Working Like a Goat, Voting Like a SheepIn Portland, Ore., where everyone starts the day by drinking a cup of rainforest-friendly coffee, putting on a rain hat and shooting heroin, goats are joining the workforce, displacing workers who might have cleared brush by hand. It's official. Every life-form on earth can now take a job that used to be held by an American male who did not go to college. The goats are being rented out to folks who want brush cleared from empty urban lots. Goats do not get time off, insurance or workers comp. They're using the lop-eared, devil-eyed little weed-munchers elsewhere, too, including Idaho and Washington state. An Associated Press story says a California fire marshal called goats his 3,000 non-unionized employees. Funny, no? No. The fire marshal in question, wisely unnamed in the AP story, should be taken somewhere quiet and smacked around by out-of-work people who would love to get a union job, buy a small house, pay taxes and, in general, pay the damn fire marshal's salary. I see a big future in this utilization of animals to compete with unemployed American working people. Got a garbage problem? Get some tame rats to eat the stuff. Septic tank full? There's gotta be some kind of fish that will eat human crap. Monkeys working construction. Bears working as moving men. It'll be like living in a wild animal park. Best of all, no one will be getting a paycheck, no one will have insurance, and no one will have the dreaded union card. Guys like the fire marshal will continue to have their jobs.
Oh, yeah. The guys at the top will be fine. Always are. The women working in mid-level management will be fine, too. But the guys at the bottom, the working people, they will be replaced by unpaid sheep or cows, maybe microbes, paramecia, any slightly less complex protein that doesn't want anything, can't demand anything and can be slaughtered when it's too old for the work. It's Rick Perry's dream. Too old to work? Right this way. The man with the hammer is waiting. Sick? We'll put you down. Social Security is a Ponzi scheme, and disability is a con game, but killing you when you're too old to work is clean as a West Texas breeze. But as our masters tell us whenever good jobs vanish, it's our own fault for wanting too much. We're bad workers. We're lazy workers. We have to learn to compete. And we can. You want a job? Get down on your hands and knees, and eat grass. Eat garbage. Strip naked, too. Goats don't need clothes, and these days, if you want to work, you have to want less than a goat. Fertilize the land with your droppings. When the boss comes near, lick his hand. That's the best way to show that, unlike bad, lazy workers, you don't have a sense of entitlement. Entitlement is bad. You deserve nothing for your work. Job security makes you lazy. Good wages make you uncompetitive. Health insurance keeps you alive after Jesus wants you to die. See how it is? You start by feeling you're entitled to health insurance, and you end up defying Jesus. In the new America, every question has the same answer. Baaaaah! To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit, www.creators.com COPYRIGHT 2011 BY CREATORS.COM 
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