creators.com opinion web
Conservative Opinion General Opinion
Lenore Skenazy
Lenore Skenazy
30 Oct 2014
What to Really Be Afraid of on Halloween

Happy Halloween! It's that time of year when your neighbors are secretly unwrapping candy, brushing lollipops … Read More.

30 Oct 2014
Making Convenience a Crime

The editorial below ran in the Calgary Herald more than a month ago, and I am only just getting around to … Read More.

23 Oct 2014
(Dirty) Thought Crimes

A man in Britain has been convicted for his fantasies. Robul Hoque, 39, was found guilty of downloading "… Read More.

April Is the Scariest Month

Comment

At last, it's spring! Planning a picnic? Well, uh, I really hope you come out alive, but if you don't, may I have your margarita?

No, seriously, it's just that the odds don't look too good. If you read the papers or listen to pretty much anyone on TV, you must realize that you are about to engage in an activity right up there with scaling Mount Everest with Khloe Kardashian as your guide.

Like, you probably are planning to have that picnic outside, right? In the sun? So you know enough to slather on the sunblock to prevent skin cancer, right? Except that I read a study that says sunblock also prevents the body from making vitamin D. And vitamin D prevents cancer. Even skin cancer! So for every cancer death the sunblock is blocking, it's blocking the vitamin D from preventing other deaths. Got that? So to be safe, put on the block; go out; avoid the sun; come in; wash it off; and go back out and GET some sun — but maybe the dappled kind, under a tree. And never between 11 a.m. and 3 p.m.

And hey, when and if you do brave the outdoors to (yikes!) relax, be sure to drink plenty of water. Just don't drink too much water, or you'll flood your blood, like those marathoners who hydrated themselves to death.

Of course, if you prudently choose to hold off on the sipping, you should bring your glass in right away. Otherwise, it's nothing more than stagnant water. A pool party for mosquitoes, who not only can carry West Nile virus but also bite, causing itching, which must be addressed with extreme caution.

"Keep nails trimmed and clean so that if you scratch yourself, you won't be inviting an infection." That's what I read in one very helpful (though not particularly upbeat) article on summer fun.

To avoid all that, you might just want to nix the liquids and enjoy a solid-food-only picnic.

Just don't bring any foods with mayo; otherwise, you could get salmonella poisoning. And don't bring undercooked chicken; otherwise, salmonella. No overcooked chicken, either; otherwise, salmo— nope. Fooled ya! Over-grilled chicken is carcinogenic.

You also don't want to serve up anything with carbs, fats or sugars, for obvious reasons (obesity, heart attack, diabetes). Or salt (hypertension). Or meat (just read a new study saying anyone eating red meat will die by Friday). And no snacks on skateboards!

For, as you well know, this is the season for skateboard injuries. Wear a helmet, kneepads and — to save your eyes — sunglasses. Not just any sunglasses. Glasses with 100 percent ultraviolet-protective lenses that extend at least to the sides of your eyes, but preferably all the way back to your ears.

Of course, safety also demands you avoid lawn mowers, dogs, tree pollen, balls, bees, bears, boys and soda. And (if you had weekend plans) red meat.

But a picnic blanket, provided it is not harboring any deadly snakes, could be almost completely safe, provided...

What's that? You're going back inside to nap in your recliner? Well, then...

May I have your margarita?

Lenore Skenazy is the author of "Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)" and "Who's the Blonde That Married What's-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know — But Can't Remember Right Now." To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM



Comments

0 Comments | Post Comment
Already have an account? Log in.
New Account  
Your Name:
Your E-mail:
Your Password:
Confirm Your Password:

Please allow a few minutes for your comment to be posted.

Enter the numbers to the right:  
Creators.com comments policy
More
Lenore Skenazy
Oct. `14
Su Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa
28 29 30 1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30 31 1
About the author About the author
Write the author Write the author
Printer friendly format Printer friendly format
Email to friend Email to friend
View by Month
Authorís Podcast
Jill Lawrence
Jill LawrenceUpdated 30 Oct 2014
Froma Harrop
Froma HarropUpdated 30 Oct 2014
Lenore Skenazy
Lenore SkenazyUpdated 30 Oct 2014

30 Apr 2008 Semi-Nude 15-Year-Olds

3 Feb 2011 No Child Left Outside

28 Jan 2007 Homework's Supermodel Role Model