creators.com opinion web
Conservative Opinion General Opinion
Roger Simon
Roger Simon
29 Oct 2014
Down the Opium Rathole

If you spent 13 years pounding money down a rathole with little to show for it, you might wake up one morning … Read More.

22 Oct 2014
Fear Is Good

Can you get the light out of my eyes? No. Can you loosen the handcuffs? No. Why am I here? You coughed. … Read More.

15 Oct 2014
You Never Had It So Good. Not.

I hardly know where to begin. Ebola continues to spread around the world; the Islamic State pushes closer to … Read More.

GOP Wants YOU for Its Nominee

Comment

Do YOU need a JOB?

Or are YOU in a DEAD-END job with LITTLE chance of ADVANCEMENT?

Are you BORED? FIDGETY? DISCONNECTED from REALITY and possessing certain DELUSIONAL tendencies?

Do you believe in a MOON COLONY?

Would you like NASCAR, NFL team owners and other NE'ER-DO-WELLS to SUCK UP to YOU?

Or are you just eager to IMPOSE your own PERSONAL RELIGIOUS BELIEFS on the rest of the AMERICAN PEOPLE?

In that case: Would YOU like to be the PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE of the UNITED STATES REPUBLICAN PARTY?

This is no JOKE, SCAM OR PHISHING swindle! Send no MONEY to FOREIGN PRINCES. No HOOKERS will call.

On the contrary, vast sums of MONEY will be sent to YOU by SUPER PACS!

The SECOND OLDEST political party in the United States, with 158 YEARS of PROVEN EXPERIENCE and a PROUD HISTORY that counts among its members ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THEODORE ROOSEVELT and KARL ROVE NEEDS YOU.

This party is a FIXER-UPPER but with UNLIMITED POTENTIAL!

All it needs is VISION, PURPOSE, ORGANIZATION, the ABILITY TO CONNECT WITH ORDINARY PEOPLE, PROOF that it does not HATE women, Latinos, the poor, the ill, the downtrodden and other lazy bums who leach off society.

THIS PERSON CAN BE YOU!

THERE ARE NO BACKGROUND CHECKS REQUIRED!

HAVE AN EXCESS OF FORMER SPOUSES?

A PENCHANT FOR FANATICISM?

OR EVEN PAST CRUELTY TO ANIMALS?

THIS IS NOT A DEAL-BREAKER!

A team of PROFESSIONALS, the same people who vetted SARAH PALIN, will WORK with you, bring you UP TO SPEED and even provide you with a FABULOUS WARDROBE.

NERVOUS? Do NOT be!

Your COMPETITION is NOT that tough.

On Tuesday, in an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, GOP front-runner Mitt Romney said, "Sen. Santorum is at the desperate end of his campaign."

Within a few hours, Sen. Santorum would win the primaries in Alabama and Mississippi, and Romney would come in third.

So ask yourself: Could I be SMARTER than MITT ROMNEY?

Would I not have WAITED for Santorum to ACTUALLY LOSE before announcing the DESPERATE END of his campaign?

But wait! There's more.

Romney also said Santorum "is trying in some way to boost his prospects. And, frankly, misrepresenting the facts is not a good way of doing that."

Does it occur to you that this statement is more than a little DIM?

Does it occur to you that MISREPRESENTING THE FACTS is an EXCELLENT way to get the Republican nomination?

So remember: THIS is your competition for the nomination! Feel BETTER? Less NERVOUS?

As an added benefit, it will be possible for you and your crackerjack staff to speak in tongues.

Alice Stewart, the Santorum press secretary, said on CNN, "Romney is not resonating the base."

Do not worry.

We will make sure YOU have your BASE RESONATED every 5,000 miles!

And do not be nervous about making BROAD, SWEEPING STATEMENTS that will come back to haunt you in the general election in November. All you have to do is win the REPUBLICAN NOMINATION and COAST from there.

So Mitt Romney made no GAFFES when he told a Missouri TV station this week: "Planned Parenthood, we're going to get rid of that. The subsidy for Amtrak, I'd eliminate that, the National Endowment for the Arts (and) the National Endowment for the Humanities."

These savings should help PAY FOR Romney's plans to cut taxes on the SUPER RICH.

But think there is no time to still enter and win? WRONG!

The nominee will need 1,144 delegates at the Republican National Convention — and yes, as the REPUBLICAN NOMINEE you will get a FREE trip for you and your family to TAMPA, FLORIDA, in LATE AUGUST, where we will arrange 10 PERCENT OFF TICKETS to Adventure Island, where you can "splash your way through more than 700 feet of twists and turns, water mines and a grand finale plunge into a refreshing pool."

But will somebody beat you to those 1,144 delegates? NO!

In an effort to become more like the DEMOCRATIC PARTY, the REPUBLICAN PARTY adopted rules this year guaranteeing TOTAL CHAOS because the DEMOCRATS always seemed to have so much more fun with their total chaos.

This is why Newt Gingrich believes nobody can get a majority of the delegates before the convention, which will lead to a wild, possibly suicidal, floor fight.

"When the primaries are over and it is clear nobody has won, who will do the best job against Barack Obama?" Gingrich asked this week.

The ANSWER may be YOU!

If in November, gasoline is $12.99 per gallon, unemployment is 15 percent and even Mitt Romney is forced to sell one of his bicoastal Cadillacs, the United States may descend into a state of CHAOS, TURMOIL and ZOMBIE ATTACKS, making the Republican nominee look MARGINALLY ACCEPTABLE.

So you have a chance to ENTER, RUN and WIN IT ALL.

We even have your CAMPAIGN SLOGAN ready for you:

Vote for ME. How much WORSE can I be than the REST of them?

To find out more about Roger Simon, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM



Comments

3 Comments | Post Comment
This is stupid. After one good article, this douchbag is back to the same old garbage. Can't defend obama, might as well attack these guys. What else is there to write about?
Comment: #1
Posted by: Chris McCoy
Fri Mar 16, 2012 11:18 AM
Freaking GREAT, MASTERFUL, Ridiculously funny! Roger, this column is right up there with your absolute best! This column will be one to send out and share with everyone. Wickedly funny take on the state of the GOP!
Between Sweeney's common sense responses and Roger's sense of the not-so-absurd, today CS has proven to be a great read.
Comment: #2
Posted by: demecra zydeem
Sat Mar 17, 2012 11:18 AM
Re: demecra zydeem

Great response demecra, now I have one very serious problem:

Mr. Simon, you owe me for a new laptop, yes, because of you I choked on a pepsi and spewed it all over my laptop. I insist in the future that you have a warning, this article will make you laugh so hard that will up your chuckies.

Standing up clapping, cheering, and stomping,
Magnificent,
Two thumbs up,
boffo,
encore,
here, here,
just damn good,
did I mention I liked it?
Comment: #3
Posted by: Bloom Hilda
Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:36 PM
Already have an account? Log in.
New Account  
Your Name:
Your E-mail:
Your Password:
Confirm Your Password:

Please allow a few minutes for your comment to be posted.

Enter the numbers to the right:  
Creators.com comments policy
More
Roger Simon
Oct. `14
Su Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa
28 29 30 1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30 31 1
About the author About the author
Write the author Write the author
Printer friendly format Printer friendly format
Email to friend Email to friend
View by Month
Marc Dion
Marc DionUpdated 3 Nov 2014
Mark Shields
Mark ShieldsUpdated 1 Nov 2014
Joe Conason
Joe ConasonUpdated 1 Nov 2014

14 Dec 2007 Chaotic Race Leaves GOP Hanging

27 Feb 2013 Sequestration: Bring It On!

9 May 2008 Tough Road Ahead for Clinton