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Annie's Mailbox®, February 3
Dear Annie: My husband's brother has a 10-year-old son. He's an only child and still sleeps with his parents. He has a perfectly nice bedroom, but they never got around to making him sleep by himself. My brother-in-law travels a great deal for work, and when he's away, “Timmy” sleeps in his mother's bed. When my brother-in-law is home, one of the parents sleeps with Timmy in his bedroom.
During the holidays, things happened that caused problems with the cousins. Timmy doesn't sit at the table for family dinners. He throws tantrums because he doesn't want to eat what everyone else is eating. Of course, his young cousins then copy him and act up the same way. Also, the children help with the cleanup — even the youngest takes her plate to the kitchen. Timmy, however, watches TV. No one insists that he lift a finger.
Timmy has been diagnosed with ADHD, but doesn't he still require structure? His parents have never said “no” to him. He has more toys than a department store. He really is a sweet kid, but has few friends, and because he hasn't been taught better manners, things will only get worse as he gets older. We all feel sorry for this boy.
A few of us have tried talking to his parents. They know they should set some boundaries and work on his behavior, but they haven't done so. Any suggestions? — Concerned Family
Dear Concerned: Parenting is a tough job. It requires that parents do what is best for their child even if it is difficult and taxing for them. Your brother-in-law and his wife have decided it's too much effort to reprogram their son, so they allow him to run the show, and he knows it. Suggest they discuss this with the pediatrician and get a referral for a family counselor who will teach them how to be the parents their child needs.
Dear Annie: I will be 15 in a few days. I need to work up the courage to ask my parents to get me birth control. I don't want my folks to think I'm a slut or anything. But I also don't want to make any mistakes with my love life. I think it's better to be safe than sorry. Can you help me find a way to ask them about it? — The Kid With Angry Parents
Dear Kid: Are you already having sex? Birth control pills contain hormones, and unless you need them, there is no point to flooding your system with unnecessary medication. You are smart to want to be prepared, but we hope you will postpone intimacy for a little while longer. You shouldn't feel rushed or pressured. Try talking to your mother privately when she is calm and relaxed. Explain that you are thinking about sex and want to be ready. Be sure to tell her that you value her input. If you truly listen with an open mind, you both will get through this.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Going Gray and Loving It,” who is 45 and doesn't color her hair.
I started coloring my hair at age 40 to please my husband. He said, “It's not so bad being a grandfather, but it's no fun being married to a grandmother. Please get rid of the gray.” So, for 30-some years, I was a redheaded “hottie” in his eyes.
Recently, after I got smart and tired of coloring every six months, I quit. Guess what? Not one of my silver-haired friends noticed the difference. They accept me at face value and love me just the same as when I was an auburn-haired “beauty.” And I am sure, from up on his cloud, that my husband does, too.
I love my silvered hair. It goes well with everything and gives me an air of respectability. Nice younger men open doors for me, offer to carry my laundry basket and smile. Silver hair is the key to kindness when it's needed. — Been There
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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23 Comments | Post Comment
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Dyeing hair once every six months? No wonder her friends does not mention anything about her hair. They were already used to her gray hair for a long, long time already.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Armando Bonifacio
Wed Feb 3, 2010 12:10 AM
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Dyeing hair once every six months? No wonder her friends does not mention anything about her hair. They were already used to her gray hair for a long, long time already.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Armando Bonifacio
Wed Feb 3, 2010 12:12 AM
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"It's not so bad being a grandfather but it's no fun being married to a grandmother" ??? If my husband said that to me, he would find out, pretty quickly, that it's no fun living with a split lip, either. What a jerk. She's dumb to let him make that decision for her.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Lynn
Wed Feb 3, 2010 2:11 AM
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"It's not so bad being a grandfather but it's no fun being married to a grandmother" ???? If my husband said that to me he would find out, pretty quickly, that it's no fun living with a split lip, either. He's a jerk and she's stupid to let him make that decision for her.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Lynn
Wed Feb 3, 2010 2:13 AM
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"Are you already having sex? Birth control pills contain hormones, and unless you need them, there is no point to flooding your system with unnecessary medication." Hormones or not, if the writer is even thinking about having sex, THIS is the time for her to get a prescription to birth control pills. If she waits until she's already having sex to pursue a prescription, she may wind up with an unplanned pregnancy. All medication has risks, but so does pregnancy, especially an unplanned pregnancy in a 15 year old.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Glenna
Wed Feb 3, 2010 6:16 AM
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I'm pretty sure the hair-dyeing letter contains a typo and she meant to say she was coloring her hair every six WEEKS. No one who needs to color their hair could wait 6 months, there would be 3 or more inches of new growth. And if you have a lot of gray, even 6 weeks is stretching it. I'm speaking from experience.
I finally stopped dyeing myself, and I love the freedom. I also love the shiny silver color, it reflects light gorgeously. I should have stopped sooner.
Comment: #6
Posted by: michele
Wed Feb 3, 2010 7:03 AM
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Re: Glenna ... I agree. If more teens thought ahead like this young lady is doing, teen pregnancy would drop dramatically. I just read a statistic yesterday that teen pregnancy is UP 19% in the state of Alaska. The report is out, and abstinence only education does not work. When I was in high school in the 1970's, if a girl got pregnant and remained so, she had to transfer out to a different school. I didn't know anyone who had a baby in high school. No one wanted the stigma of having to leave their friends and attend the "troubled youth" school. Schools make it easy now. My daughter, who graduated in 1995, said having a baby in high school was the norm. I'm sure 15 years later, it still is. Until society sees teen pregnancy as a BAD thing, it will continue to proliferate.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Nursey
Wed Feb 3, 2010 7:58 AM
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"Concerned'" sees the problem with Timmie, but the family is too lazy and/or intimidated to do anything about it. Maybe they could wake these parents up with a little glimpse at the future. What kind of teenagers steal the keys to the parents' car, do whatever they like, cuss and sometimes assault the parents? The kind that have been coddled and allowed to get away with anything he wants up to the age of 10. These parents are not only raising a monster due to their negligence, they're unleashing a future monster on society. I hope concerned will do more than "gently mention" anything to them because clearly it's going to take more to goad them to action.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Wed Feb 3, 2010 8:18 AM
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The advice to the 15 year old girl was terrible! A 15 year old girl who isn't having sex and considers her parents angry wouldn't even have written you, she is CLEARLY already sexually active! My advice to the girl is tell you parents that you're going to the clinic to get birth control. They might be mad but soon they will realize that it's better than them raising their grandchild for 18 years.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Jenilynn
Wed Feb 3, 2010 11:50 AM
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Re: The Kid:
As a health care professional in a college town, I have to take exception to your answer concerning the pill and pregnancy. Your answer was sadly lacking in not going far enough with your advice. Pregnancy is NOT the only consequence of sexual activity. Congratulating oneself on not being pregnant only to realize several weeks down the road that you have come down with one of the sexually transmitted diseases so prevelant in our society leaves one with much self doubt and saddness. Big whoop, I took the pill.
Comment: #10
Posted by: george
Wed Feb 3, 2010 11:52 AM
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Concerning the 10 year old with behavior issues: Please don't assume that Timmy's parents are at fault. They have sought a diagnosis and been told he has ADHD, so they already know he has issues. But this may not be an accurate diagnosis, or they may not be telling you the whole story. With the behavior you describe he could very possibly have an autism spectrum disorder, like Asperger's Syndrome, or another disability. These kids and adults, like Timmy, have poor social skills and few friends, and must follow a specific routine or their world falls apart. This would explain why he won't eat "what everybody else is eating" and throws a "tantrum." What may look like indulgence to outsiders might be the only way they can all cope. Family gatherings are very, very difficult for families with these issues because of the criticisms and judgments made by well meaning relatives. Please back off. The fact that you say he's a sweet kid suggests that there's a lot more going on here than simply a spoiled boy. Neurological issues are "invisible" because the person appears normal, and diagnosis is far from an exact science. Please be loving and accepting. Since he has no siblings, he really needs his cousins to help him learn to be with other children. And please remember this possibility the next time you see a kid screaming in public--he/she may be having an autism-related meltdown and the parents really don't need your disapproval on top of everything else.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Jeanne
Wed Feb 3, 2010 12:14 PM
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My response to the 15 year old "Kid With Angry Parents" would be considerably different, and would mirror advice I gave my own kids when they were teens:
Dear Kid: If you are not old enough to figure out how to get birth control without help from mommy and daddy, you are not old enough to be deciding to be sexually active.
Condoms are now available at every drugstore, no questions asked, and if you are sexually active you should be using a condom -- every time, for every sexual encounter, including oral or anal sex. Pregnancy should not be your only concern, and only condoms ALSO provide risk reduction for sexually transmitted diseases.
Almost every community has a Planned Parenthood where you can go for free advice and help with birth control, should you want to use something IN ADDITION TO condoms.
What's more, if you have a family doctor, you should be able to go to him or her without your parents getting involved (though that may vary; my own agreement with my family physician was that if my kids came in, she was to treat THEM as the patient, with the same respect and privacy rights of any other patient.)
Finally -- you need to be thinking NOW about what you will do should your birth control method fail. They all have success rates, but that means they also have failure rates. Deciding to become sexually active means deciding to risk the possibility of pregnancy, no matter how careful you are. Don't wait until you ARE pregnant to think about how you will handle that situation. (With any luck at all, you'll never have to implement that plan, but this is one of those cases where being prepared can make a significant difference.)
If you CAN talk to your parents about sex, including your own decisions about becoming sexually active, that's a good thing. I would not want to discourage you from doing that.
But I would want to encourage you to take responsibility for your sex life, and that includes taking FULL responsibility for the reduction of risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease, rather than asking for your parents' help.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Marie Houck
Wed Feb 3, 2010 12:33 PM
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My stepson has Asperger's Syndrome. While it's true that he is lacking in some social skills, it is also true that he can learn better behavior. His mother excused everything he did because of his illness. Since I have come into his life, he has learned to stop using his illness as an excuse and to take responsibility for himself. No, he will never be completely "normal", but he is much more pleasant to be around now.
Comment: #13
Posted by: monasue
Wed Feb 3, 2010 12:56 PM
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I've also been dyeing my hair red for over 35 years because my husband said he had always wanted to be married to a redhead, and I figured this was the easiest way to do it. Why do I keep my red hair? It is little enough to do for the man who does everything for me, and loves me as much at 75 as he did when we were both 14 years old. Red-Haired for a Reason
Comment: #14
Posted by: Bettie Cashion
Wed Feb 3, 2010 1:23 PM
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Im a 14 yr old and ive bnn going out with this guy for almost 3 to 4 months and i really love him very much. Its just we barely talk and my parents dont know about us dating. He is 18 yrs old and my parents may ge mad. We have to hide it from them. I know him from relatives but i dont know how t0 make my parents realize that im happy with him and he loves me very much. We wont give up no matter what. We dont see eachother much and its hard for us to do anything together. WHAT SHOULD I DO? PLS HELP ME....
Comment: #15
Posted by: Brenda
Wed Feb 3, 2010 1:32 PM
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In reference to the ADHD child who is receiving no parental guidance, they are not doing that child any favors. As an adult who suffered from undiagnosed ADD, and parent of a child with severe ADHD, I understand that it is difficult to be a parent in that situation. However, ADD and ADHD requires constant, gentle reinforcement of rules and schedules. An ADHD child can accomplish anything any other child can do. Many times these children are highly intelligent, even gifted. Schedules and a structured environment are a must. More than with any other child, ADD & ADHD children need to know what is expected of them, and receive the consequences of their actions. They need lots of encouragement and understanding and attentive supervision. Many times they do not have control over their impulses. They wiggle, tap, investigate, and do things that other children would not do because of consequences. They get an idea, and pursue it, then many times, when told how it affects others, feel guilty. ADHD children can be a blessing too. THey are usually very creative and have a great sense of humor. ADD and ADHD do not have to be treated as a handicap. My child and I celebrate the benefits of our humor and creativity, yet we are responsible for ourselves and our actions.
Comment: #16
Posted by: ADHD Adult w/ child
Wed Feb 3, 2010 2:05 PM
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Re: Jeanne
I have a son who has ADHD and Asperger's. I also reared my kids firmly, not strictly, I never spanked, but there were consequences to their actions. He's now 17 and doing well, but the point is that this child has never had structure. Kids with ADHD and Asperger's do need structure or they're going to act out. At 10, it's almost too late to do anything. I would suggest a counselor, but I also know that an awful lot of parents are very defensive when it comes to judging their child rearing. I learned a long time ago not to assume that others want to hear my advice, and I don't give it. I'd probably just be quiet.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Suze
Wed Feb 3, 2010 3:14 PM
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Re: Nursey. Bull. Abstinence works every time it's tried. It's the only "birth control" or STD prevention method with a 100% success rate. If teens are getting knocked-up or contracting STD's anyway, then that reflects poor judgement on their part and clear lack of moral guidance at home. Don't blame the abstinence education. Condoms fail up to 20% of the time, and furthermore they don't protect the wearer from genital warts, something now carried by around 1 in 5 of the adult population. (While not fatal, there's no cure for that.) I'm a little tired of reading about some girl in her teens who is or is considering becoming sexually active, who is simply told to go out and get birth control. This doesn't address the (very serious) emotional consequences of sex, or her new vulnerability to guys who will simply "love her and leave her" after getting what they want. Lastly, I'm disgusted that nobody mentioned that anyone who has sex with a 15-year-old girl (in nearly any US state) is guilty of statutory rape, which is a serious crime punishable by imprisonment. It will also give the convict a permanent criminal record and require him to register as a sex offender. Now, tell me again that everyone gave this girl good advice. If I were her dad, I'd do whatever I had to, to get control of this situation, enforce some moral discipline, and damn what she (or anyone else) thinks about it. Parents have a duty to prevent their teenage daughters from screwing up their lives. I'm sure all of you hate me for saying this stuff, but that's your problem.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Matt
Thu Feb 4, 2010 12:09 AM
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I'm tired of hearing about everyone going gray. If that's what you want do it but don't try to convince me. Sounds like you all are trying to convince yourselves! I feel like I'm too young to be gray and I'll have plenty of time later. Most people think I still have young children when I have an almost 30 year old. There will be a time when gray is better, but not now.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Kate
Thu Feb 4, 2010 5:15 AM
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This is in response to "Concerned Family". My sister and her husband have always been the same type of parents as Timmy's. My niece is also an only child, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it. I think your advice for Timmy's parents to get parenting counceling was right on the money. What I don't understand is this: why do some parents think it's "easier" to let the kids be and do what they want. I have always taught my children values, boundaries, discipline, etc. Now they are 10, 13, and 16 and I have absolutely no trouble with them. They are so easy to raise, because they no their boundaries and expect to do their chores and get good grades, etc. The parents who think it is too hard to do all that early on only make it harder for themselves when the kids get older!
My niece is now 16 and hell on whelels.... she has run that household since she was born, and nothing has changed, it has only become worse. She's already been in trouble with the law, with her school, with drugs and alcohol, and we'are pretty sure she is sexually active. She's never had boundaries, and now her parents are "trying" to start setting some, and it's not working... she still does what she wants. Very sad... I'm afraid for her future.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Sheryl
Thu Feb 4, 2010 10:05 AM
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Matt, calm down. In an ideal world, abstinence until the proper time is desireable and would be perfect. But it is not enforceable unless you are willling to imprison a child 24 hours a day. You are absolutely right that 15 is statutory rape, and that should have been addressed. But if the partner is also 15 . . . it gets muddy. The Annies missed the boat by focusing on hormones (WHAT??!!!) as if that means anything to a sexually active 15 year old. An STD is a terrible thing, but even more terrible is thoughtlessly bringing an innocent life into the world that will likely have many difficulties due to a lack of maturity on the mother's part. Yes, I know there have been teenage mothers that have done well. They are few and far between.
Comment: #21
Posted by: julia
Fri Feb 5, 2010 2:43 PM
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I am motivated to stop coloring my hair by the above comments .. I am 71, I think I should be allowed to be gray!
Comment: #22
Posted by:
Fri Feb 25, 2011 4:35 AM
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Sadly redheads don't tend to gray well, so many of us dye our hair longer than non-redheads. I started dying my hair at 17 and won't stop until it's turned white! Every time I'm tempted to stop I just look at some old pictures and run for the henna.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Ann
Sun May 8, 2011 5:42 AM
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