In the eons between the time a presidential speech is scheduled to begin and the time it actually does, we viewers at home are left to watch this on our screens: People in the great hall, shaking hands. A shot of the podium. A shot of the flag. People in the hall again, shaking hands, possibly of the same people again, just to have something to do.

Over this scintillating footage, the commentators must keep talking until something actually happens. Usually what they say is this:

"There's the senator from South Dakota. I believe he voted no on Bill 5326 back in '85."

"That was the bill to make cod our national fish, was it not, Fenster?"

"Actually, I believe that was the bill to abolish the job of vice president, Bucky." (Collegial laughter as the rest of us wonder: WHICH WAS IT?)

"Speaking of fish, Buck, there's been a lot of confusion about the president's health care bill. His speech tonight could be a make-or-break moment, like Millard Fillmore's 'Tough Tootsies, Texas' speech."

"Or not." (More collegial laughter.) "Fact is it could be a great speech that's remembered for just one unfortunate slip, like President Garfield's 'Gone Whalin'" debacle."

"Oof! Who could forget that!"

"Worse than Zachary Taylor on a bad day!"

And so on.

In the interests of giving us viewers a reason not to switch to the Pet Food Channel, here is the script we'd like to hear:

Commentator No. 1: Well, the speech tonight is going to be about an hour long. So if you left something on the stove, turn it off now. Or at least go check on it when the president starts talking about personal responsibility. That should be about 10 minutes in.

Commentator No. 2: Hate to interrupt you, bub, but who is THAT we're seeing on the screen right now?

No. 1: Who?

No. 2: The white-haired guy.

No. 1: They're ALL white-haired guys.

No. 2: Well — true! But I was talking about the one who looks like the guy who used to squeeze the Charmin.

No. 1: Oh, jeez, I can never remember his name. Does it really matter? Anyway, the real question is why is the lady in front of him wearing a red suit?

No. 2: They're ALL wearing red suits.

No. 1: Bada bing! There must be one mall in D.C. where everyone shops.

No. 2: Except Michelle.

No. 1: She looks mad to me. She look mad to you?

No. 2: She's waiting for her husband to get the show on the road. My wife looks like that all the time. Usually she's already in the car, the kids are fighting in the back seat, and I can't find my wallet.

No. 1: I knew I recognized that look.

Commentator No. 3: Gentlemen, if I could just interject, I hear that the president's speech is going to be historic not so much for what he says, but how he says it.

No. 1: I can't believe you get paid to say that kind of stuff.

No. 3: Wha?!

No. 1: "It could be a great speech or a not-so-great speech. It could define his presidency — or not." That kind of stuff.

No. 3: That's what the producer told me to say! "Just waffle and fill the dead air."

No. 1: Don't listen to him! He used to work at C-SPAN! You gotta call it like you see it!

No. 3: You mean like, "Here comes Obama. He ... uh ... he sure knows how to wear a suit"?

No. 2: Exactly!

No. 3: And, "McCain looks like he swallowed a chipmunk"?

No. 1: Yes!

No. 3: And, "I wonder if Joe Biden realized he'd have to sit next to Nancy Pelosi for four years?"

No. 1: Yes! And now be quiet; the speech is about to begin.

No. 3: The speech that COULD define his presidency but will probably end up being about nonprofit health care co-ops, which is a concept none of us will understand five minutes after this is over and we all start yelling "Commie!" and "Limbaugh Lobotomite" again?

No. 1 and No. 2: NOW you're talking!

Applause.

Lenore Skenazy is the author of "Who's the Blonde That Married What's-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know — But Can't Remember Right Now" and "Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry." To find out more about Lenore Skenazy ([email protected]) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.