Obama, Haiti and Lard

Can't stomach any more Haiti broadcasts? Maybe you don't have to. If you watched Katrina unfold or the tsunami or, way back when, even the famine in Biafra, you probably know the story arc already:

After the initial horror, something else unbelievably awful happens in the same unbelievably sad place (aftershocks, chaos, cholera). Meanwhile, there's a huge outpouring of cash, much of which, we later will learn, didn't get where we'd hoped it would. We'll wish to God we'd had better planning and oversight, and there will be some high-level reports — and finger-pointing — about how we must do better next time. We'll agree that starts by staying focused.

Except that the next time the media actually DO focus on Haiti, it'll be in late December, when they put out their "Biggest Stories of 2010" lists, at which point we'll think: "The earthquake! Wow! Was it really THIS year?"

And speaking of predictable news cycles, it is not at all surprising to those of us who have witnessed a political tide or two to see a "referendum" on the president expressed via a local vote.

Shocking that "Ted Kennedy's" Senate seat went to a Republican? Only if you think that people are usually very happy with what they get — or at least patient when it comes to waiting for their dreams to come true.

Does that describe the average American voter — or even the average American drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, waiting for his Coke and fries? Not exactly. Americans are outraged when everything is not perfect THIS INSTANT (and preferably cheap and calorie-free). And how do they express that rage?

They vote! After these angry Americans swing to the left, they swing to the right, and then they swing to the left again and — oh, I'm sorry! Did I ruin the surprise for you?

Spoiler alert: If you don't want to know what other "shocking" developments are coming our way in the next decade or so, stop reading NOW.

Because here's the deal:

After a few more years of standardized tests, the education bureaucracy is going to come up with a brilliant new way of measuring students' success: They will (drumroll, please) NOT use standardized tests. They'll use student pantomimes or clay figurines or something, but not tests, which will be shown to be not only inaccurate but also harmful.

Moreover, after determining that eggs are bad for you (ditto: coffee, hormone replacements, MSG, lard, margarine, salt, plastic bottles and crack), scientists will discover that they possess a certain chemical that actually protects against heart disease, Alzheimer's or cancer. My bet is that lard protects against all three.

Wait a few minutes — or years — and the folks who fought against nuclear power will embrace it as an ecological godsend (actually, that might be happening already), almost as wondrous as genetically modified corn. Meanwhile, the corporate interests who fought tooth and expense account against higher taxes will be begging Sarah Palin to pass universal health care.

The companies that make smart phones will be sued by Mothers Against Texts, leaving Ford's new high-tech-everything car in the dust. Clever Volvo will clean up with a car that automatically turns off all electronics when the engine starts.

The coal-powered engine, that is. Because electric cars are so-o-o- 2012.

The car's radio, however, still will work, just like the old days. And when you turn it on, you will hear a commercial. In fact, you'll hear about 17 in a row, including four for car insurance, before they finally get back to the music.

Because some things never change.

Lenore Skenazy is the author of "Who's the Blonde That Married What's-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know — But Can't Remember Right Now" and "Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry." To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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