I Wanna Be a Sheep, I Swear
All I really want to do is believe.
I want to swim in belief. I want to breath belief. I want to heat up a can of belief-aroni for supper. I want to buy a six-pack of belief-weiser tall boys and drink 'em on my porch.
When someone says to me, "My son died in Iraq last week," I want to say, "He died fighting for oil."
When someone tells me they saw President Obama on television, I want to say: "He's not even an American. He wants us all to work for the state and live on rations issued by the many-tentacled Zionist Occupation Government."
I want to believe Jon Stewart is a reporter. I want to believe Rush Limbaugh is a reporter. I want to believe the end of the world is next Tuesday, foretold by my preacher, who runs a church in a strip mall next to a tire place. I want to believe civil rights means third-graders have to learn what it's like to be a cross-dresser.
I want to believe that gun control is the only thing you need to think about before you vote. Or gay marriage. Or abortion.
I want to believe my daughter was young and made a mistake. I want to believe your daughter is a pregnant slut without a husband.
I want to be straight ahead, straight forward, a soldier of the left or the right. I want to be able to watch a gay marriage rally or a tea party rally without making a joke.
I want certainty.
I want to be dead serious. If I joke at all, I want it to be about welfare mothers and their bastard children or about a bunch of swishy-poos taking over the military.
I want to call talk radio every day and call the president "Obama bin Laden." I want to call talk radio every day and call Sarah Palin "Snowjob Squareglasses."
I wanna bumper sticker that says, "Liberals are destroying America," or, "Conservatives are sub-humans and should all be killed, but only by humane methods after a proper trial."
Killing. Oh, God, yes! I want killing. I want drug dealers hung. I want bigots shipped off to camps and gassed.
I never want to feel the ground under my feet shift.
I want to go to a church where everyone thinks like me. I want to watch television news that agrees with me. I want newspapers that agree with me. I want comedians, preachers, columnists and the other people at work to agree with me.
I want to believe, and I want you to believe what I believe, and if you don't I want to smash you into silence, to shoot you, to starve you, to take you apart and send the pieces back to Jesus for reassembly.
I want to be the kind of sheep who calls people on the other side "sheep," as though we were not all walking in the same flock.
America is a pain in the ass because you're supposed to think all the time, to keep evaluating and re-evaluating, to meld original principles with changing times.
But if you can pick one thing, one true left/right, conservative/liberal thing, and you can make that everything you believe, you can quit thinking once and for all.
And you can believe.
Do you believe?
To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.
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