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Roger Simon
Roger Simon
29 Oct 2014
Down the Opium Rathole

If you spent 13 years pounding money down a rathole with little to show for it, you might wake up one morning … Read More.

22 Oct 2014
Fear Is Good

Can you get the light out of my eyes? No. Can you loosen the handcuffs? No. Why am I here? You coughed. … Read More.

15 Oct 2014
You Never Had It So Good. Not.

I hardly know where to begin. Ebola continues to spread around the world; the Islamic State pushes closer to … Read More.

Simon Says

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Simon Says:

You aren't human if you didn't get a lump in your throat when you saw the video of Ted Kennedy throwing out the first pitch at Fenway Park the other day.

The latest New York Times-CBS poll asked people how they voted in the last election. The result: 43 percent said they voted for Barack Obama, and 25 percent said they voted for John McCain. But, in reality, 53 percent voted for Obama and 46 percent voted for McCain. Does this tell you something about people's memories? Or their honesty? Or the accuracy of polls? Or all of the above?

"Slumdog Millionaire" was good, but it wasn't that good.

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele has to be a Democratic mole. There is no other explanation.

Spice of the Month: smoked paprika. You can use it on everything from German potato salad to sore feet. (OK, so I am making up the sore feet part. But you can use it on a lot of stuff.)

For a guy who was never in the military, President Obama seems very comfortable when visiting troops. I never got that impression with either Bill Clinton or George W. Bush. And the troops seem very comfortable with Obama.

Admit it: You are always a little nervous when you dump a Canadian quarter on someone. (And you always try to figure out who dumped it on you.)

Do they still sell all-day suckers? And have they ever really lasted all day?

People who snore on airplanes should be ejected at 30,000 feet.

I always learn something from reading The New Yorker. This week I learned that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is "tiny — about 5 feet tall." This could explain a lot.

You're really old if you can remember what a test pattern was.

How come there aren't more women dentists?

Paperback Pick of the Month: "The White Tiger" by Aravind Adiga.

For all the tearing of hair and gnashing of teeth by defense contractors over Defense Secretary Robert M.

Gates' new "leaner" 2010 budget, Gates wants to spend $20 billion more on defense in 2010 than in 2009, for a total of $534 billion. Pretty soon we're going to be talking about real money.

Elevator doors never close convincingly on TV shows.

People who file their nails at the office should be beaten with sticks.

Does anyone still use a trash compactor? Why?

I refuse to believe there is a difference between French and Catalina dressing.

OK, this is driving me crazy: Why does David Letterman look offstage and tap his left wrist with the first two fingers of his right hand at the beginning of every show?

Here is my secret tip for solving all Sudoku puzzles: 9. You can thank me later.

Not even Nicolas Sarkozy pronounces his last name correctly.

Cooking Tip of the Month: To keep bacon from splattering, always place it in a cold pan. (Or just stick the bacon in the microwave like everybody else does.)

Thomas Jefferson knew how to handle pirates. Haven't we learned anything since 1801?

I was from Chicago before being from Chicago was fashionable.

The old saying is true: A recession is when your neighbor is out of work; a depression is when you are out of work.

To find out more about Roger Simon, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009, CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.



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