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The Lineup

I was talking to a friend who was recently diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma — a young guy (by my lights), in his early 40s, if that; a jock, former varsity athlete, devoted husband and father. By all logic, of the three of us standing around talking, he should have been the most vital, the youngest, strongest and healthiest.

I said all the things you say in such situations: My sister had it almost 30 years ago, and she did fine; if you have to get a cancer, this one is better than most; all the stuff about cure rates, and the new drugs that don't make you nearly as sick as my sister was in her day. I remembered my friend Kath calling me after her initial biopsy showed cancer cells and saying, "Pray lymphoma." I told that part of the story.

My friend took it all in and said all the things you say: that he was grateful that it was caught at an early stage, that the doctors, nurses and technicians at City of Hope are phenomenal, that the treatments are not nearly as bad as he feared. We joked about shaving his head.

And then he said that's all true, but when you think about the 10 people who have what you have standing in a line and know that one of you will not be cured and will die...

It's not a lineup any of us would want to be in.

But then, aren't we all, whether we know it or not?

Kath didn't have lymphoma, after all. She had thymic carcinoma and was gone in two months.

Even now, seven months later, I find it hard to believe and accept. She took care of herself. She got all her tests. We were supposed to sit together on the porch in our old age.

What happened to the connection between cause and fact? Why her and not all those people who drink too much and take drugs and never exercise? Why does my young friend have cancer instead of all those smokers and sitters out there?

There is no answer, as anyone who has faced loss knows. (And who hasn't?) Even asking the question gets you nowhere. There is no explanation when cause and effect are disconnected, which is why it is so terrifying.

I prayed for lymphoma, and it wasn't that. I prayed that she could survive anyway, and she didn't. I prayed that she would not face terrible pain, and she did. None of my prayers were "answered," in that cause and effect sense, and yet I keep praying.

I pray for my cousin with lung cancer and my friend with lymphoma. I pray for Rosie, who helped me raise my children and who had lung cancer two years ago. I pray for my sister, who was diagnosed with breast cancer decades after the lymphoma. I pray for my brother and his damaged heart, and for my children and my nephews.

I pray to fill the gap between cause and effect. I pray for the strength to get up every day knowing that all of us, and all of those we love, forever live in that lineup my friend so fears, whether we know it or not.

To find out more about Susan Estrich and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Comments

3 Comments | Post Comment

Thanks for a compassionate and realistic essay that I hope will move others to stop blaming the sick for their own sickness. Science makes us think that we know the cause of some diseases, like lung cancer, diabetes, heart disease, cirrhosis, AIDS, so we come up short on compassion when they get a disease they "caused" themselves, even people we love and admire for all they have done for us and others. It's so dehumanizing and degrading. But science cannot tell us the causes of many other diseases...yet...so those who are afflicted with those diseases we can still safely lavish our compassion upon and get angry at the "injustice" of it all. THEY didn't "ask for it." It just happened to THEM. When the truth is known, we will find that every disease has some element of lifestyle choice, some mental "consent" to risk one's own health and life for some pleasure or achievement and gratification, some harmful pattern of thinking or spiritual laziness. And that disease does "just happen" to some people but not to others. All have sinned. Judge not. We are not in charge.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Laurie Craw
Wed Feb 2, 2011 7:35 PM

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Only God knows. If one is a religious person you know why humans suffer. It's not neccesarily the air we breath or the food we eat. Death comes at any time, any place; just be prepared for the glorious life hereafter, if you believe.

Comment: #2
Posted by: Early
Thu Feb 3, 2011 5:09 AM

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First of all condolences for the loss of your friend. I do however take tremendous offense to the line: "Why her and not all those people who drink too much and take drugs and never exercise." As it ever even occurred to you that not everyone may have had the same childhood as you may have had? I was molested and raped 5 times between the ages of 7 and 17. I had a mentally ill, and emotionally abusive family, and not only were any of the things that happened to me EVER mentioned again, I was considered an "embarrassment" to the family. I had no idea as a young girl what to do with all this pain and shame. In the 60's and 70's in small town Alabama, there was no help for "white trash." Indeed, the police would rarely even respond. So guess what, I turned to drugs and alcohol. I have suffered for many years with PTSD, and coped the only way I knew how. Actually was able to have a fairly successful career, and raised a wonderful child as a single mother. For the last 12 years I suffered from an undiagnosed physical condition, that caused further depression and anxiety. After emergency surgery, and being forced to retire as disabled at age 54, do I now have time to finally get some help. Our small town has thankfully finally caught up with the times, and help is available. I no longer drink and do drugs, but still have a long way to go to be able to find peace. Sure, there are people that just refuse to grow up, but there are also people out there that drink and do drugs because they have NO OTHER WAY TO COPE. It was NOT MY FAULT. Do you really think that people like me deserve to have cancer more than your friends? They may have had many years of a happy and peaceful life before thay became ill. Just want people to understand, that things are not always what they look like at first glance. The old saying "walk a mile in my shoes", should be kept in mind as much as possible, especially when writing at a national level. I say shame on you, but hope this can make a difference somehow.

Comment: #3
Posted by: jessie
Fri Feb 4, 2011 6:01 AM

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