We all have heard the horror stories about growing old and only being able to afford dog food. The good news?

Dog food seems to be really improving.

Duck into a chichi pet store (you know you're there if the berets have chin straps) and you will find the kind of food formerly associated with only the fanciest, er, feasts.

One shop I popped into sells cans of wet food made from duck. Not chuck. Duck. And if Fido — ha, as if anyone names a dog Fido anymore. Let's say, "Spence." If Spence gets bored, you can always tempt him with the other options — chicken with apples, lamb with brown rice, New Zealand venison with sweet potatoes...

Get me a bowl!

In fact, get me some fur and a collar. Enough with the working-gal routine. It's impossible to get ahead. Anyone who really wants to live the life of a yuppie these days has got to grow a tail.

Take housing, for instance. Tail-free, it can run you $1 million for a pad where I live — New York City. (Yes, even after the crash.) But if you're, say, a gerbil, you can get a "small-animal high-rise" — a whole building to yourself! — for something like $30. And that includes a wet bar!

Well, a wet water bottle, hanging upside down. Take a sip, and then start your day (or night, if you're nocturnal) enjoying all the toys and treats invented expressly for you. Toys such as the Critter Operated Chopper — a working motorcycle for hamsters. Treats such as Yogies real yogurt treats for rats and hamsters — available in, of course, cheese flavor. If you're a rabbit, you can always nibble on your Bunny Ka-Bob — a metal stick on which master can lovingly skewer your veggies (until she gets bored and starts letting your cage smell). Or you could play with your Bunny Shake 'n' Chew — a rattle for bunnies.

Do bunnies really like rattles? We don't know; they're not talking.

Anyway, though it's good to be a rodent or a lagomorph, it's even better to be a feline — and not just for the obvious food chain reasons. It's mostly because cats have even more toys, food options and best-selling mysteries written about them. Also, Wal-Mart is selling catnip bubbles. Really! It's good to be a cat.

But dogs are clearly the top of the heap.

Tuckered out after your duck dinner, doggy? Petco has an entire aisle labeled "Orthopedic Beds." Your own back may be killing you because you're too cheap to get that miracle mattress you saw on TV, but Fido — er — Spence can curl up in spine-massaging comfort.

Come the next morning, he can trot over to day care. Not just any day care. The right kind. Biscuits & Bath, a successful chain of dog "24-hour care" centers, offers cardiovascular workouts, nutrition consultations, weight-loss classes and toothbrushing, though savvy masters may simply shop elsewhere for doggy "breath tabs."

The fact that a dog with minty-fresh breath who brunched with friends, ate duck for dinner and curled up to sleep on a Posturepedic is not living the life that God intended doesn't matter. He's living a dog's life — the kind most of us can only dream of.

It's enough to give one paws.

Lenore Skenazy is the author of "Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)" and "Who's the Blonde That Married What's-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know — But Can't Remember Right Now." To find out more about Lenore Skenazy ([email protected]) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.