items for the kitchen. Encourage him to stick to recipes that he knows and that use implements he can't damage. You must be willing to make sacrifices or changes to your habits if he suggests something in return.
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Comment: #50
Posted by: Word A Day Mate
Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:08 PM
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