Playing the Envy Game
Ah, yes, the "name game song." Remember? It was a stupid but popular feature of my youth, when like today, many stupid things were popular.
You could take any person's name and insert it into the song. Remember?
It was cute as lace pajamas.
Now, when some corn state governor wants to strip the bargaining rights from union workers, it's the envy song that's goin' round.
See, used to be if an American heard that someone made more money than he did, the American said, "Jeez, how do I get up there where he is?"
Now, when an American hears that someone else has a bigger paycheck, more vacation or a better health plan, the American says: "That's not fair! How do I drag him down here with me?"
The one thing every American believes is that everyone else earns too much money. You do not earn too much money. Other people do. In fact, you should make more money. And you can fit any occupation into the "envy game song."
Teachers are easy. They don't work in the summer. They get off work at 3 p.m.
But if you apply the envy song, every occupation is filled with time-serving droolers who make way too much money.
Cops? Yeah. Doughnut-munching dumb-asses who drive around aimlessly all the time. If the cops knew what they were doing, it wouldn't be so easy to buy drugs. These guys oughta be making $5 an hour.
Insurance people? In my state, car insurance is MANDATORY. What's to sell? Give 'em $6 an hour, no bennies.
Waitresses? Put on too much eye makeup and carry a tray and, bingo, you're a waitress! Don't tip her. It's not your fault she didn't finish high school.
Middle-level management. Puh-leeze! They don't do the actual work, and they're too stupid to climb into upper management, which means they're too stupid to kiss butt. Forty thousand a year? I don't think so.
Carpenters? You can teach a monkey to swing a hammer. Mechanics? Wrench-twisting guys in Harley-Davidson shirts who get $20 an hour for what? Plugging your car into a computer to find out what's wrong. These guys oughta get maybe $3 an hour.
Firefighters? These people get paid to sleep at work. Sure, they ran into the Twin Towers and died, but if they're worth their bloated pay, how come the towers fell down?
Retail people? C'mon. Those are the monkeys who weren't smart enough to become carpenters. Give 'em $1 an hour, no breaks.
Small-business owners? Yeah. They "create jobs." If that's true, how come nobody's working? Tax their profits until they're living on $5,000 a year.
The military? They only work when there's a war. And don't believe that "dying for freedom" crap, either. Most of 'em come home. And for that they get free clothes, free food and free artificial legs. Don't pay these people anything at all. No money. The only reason you join the military is because you're too stupid to get a real job.
Doctors? Sooner or later, all their patients die. Take away their BMWs, and make 'em live on $7 an hour. Let 'em take the bus to work.
Envy, envy bo-benvy.
What's amazing is that, in this sea of incompetent, lazy spider monkeys, public and private, unionized and otherwise, you have remained pure.
You and only you.
You rise early. You work hard. You give 110 percent, mathematically impossible though that may be. You don't NEED a union. You can take care of yourself. If the company replaces your pension with a 401k, you bite the bullet and contribute $20 a week out of your paycheck because you are self-reliant. Anyway, how long can you live after you retire? Not long if you don't eat.
You're a diamond. An example to us all.
And after they get the money away from the teachers and the plumbers and the cops and the cab drivers, they're going to give you a raise and lower your taxes, right?
Because that's how it always works.
To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.
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