	24 May 2012 The New Nanny Norm? Our beloved nanny who worked for us for five years — Joan — called to say she's on the job market again.… Read More.
	17 May 2012 Examining Jewish Doctors The middle-aged lady is running frantically down the beach, waving her arms at the lifeguard: "Help, help!… Read More.
	10 May 2012 The Slippery Slope of Parental Advice At the risk of reading a lot — and I mean a LOT — into one cautionary little tale, today we … Read More.

Abolish August!

This may screw up some summer plans, but I'd like to make a modest suggestion: Let's get rid of August.

Really, this month is nothing but a long moan into September. It's hot. It's buggy. It's the Sunday night of months, with school and homework looming and no vacations until what — Columbus Day? By the time you're looking forward to Columbus Day — ah, the fun! The frolic! The festive nothing. There is NO WAY to celebrate Columbus Day! — your life is pretty bleak.

August reminds us of that.

The difference between July and August is the difference between a cool cotton shirt worn over a bikini and a wet wool sweater worn over a too-tight one-piece. Don't ask why anyone would wear a wet wool sweater, OK? Just give me that metaphor. OK, now let's take it into a mediocre restaurant — say, an off-brand Benihana — with a chef who's in his first night on the job, and instead of tossing the shrimp into your mouth, he accidentally tosses the knife. And you're sitting right in front of the air conditioner, and the wool sweater is actually freezing into a sort of suit of armor, really cold, so you can't move. Luckily, the knife misses you — barely — but in awkwardly trying to duck (while semi-frozen), you spill your miso soup on your lap. And you still have three courses to go.

That's August, right?

I know. You were just thinking the same thing.

Though August bites for pretty much everyone except pencil sharpener salesmen (and those guys are always drunk, so nothing bothers them), I have to believe it is worst for me. And, OK, other parents, too.

First, there's the trip for school supplies.

Huge mounds of school supplies — folders, erasers, glue sticks and stuff I suspect the teacher just wants for herself, such as Body Shop gift cards — and all of this is expected to arrive with your kid on the first day of school. True story: My son schlepped a giant, heavy bag of all this stuff to seventh grade — the contents must've cost $50 — and he forgot it on the city bus.

Never got it back. And somehow, even though we never shopped for school supplies again, he got through the whole year. Kinda makes you think.

So you've got the school supplies to gather (and your local store ALWAYS will be out of that one chartreuse marble notebook). And you've got a zillion forms to start filling out: "Yes, I will allow my child to WALK ACROSS THE STREET for GOODNESS' SAKE to the PARK. You really need PERMISSION for this?" And you've got to volunteer to bake something. (Potato? No.) And you've got to start relearning all that stuff you learned and forgot because you never needed it.

Square root? Have you ever used a square root? Eaten one? Baked one? You see my point.

August drags us into fall and colds and heating bills and howling and whips us around until all we can do is jerk open the hide-a-bed, lie down sideways and ask the dog to fold it back up till spring.

I know. Took the words right outta your mouth.

Lenore Skenazy is the author of "Who's the Blonde That Married What's-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know — But Can't Remember Right Now" and "Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)." To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

Comments

1 Comments | Post Comment

So you just wanted to insult 1/12 of the world who happened to be born in August (like me) just because you dislike shopping for school supplies and appear to abhor school in general? You've got issues lady. I personally used to enjoy (when I was IN school) that last lazy days of summer and the frantic hiking, biking, rafting and vacationing I did in August because school was just around the bend. Maybe I'm not insane, that must be it.

Maybe we should abolish February, because its the coldest month of the year and generally sucks for doing ANYTHING oudoorsy (in this area at least). Yeah, that makes total sense. Sheesh. The start of school is just another part of life. Deal with it.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Charles
Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:17 PM